FORGIVENESS AND REDEMPTION

I met THOR in the military. THOR is not his real name of course. I remember him saying that he didn't like trimming his eyebrows as it might affect his strength, I laughed. THOR was as handsome as they get in my books. He was strong and muscular, he had a beautiful tan and soft blonde hair. I always said he was a mix between Robert Redford and Hulk Hogan. He sat across from me at the table where we ate lunch that day, feet on a chair and chewing gum. We were all waiting to be released from the forces for one reason or another. He and I were both navy. He had served for quite a while, I was just shy of twelve agonizing months in. I was much younger than him. In retrospective, from his tone, his demeanour and his reputation, I should have known better than to fall for him.

I was smitten, instantly…

THOR uttered a highly sarcastic remark asking why I was getting out of the military, implying that I had gotten pregnant by an innocent sailor and had alterior motives. I later found out where the bitterness came from on that topic.  He was awaiting knee surgery and getting out from what he considered hell. He was angry, rebellious and pushing the boundaries of the Canadian Forces simply by having longer hair and being high all day. I on the other hand, was pretty obedient at the time. It's only much later that I started being more assertive, but I still don't rebel against authority for the sake of it. I was getting out because I had been raped by a guy in my platoon, and because I could no longer deal the lack of integrity of most people in charge. I found a loophole in order to break my three year contract, left and never looked back.

I left a tribe of assholes and ran away with their king...

THOR told stories from a very different point of view. I can see how I contributed to the problem by moving in with him, and staying. As much as I comprehend that many women are also violent  in such relationships, I think it often comes into play when we are unwilling to leave, shit might escalate from time to time. He would tell you now that I did nothing to deserve the words he shouted, the physical violence and the unjust treatment. I agree, and there are days where I defended myself, and that meant I reacted in self defence and sometimes frustration. Somedays I spoke back, argued. I once grabbed his testicles to get out of a choke hold, and mostly I cried A LOT. I did my best not to anger him, and he got angry REALLY easily, and often. It had nothing to do with me.

Nonetheless, he was much stronger than I, and I'm the one who got hurt. He used steroids and many other drugs on a daily basis, I didn't. Her now takes responsibility and admits being a violent man at the time. Apparently he seriously questioned his behaviour for years after I left. Somehow, he came to see me as an innocent victim of his rage and was hoping to make amends. It was amazingly refreshing to hear him speak. Before that, I always questioned his sanity and perception. I felt quite sorry for him and thought it was my divine mission to love him into kindness. (I just realized that my son said the same thing about a boy in elementary school, who bullied him and others.)

After listening to THOR's sad stories of previous relationships, I made a promise to never abandon him, ever. I even agreed to get a tattoo that said "property of ..." on my wrist. You probably see how naive I was, and possibly even think I was stupid. It's nothing compared to what I thought of myself when I finally left him!

The day came when that promise became impossible to keep. It was either staying or dying. I never really grasped how to establish boundaries with him, but when it came to my loved ones, I was clear and unwilling to listen to his unfounded negative criticism and insults. Actually, I left on the day he called my best friend a whore.

That day was his birthday.

I knew it would hurt.

I no longer cared.

The following days, weeks, months, years were possibly the hardest times of my life. Looking back, I'm surprised I made it. Before that, I simply fell blindly from one bad thing to another, but after THOR, I had to get help. Anger was my best friend, and I felt justified. Of course it got me in trouble, but somehow I managed to stay out of jail. My mental health was in serious jeopardy, and very few people seemed alarmed by my behaviour. They should have!

I did my best to keep a job, to sleep at night and to survive. I barely ate. I had a restraining order against THOR, little good that really served me. He was determined to make my life miserable. Nothing like a stalker to realize you need self defence training, and yet it never was offered and it never crossed my mind to save my ass! It took a lot before I finally put my foot down and said something sarcastic that got him off my back permanently. He had called my work once too many times making threats, and I'd gotten fired because my boss was done seeing me get upset. I was terminated without warning.

Twenty years later, I bumped into THOR at a martial arts tournament. It was nothing less then absolutely shocking to be standing in front of him again. I had no warning, no premonitions, no friend saying: "I just saw your ex, he's in the house!". I stood in front of him, not knowing who he was at first, until it was too late for me to walk away. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was almost a black belt in Kenpo, that my sensei, husband and a thousand of my kickass friends were around, I don't know, but I had a huge epiphany. I was not afraid of being struck or killed in that moment. As I listened to his words, I realized how much I had changed, and grown.

I was way beyond wanting revenge.

Some time past, and we kept in touch. I welcomed Facebook communication. It proved to be very healing in fact. We communicated in writing for a while, and I eventually offered to meet in person. He made it clear that he needed to share some difficult things with me, and that he felt guilty and was suffering. I thought he was ill and dying it sounded so bad! I knew my intuition was reliable, and the thought of being alone with him in person did not scare me. That in itself was a huge testament to my training I thought. I felt clam, strong and filled with LOVE.

The meeting took place by the ocean on Dallas road, and it was nothing short of a miracle in my experience. I told him I was dedicating my black belt test to him, and that without him I would not be as effective as a teacher. I knew first hand about violence in relationships, and I knew how I had gotten out of it alive and whole. I knew how difficult it was to love a man who is in pain and cannot help but being violent. I knew how difficult it is to leave and trust that whatever happened next, was out of my hands. I knew what it was like to be afraid for my life and to love at the same time. I also knew that he probably did not find it easy to believe he had been the bad guy in this story, but that I was grateful he had the humility and courage to ask for forgiveness for his own sake. I also told him he had been forgiven a long time ago and that it was not my place to judge him. Saying that I held no resentment towards him or our time together was a bit much for him to take in. It was a powerful reunion for both of us. He cried A LOT, and I felt nothing, just emptiness, the good kind of nothing.

Space, or openness might be better words than NOTHING. I just remember smiling and breathing, like a mother listening to a child in pain. I knew this experience was special and unique. I knew I was the lucky one. In that instant, I realized how priviledged we were to have a resolution in the same lifetime. Balance was restored, sweet justice had been served, not from him suffering, but from him having a true shot at being happy and finally accepting love to enter his heart/mind. All the work I had done alone, the scarifies, the numerous nights talking to my mentor and crying from a sense of separation and despair. All that became perfect in that instant. What became obvious is that all my life was perfect and that from now on, I could just trust the process. Interestingly enough, I have many other stories like this one. All it took was having faith. I'm not asking you to be a believer, but it certainly has made my own life more pleasant and manageable. I have renewed trust in the concept that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE…

Yogi Warrior

I've been walking with gratitude for the ability to learn SELF DEFENCE and YOGA lately. 

As much as I have benefited from it in the past, I think I have a renewed appreciation for what it is teaching me. Taking deep breaths has been a real gift. I think the key, is that I have stopped being governed by others and decided to carve my own path…

 I am not a FIGHTER, but I can be a real shit disturber.

 I have never laid hands on anyone outside the ring, unless it was in self defence or required for my job; Even then, it wasn't intended. At work I use specific controlling techniques shown in tactical training, and I am mindful of the consequences of my actions. 

 I spent most of my life withholding anger and making attempts to be at peace with my family and love ones, until it reaches a limit. Having healthy boundaries has been a life long journey that led me to take a lot of training. I could barely hold it together, and it cost me my mental health and several relationships, so I began searching... 

I thought I had found the perfect outlet to let go of this anger by training martial arts, but I recently concluded that some combative training seems to only serve to move it around, not really addressing the root of it. 

So I took a break and meditated on it.

What I see, is the possibility that martial arts, in many schools that is, are deprived of mindfulness and wisdom. I don't think it's so much the art, but possibly the instructors that make the largest difference in the outcome. For instance I think that some people may seem calm and fairly peaceful individuals, but can justify violence and often pass this on to students who struggle with control and have a more aggressive nature, like myself. That, is rarely a peaceful combination. So even though an instructor may be well intended and with several years of practice on the mat, there is value in looking further in the the mind of a master. 

I can't say I identify easily with most female role models or the gentle archetypes.

I've been attracted to learn from men most of my life and being competitive is pretty natural to me.  I'm often perceived as an alpha expected to stand up for others, and challenge leadership. I'm not keen on joining groups, but I am willing to challenge myself. I would rather go through discomfort and build community, learning to be interdependent and hold my own than be scared to walk this Earth alone and be co-dependant.

 I enjoy a good battle, I usually commit fully to what I do in each moment. 

TRAINING can be difficult when you would much rather prepare beautiful meals, have a bath, practice YOGA, read, have tea with a friend, play with clothes and makeup, and do dishes, etc.

Reality is that my mind is often filled with confusion and fear. We attempt to control our environment in order to minimize danger, but in the end, I would rather learn martial arts than waiting passively for world peace to manifest. 

I need physical outlets or I create havoc in my life. I come across as an angry boar, destroying practically everything in the way with my words. 

Being careful is not enough. 

MINDFULNESS

 MARTIAL ARTS and YOGA are activities that effectively deal with that energy. 

I think many of us shy away from training in self defence because we hope to stay away from violence and perpetuating it. We can't imagine ourselves fighting, even less participating in a group where that seems to be the focus. We have SHIT to do!

 Some of us walk into a club and get a taste of blood, and want more, Somehow we unleash the beast! We become obsessed with this new found "power" and look forward to exercise the right to express it, which can become an imbalance in itself in my observation.

 I have found that training martial arts has brought new people in my life who process life in a very different way than others. Being an active participant in the holistic creation of my reality, I have found that most martial artist are at least committed to growing and living with excellence. The pamphlets may be right about the values training offers, but after my own experience, not all schools teach practical skills for walking on this earth safely and harmoniously. Not everyone embraces the spiritual traditions that martial arts offer either. FEAR of DEATH must be addressed beyond survival techniques. Freedom is found beyond form. Training the mind is sometimes more complex than punching pads and doing a thousand repetitions. 

THAT is why I LOVE YOGA.

Most people who stick with practice must at some point or another learn to live mindfully in a group, and accept leadership. Either that or they will be asked to leave. That right there, is an effective survival skill beyond knowing how to defend a body or kick the shit out of another human being.

Many of us allow conflict to interrupt our training at some point or another, justifying the need to quit. 

It is entirely possible that a style, teacher or the club may not be compatible, and if that's the case, we should give ourselves permission to seek something that is a better fit for us.

I believe that all experiences are beneficial..

 INTEGRITY, HONESTY and HUMILITY are very important values to me. I have learned to appreciate compassion, accept generosity, and let go of my expectations that all teachers should be perfect and egoless! 

Find a FAIR, PROFESSIONAL and CARING educator/mentor.

I would like to thank all my teacher past and present for being willing to share their experience, and for the peace I have found. I am deeply grateful.

A THOUSAND BOWS

J

STOP BLAMING FEMINISM!

Here is Wikepedia's definition of feminism: "A collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment."

Now, if you don't know what a feminist really looks and sounds like, and you think that because a woman speaks up she is a feminist, think again. She may be a woman, but she is not necessarily awake. The fact that you speak ill of her, or men who sympathize with her, only shows that the real problem is within you.

I am speaking to the recent conversations on the internet following Miss Nevada's suggestion that women take up self defence training. What she said has been interpreted in many ways, but mostly points to the crowd of women who believe men should simply be educated not to rape in the first place. I am specifically addressing the fact that many people, mostly men say things like: "I hate when feminists say…" "Feminists are annoying." and "Typical feminist remark!" The fact is that we are often at war with one another, and feminism is not the issue here!                                                  

I would like to point out, that a person claiming to be part a movement, or presenting themselves in speech as if they may be part of this said movement and know what the hell they are talking about, does not necessarily mean they participate in its foundational practices, not do they accurately represent and speak for all others, let alone the leaders. This is true for instance with martial artists. We all know people who can talk smack, and we all know we pass judgements on each other. So maybe the mature thing to so here, is to smile and keep walking. It is absolutely fascinating to me to hear grown ups, some of them highly intelligent, blame one another and participate in huge debates online. I have to admit that one skill I have yet to see being genuinely practiced among adults, let alone by many martial artist, is true humility.

Any person who sounds naive, ignorant and/or stupid when it comes to the reality of our existence, is not a feminist. The fact that we bother listening to confused people, give power to their arguments, engage and reply may simply indicate that we are possibly INSANE… It is a complete waste of our time and energy, demonstrating our willingness to be at war with one another. Better put our attention to people who GET IT and lead by example.

Lets take personal responsibility for our own life shall we? Lets mind our own business and really get to know the difference! We can be of better service by creating a healthy community, exercising our right of freedom and critical thinking, educating ourselves and others on the ways of peaceful living instead of pointing out the ignorance of humanity by pointing fingers. We can be leaders in this movement by reflecting on how WE contribute to separation in our own mind instead of being mindful. I don't always agree with what other people say, but arguing with you and being angry won't solve anything either. I listen, I think, I ask questions, I respond, I reflect, I process and I grow.

I am very clear with others, children and adults, about my experience. I hope it can be of help if needed, and I am not attached to how you lead your life. I am responsible for my own. Most importantly, I have a specific spiritual practice, one of respect and forgiveness. I accept reality as it is, and I do everything in my power to remain peaceful and awake so I don't freak out on people I think are stupid. Because I know that as long as I see them, it's because I am being stupid too.

When you find yourself in hell, KEEP WALKING.

I heard that statement from a man once, and it has changed my attitude about emotional struggle.  So often, women tend to live in the emotions. It is a common belief that men don't want to deal with emotions, theirs and ours. It may, or may not be true. They often would rather choose humour over tears, and fighting over being vulnerable. While I let go of my own fears and simply witnessed my brothers, I have laughed and loved more than ever in their presence.

My own personal experience is that we may be willing to talk about emotions, but dealing with the heart goes beyond talking…

I'm personally a very analytical and expressive person. It's only recently that I have noticed how I have lived in the mind, emotionally charging my story of the world and how I experience it. Everyone else is just a player in my story, and I'm not sure they ever existed beyond that.

Defeat brought me to a still point. It became clear that I needed to learn a new way to relate to others if I was to remain alive.

Being in the body and expressing energy is a god sent not to be taken for granted in my opinion. Yoga, dance, sex and other movement oriented activities have always been very attractive to me. However, it does not always express powerful energy in a way that serves me, let alone others.

It is my hope that all sisters can be open to what I have to say. You may agree, or not. That is not important to me. So before you reply, just sit with it…
All I am interested in is to present you with options on how to relate to men.

So many of us are angry, at the world, the weather, at men, our mothers, our elders, our children, at God, and at ourselves. We are not always mindful. Too often we lash out, taking advantage of the fact that our male counterparts are physically stronger and should therefore not feel threatened. Many of us even deny this! Some of us also suppress our anger and suffer from depression, or we do both. We can go on for a very long time coping in one way and another, but in order to find peace and long lasting happiness, something's gotta give, and changing the world may, or may not be the answer to all our woes.

I have learned that change is possible, that deep and honest communication is easiest when I am willing to listen, and sit with it for a while. That being said, I need to feel safe in order for THAT to happen.

I have always been very clear about wanting to work with men's energy, but also terrified. It wasn't always experienced positively however. Since I was very small, I have expressed my yang abundantly, and now looking back, I know that I am not all that different than what scares me. Being in male dominated environments has been an amazing journey of awakening. From being in the military to zen practice, becoming a bouncer and working as a security professional, and finally in the dojo, I have been invited to experience what so many of us women dream of:

 MEN'S TRUE HEART/MIND.

What I have learned, is not that they essentially behave differently among their peers for the sake of playing games, but that when we are willing to listen without judgement, these amazing creatures only wish to give of themselves selflessly and to be of service. Their blunt honesty is often denied by us, rejected and twisted into something that it is not. A little understanding goes a long way, and for that to happen, it's important not to take what is expressed personally, and to be honest with ourselves!

Being among martial artists, in and out of the dojo, has been nothing but transformational. I finally found men I could not only relate to, but respect and learn consciously from.

Men martial artists have taught me a few things about being a powerful woman. Not by acting like a man, but by honouring my true Self; being solid while moving energy through martial arts and applying that to my life. They taught me about community, about vulnerability, and brotherhood. They taught me about true power, responsibility, how to focus the mind, and being quiet sometimes. They taught me discipline; forget about the discipline of doing a thousand pushups, try practicing patience, acceptance and resilience! They taught me about strength, about control, about respect and about compassion.

I have had the great privilege of sharing time and space with amazing men. Only with this attitude have they accepted me as one of their own. And with that honour, they have never asked me to be a man...

In return, I understand that to love men, is to accept and love who they are now, fiercely, and simply, without projections. The qualities expressed in brotherhood are often without words, yet when spoken, they pierce deeply and are heartfelt. Those words are not always audible, it is up to us to listen. It is not a different tongue, we just need to quiet our mind to hear it… In the process of finding our own voice and power, some of them shut down. I think it would be wise to remember their innocence and allow some space for them in a peaceful world.

Being among men, has inspired me to be a better woman, human being, a better mother and a respectful lover. It has brought me balance, the ability to attract joy and live peacefully.

I am a samurai among them; until I breathe my last breath, I will live and love fully without regrets. Bleeding or not, I will stand up after each fall. I will stand for what I know is worthy, and I will do so with my peers by my side. And if I find myself alone, I will always remember that their spirit lives within me.

Gassho

LETTING GO OF FEAR

I am bathing into the phenomena of relating.



I am once again reminded of how it feels to be affected by an angry person that frightens us and feeling vulnerable as a result. I know what to do now though and how to be, but it does not mean that I am not afraid. That is part of what I teach as a martial artist.


In many ways, fear can be a gift...


With counselling training, sitting zazen and Self Defence practice, I still feel triggered from time to time when anger is directed at me. I have the tools not to take it personally, and even to see the situation entirely differently than through my story of perceived abuse. Being, is simply that, being. Now that I know martial arts, I need to be even more present when triggered because it means using deadly force if I ever was to react. What I have observed in other practitioners, even highly experienced ones, is that sometimes they justify their actions by judging other people's behaviour. For instance, a person who acts like a "bully" had it comming... Although I understand that train of thought, and have experienced it too. I now question my beliefs and seek the truth.


I'm not saying it's easy to keep my judgement out of it, but I do my best to mind my own business; judging another is not it. Responding however, is my business. So nowadays, I don't spend too much time speculating about what I would or would not do in any given situation. I just sincerely pray it comes from a loving place.If I feel angry, I say so. But I don't expect people to behave in ways that I believe are correct in my view anymore. I know I may not have the whole picture.


Underneath anger, there is a world of fear. Knowing this provides me with compassion and patience towards myself and others, but it does not always come right away. When that is the case, I take a pause and hope to see clearly.


I recently had the great opportunity to spend time with a beautiful man from my past, an ex boyfriend I used to be terrified of. Twenty years after our separation, we met with the intention to let go of our story, share our experience and be at peace. The presence and awareness possible between us now, has brought us both to tears. I am immensely grateful for this man's courage and openness to see me again, after so many years of living in pain from the thoughts he held about having hurt me. In my world, the work was done throughout the twenty years following our breakup. I had left this relationship with as much ease as ripping my own heart out of my chest. I had promised to love him forever, taken his son as my own, and even tattoed his name on my skin...


Breaking promises is something I despise, and I don't make them anymore unless I know I can follow through.


But THIS was a matter of life and death! And it was not the first, nor the last difficult relationship I experienced, but it was probably the scariest and most significant in influencing my decision to make some steps to find inner peace.


It took much time, dedication and dilligence in order to accept the fact that I was completely able to make peace with this man on my own. Besides, I had a restraining order against him, and I was clear about the sacrifices I had to make in order to get support from my loved ones and the community. The concept of closure is one that can be falsely promoted in needing both parties to be involved. Even though it may be wonderful to experience, it is not necessary. However, it can be very difficult to maintain this clarity under stress and confusion. Love after all, is not about separation.


It is in my 40's that I have finally found some thoughts that bring me complete peace over life in it's most difficult times. Thanks to my patient teachers, I may not be enlightened, but I am deeply happy, often.


To infinity and beyond I say!


I sincerely hope for all sentient beings, that we can show the courage necessary to still our minds and put all of our "weapons" down, if only for a moment, and love ourselves and one another.

Once that door is open, it cannot be forgotten.


Gassho

LOVE AND VIOLENT MEN…

I AM OPEN TO PEACE 

I have decided to question my thoughts about men, women, violence and human nature. You can deny love all you want, kick and scream if you want, but you probably won't change my heart.

I am done being paralyzed with fear.

LIFE is much more pleasant when I don't blame others for what I make of it. I no longer waste my time thinking others are at fault if my mind is not at peace. 

Yes, I am angry at times.

I have shared much time and space with violent men; I was raised by them. 

I was raised by a violent woman as well.

And I too, can be quite a nightmare sometimes, I am accountable.

 I know how challenging it is to be happy when our existence keeps on providing us with experiences that beat us to the ground. I know that it's possible to feel gratitude instead after all , and to allow everything the space to be questioned, including our own beliefs.

The moment I observe MY OWN mind, the minute I realize I am not separate, the world changes dramatically. I take responsibility for perceiving and experiencing my own life, it is a reflection of my own mind.  

Believe me, believe me not, it's up to you. If it suits you to be a victim, be my guest.

HOWEVER 

There is power in accepting what is. What remains after my story is not going to change by having a temper tantrum. I have experienced this for myself, I am not parroting...

STOP, BREATHE and LOOK WITHIN. 

If you have the guts to sit with what you see in your own mind, congratulations.

I am not telling you to remain at the mercy of violent men. 
I am telling you that power resides in you!

I know how difficult it is to deal with some people, men and women. I have rebelled and fought back often. I have decided to claim my space on this planet and to be happy, but fighting is exhausting. We also need to rest.

 I am very clear now that a solution lives within ME.

If you come to share stories of abuse, your pain and suffering, know that I will hold space for it all.

That being said

I LOVE men, and everything about them, so don't expect me to be on your team if you plan to go to war against them.

There are beautiful men and women in this world who are deeply caring and supportive as well as people who are suffering. They have taught me integrity patience, tolerance, compassion, resilience and self respect.

I am on THEIR team…

I feel deep joy sharing time and space with people who are loving and responsible, and the seed of hatred has been replaced by overflowing love towards my world and everyone in it as a result.

Somedays are more difficult than others, 

it's a daily practice, and it is WORTH IT!