PHOENIX TEARS

PHOENIX & DRAGON 

on DEATH.

☯

PHOENIX: "We need to talk."

DRAGON: "I hate when you say this …"

PHOENIX: "How would you prefer I say it?"

DRAGON: "Just say what you have to say!"

PHOENIX: "I would like to talk to you about death."

DRAGON: "Oh, wait! WHAT? Lets not talk about death. No, wait, go back. I don't wanna talk."

"No way José!"

PHOENIX: "Yet you are not mindful with your life and the one of others, and you delight in watching violence. You seem fascinated with death and terrified of it at the same time?"

DRAGON: "Why do you have to be so blunt? Do you HAVE to be so direct about everything? 

PHOENIX: "It has to be done."

DRAGON: "Freaks me right out."

PHOENIX: "Death is inevitable."

(DRAMATIC SILENCE)

 "Would you rather WAIT until death comes knocking at your door?"

DRAGON: "I live in a cave; There is no door ..."

PHOENIX: *smiling 

"My teacher used to tell me: 'A smart ass will get you a sore one.' He was right."

DRAGON: "Funny… Who was your teacher?"

PAUSE

PHOENIX: "He was a very very wise Dragon." 

               

☯

PUT IT DOWN!

It's fascinating to observe people when you do security…

And by fascinating, I mean ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

A lot of accidents and injuries could be prevented from simply paying attention to our environment.  The unfortunate thing is that our common sense seems to go right out the window with those bloody things in our possession. It takes a lot of willpower to use electronics intelligently and moderately.

What I would like to address, is the use of cellphones in liquor establishments. Please please PLEASE! Can you look where you are walking? It's not only for your safety. If you haven't noticed, there are people walking around with hot food and beverages all over the place, and they are working very diligently to remain patient and professional in the face of much ignorance. We're a little luckier in security since we don't carry trays filled with beverages and food, but we are attempting to keep order while many of you are obliviously glued to your screen and completely oblivious to what's going on around you, including conflict!

I saw a little boy with his family the other day, no more than 4 years of age, he walked out of my pub ahead of his parents after they had a late dinner, not looking AT ALL where he was going. I stood in front of him until he bumped into me and we had a chat… He obviously had no idea that at any moment, he could have been stampeded by grownups who are unaware of little people at this time of the day. Lets not focus on parenting here, but hey, that's a good place to start, right?

A phone is a tool, not a limb, so please understand that it can be a real nuisance for people who are working and attempting to serve YOU, if you appear to not be present. Yes, many employees are guilty of that as well, but not where I work. Besides, pointing fingers at others who are joining you in the unawareness club is not going to help the fact that you, yes YOU, need to WAKE UP!

Thank you kindly,
PHOENIX

FORGIVENESS AND REDEMPTION

I met THOR in the military. THOR is not his real name of course. I remember him saying that he didn't like trimming his eyebrows as it might affect his strength, I laughed. THOR was as handsome as they get in my books. He was strong and muscular, he had a beautiful tan and soft blonde hair. I always said he was a mix between Robert Redford and Hulk Hogan. He sat across from me at the table where we ate lunch that day, feet on a chair and chewing gum. We were all waiting to be released from the forces for one reason or another. He and I were both navy. He had served for quite a while, I was just shy of twelve agonizing months in. I was much younger than him. In retrospective, from his tone, his demeanour and his reputation, I should have known better than to fall for him.

I was smitten, instantly…

THOR uttered a highly sarcastic remark asking why I was getting out of the military, implying that I had gotten pregnant by an innocent sailor and had alterior motives. I later found out where the bitterness came from on that topic.  He was awaiting knee surgery and getting out from what he considered hell. He was angry, rebellious and pushing the boundaries of the Canadian Forces simply by having longer hair and being high all day. I on the other hand, was pretty obedient at the time. It's only much later that I started being more assertive, but I still don't rebel against authority for the sake of it. I was getting out because I had been raped by a guy in my platoon, and because I could no longer deal the lack of integrity of most people in charge. I found a loophole in order to break my three year contract, left and never looked back.

I left a tribe of assholes and ran away with their king...

THOR told stories from a very different point of view. I can see how I contributed to the problem by moving in with him, and staying. As much as I comprehend that many women are also violent  in such relationships, I think it often comes into play when we are unwilling to leave, shit might escalate from time to time. He would tell you now that I did nothing to deserve the words he shouted, the physical violence and the unjust treatment. I agree, and there are days where I defended myself, and that meant I reacted in self defence and sometimes frustration. Somedays I spoke back, argued. I once grabbed his testicles to get out of a choke hold, and mostly I cried A LOT. I did my best not to anger him, and he got angry REALLY easily, and often. It had nothing to do with me.

Nonetheless, he was much stronger than I, and I'm the one who got hurt. He used steroids and many other drugs on a daily basis, I didn't. Her now takes responsibility and admits being a violent man at the time. Apparently he seriously questioned his behaviour for years after I left. Somehow, he came to see me as an innocent victim of his rage and was hoping to make amends. It was amazingly refreshing to hear him speak. Before that, I always questioned his sanity and perception. I felt quite sorry for him and thought it was my divine mission to love him into kindness. (I just realized that my son said the same thing about a boy in elementary school, who bullied him and others.)

After listening to THOR's sad stories of previous relationships, I made a promise to never abandon him, ever. I even agreed to get a tattoo that said "property of ..." on my wrist. You probably see how naive I was, and possibly even think I was stupid. It's nothing compared to what I thought of myself when I finally left him!

The day came when that promise became impossible to keep. It was either staying or dying. I never really grasped how to establish boundaries with him, but when it came to my loved ones, I was clear and unwilling to listen to his unfounded negative criticism and insults. Actually, I left on the day he called my best friend a whore.

That day was his birthday.

I knew it would hurt.

I no longer cared.

The following days, weeks, months, years were possibly the hardest times of my life. Looking back, I'm surprised I made it. Before that, I simply fell blindly from one bad thing to another, but after THOR, I had to get help. Anger was my best friend, and I felt justified. Of course it got me in trouble, but somehow I managed to stay out of jail. My mental health was in serious jeopardy, and very few people seemed alarmed by my behaviour. They should have!

I did my best to keep a job, to sleep at night and to survive. I barely ate. I had a restraining order against THOR, little good that really served me. He was determined to make my life miserable. Nothing like a stalker to realize you need self defence training, and yet it never was offered and it never crossed my mind to save my ass! It took a lot before I finally put my foot down and said something sarcastic that got him off my back permanently. He had called my work once too many times making threats, and I'd gotten fired because my boss was done seeing me get upset. I was terminated without warning.

Twenty years later, I bumped into THOR at a martial arts tournament. It was nothing less then absolutely shocking to be standing in front of him again. I had no warning, no premonitions, no friend saying: "I just saw your ex, he's in the house!". I stood in front of him, not knowing who he was at first, until it was too late for me to walk away. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was almost a black belt in Kenpo, that my sensei, husband and a thousand of my kickass friends were around, I don't know, but I had a huge epiphany. I was not afraid of being struck or killed in that moment. As I listened to his words, I realized how much I had changed, and grown.

I was way beyond wanting revenge.

Some time past, and we kept in touch. I welcomed Facebook communication. It proved to be very healing in fact. We communicated in writing for a while, and I eventually offered to meet in person. He made it clear that he needed to share some difficult things with me, and that he felt guilty and was suffering. I thought he was ill and dying it sounded so bad! I knew my intuition was reliable, and the thought of being alone with him in person did not scare me. That in itself was a huge testament to my training I thought. I felt clam, strong and filled with LOVE.

The meeting took place by the ocean on Dallas road, and it was nothing short of a miracle in my experience. I told him I was dedicating my black belt test to him, and that without him I would not be as effective as a teacher. I knew first hand about violence in relationships, and I knew how I had gotten out of it alive and whole. I knew how difficult it was to love a man who is in pain and cannot help but being violent. I knew how difficult it is to leave and trust that whatever happened next, was out of my hands. I knew what it was like to be afraid for my life and to love at the same time. I also knew that he probably did not find it easy to believe he had been the bad guy in this story, but that I was grateful he had the humility and courage to ask for forgiveness for his own sake. I also told him he had been forgiven a long time ago and that it was not my place to judge him. Saying that I held no resentment towards him or our time together was a bit much for him to take in. It was a powerful reunion for both of us. He cried A LOT, and I felt nothing, just emptiness, the good kind of nothing.

Space, or openness might be better words than NOTHING. I just remember smiling and breathing, like a mother listening to a child in pain. I knew this experience was special and unique. I knew I was the lucky one. In that instant, I realized how priviledged we were to have a resolution in the same lifetime. Balance was restored, sweet justice had been served, not from him suffering, but from him having a true shot at being happy and finally accepting love to enter his heart/mind. All the work I had done alone, the scarifies, the numerous nights talking to my mentor and crying from a sense of separation and despair. All that became perfect in that instant. What became obvious is that all my life was perfect and that from now on, I could just trust the process. Interestingly enough, I have many other stories like this one. All it took was having faith. I'm not asking you to be a believer, but it certainly has made my own life more pleasant and manageable. I have renewed trust in the concept that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE…

HEALING

The following video is a powerful story in the life of one couple, and the people who interact with them. 

 My intention in sharing with you, is first and foremost to create awareness, but also to share my own experience as a participant in such a relationship, as a witness to others who have been in one, and as a counsellor. I encourage you to watch and listen, to suspend your opinion about everything and everyone in this story. 

Then lets go from here…

In my counselling training, we were encouraged to watch videos like the one above, and discuss how we would approach each individual if they were to come through our door. We also role played being the therapist with our co-students, taking turns being clients and being counsellor. We got evaluated by the instructors and received feedback. Everyone else in the room watching gave feedback if they wanted. We were encouraged to be vulnerable, but not pushed beyond our boundaries. We were not even obliged to tell a true story, but I just dove in, like I usually do with everything. A consequence of such vulnerability is often to cause some stress, but in the end, I thought it was quite worth it for many reasons…

What I learned during my training with The Counsellor Training Institute was powerful in many ways, it went miles beyond traditional training and book theory. It was the most efficient practice to get beyond being a victims of abuse for me at the time, and it opened me up to other human beings in a way I never had before. As I embodied each role in the story during our training, I spent time getting in touch with that reality in my own mind. I was personally invested in doing a good job as an actor, so it wasn't difficult to tap into my own experience and deliver a good show. I can be pretty convincing! Little did I know, it was going to be the beginning of a huge transformation in my body, mind and heart. Each time I made an intention to clear conflict in my own life, it seemed to set in motion a whole bunch of opportunities to open up to experiences that would consequently support that intention.

Looking back, I realize that our story about any given event is a strong component in what guides our actions, inaction or non-action. Marie and Fred's story is no exception. As bystanders, we may have strong reactions and opinions about the video. I invite you to question everything. Their story could have many endings, and you will find one of those conclusions posted on YouTube. When I saw the proposed ending, I felt sick to my stomach.

It may not be for the reason you think. 

Many people have a limited view of what abuse is like, and are quick to make judgments about how other people should behave at any given time. What I'm interested in these days, is to investigate what is necessary for people to heal and be happy. What support do they need, and how I may be of service. I am open to explore all avenues and interact with anyone who wish to gain more freedom in their lives, regardless of their experience and history. In the end, everyone is unique and yet holds very common feelings. Whatever role we are playing in the story is not all that important to me now, and surely does not influence my willingness to support your journey to personal freedom.

Speaking of which, we rarely hear the stories of men as victims of abuse, I know many. I am aware that not addressing it has specific consequences, and I do my part in finding balance in everything. It is my hope that men who need support find their voice, and have the courage to trust the process of being vulnerable. Too often, we are stopped in our tracks by judgment, ours or other's, and we use that as an excuse for our behaviour. My experience, is that we can hold a story to justify pretty much anything, and once we have reached a place of extreme struggle and suffering, something will give.

I hope it isn't your life…

I have seen how challenging it is for us to accept reality from every angle. I have been on many sides of this experience. What I would like to shed light on, is that in my own mind, I believe that the answers to healing are within, and that with faith and support, anything is possible. What is hard is when we loose faith and we are confused, when we do not believe we have what it takes to bring about change.

 And what is faith exactly?

STOP BLAMING FEMINISM!

Here is Wikepedia's definition of feminism: "A collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment."

Now, if you don't know what a feminist really looks and sounds like, and you think that because a woman speaks up she is a feminist, think again. She may be a woman, but she is not necessarily awake. The fact that you speak ill of her, or men who sympathize with her, only shows that the real problem is within you.

I am speaking to the recent conversations on the internet following Miss Nevada's suggestion that women take up self defence training. What she said has been interpreted in many ways, but mostly points to the crowd of women who believe men should simply be educated not to rape in the first place. I am specifically addressing the fact that many people, mostly men say things like: "I hate when feminists say…" "Feminists are annoying." and "Typical feminist remark!" The fact is that we are often at war with one another, and feminism is not the issue here!                                                  

I would like to point out, that a person claiming to be part a movement, or presenting themselves in speech as if they may be part of this said movement and know what the hell they are talking about, does not necessarily mean they participate in its foundational practices, not do they accurately represent and speak for all others, let alone the leaders. This is true for instance with martial artists. We all know people who can talk smack, and we all know we pass judgements on each other. So maybe the mature thing to so here, is to smile and keep walking. It is absolutely fascinating to me to hear grown ups, some of them highly intelligent, blame one another and participate in huge debates online. I have to admit that one skill I have yet to see being genuinely practiced among adults, let alone by many martial artist, is true humility.

Any person who sounds naive, ignorant and/or stupid when it comes to the reality of our existence, is not a feminist. The fact that we bother listening to confused people, give power to their arguments, engage and reply may simply indicate that we are possibly INSANE… It is a complete waste of our time and energy, demonstrating our willingness to be at war with one another. Better put our attention to people who GET IT and lead by example.

Lets take personal responsibility for our own life shall we? Lets mind our own business and really get to know the difference! We can be of better service by creating a healthy community, exercising our right of freedom and critical thinking, educating ourselves and others on the ways of peaceful living instead of pointing out the ignorance of humanity by pointing fingers. We can be leaders in this movement by reflecting on how WE contribute to separation in our own mind instead of being mindful. I don't always agree with what other people say, but arguing with you and being angry won't solve anything either. I listen, I think, I ask questions, I respond, I reflect, I process and I grow.

I am very clear with others, children and adults, about my experience. I hope it can be of help if needed, and I am not attached to how you lead your life. I am responsible for my own. Most importantly, I have a specific spiritual practice, one of respect and forgiveness. I accept reality as it is, and I do everything in my power to remain peaceful and awake so I don't freak out on people I think are stupid. Because I know that as long as I see them, it's because I am being stupid too.

HEALING TRAUMA through Martial Arts.

"Boxing to heal trauma is like smoking to alleviate stress, it may feel good in the moment, but eventually you'll have to drop it and address the problem."

The week I received my Shodan promotion (first degree black belt), I woke up to a very interesting realization; I felt inspired to create a women's only self defence class. I was surprised because I had never been a big fan of "women only" anything, still am not. I also held a belief that I could not measure up to a male martial artist instructor and be taken seriously. Somehow, I had chosen men as role models most of my life, knights being my top heroes. I was fiercely independent, yet broken in my own mind. I accepted that for one reason or another, I was gifted a female body at birth and would one day figure out why. I saw men as STRONG and women, well, I didn't even talk about it. I felt ugly and awkward, angry and oh! so lost… Up to that point, I thought that most of the skills I needed to acquire to become whole in this lifetime, I would learn from a man.

I WAS WRONG

I have learned both from men and women, but mostly, I have learned from being a woman.

What I hope to do here is to share my vision of what it is like to be at peace with the world, and how Martial Arts supports that vision. I do not think it is the only path to freedom, in fact, I believe that everything serves. But what I do know is that many of us carry beliefs about martial arts that are untrue, and that this, like in many other aspects of our lives, keeps us from experiencing the truth.

 I have learned that sensitivity is an important quality in a teacher, man or woman, and that gaining my trust and sharing information is one thing, but awareness of what it is like to walk as a woman on this planet is quite another, let alone if you have suffered from trauma. Recognizing and understanding the barriers that keep women from entering a dojo is something worth looking at in my opinion. Perhaps, like a fish in a pond looking at a cat staring back at him, a martial artist may not quite grasp why it is so difficult for some people to make a commitment to practice. We are so quick to judge. I've been sitting on this topic for a while now and it's very important to me to present my experience in a clear and compassionate way. There are many reasons why we don't find many women in dojos, and perhaps it's the equivalent of why very few men used to practice yoga in North America, until they too discovered it's benefits. However, in my observation, men and women avoid certain things for very different reasons. Women like myself tend to be very challenged in making big commitments to activities that distract us from our responsibilities, and quite honestly, I couldn't have cared less about martial arts when I first entered a dojo.


My relationship with my son is what truly began healing my mind. What I was seeking was to spend time with healthy men and discover why I wasn't attracting them. I was a single mom at the time, and the idea of tradition appealed to me. It was clear that in order to be raising a healthy child, I needed to be at peace with myself, the world, and everyone in it. Actually, that was my mantra.With the help of my mentor, I opened myself to different ideas. I began my spiritual awakening and practice trust in my Self. My mentor at the time in fact, was a woman. She displayed what I considered some very strong masculine traits, which made me trust her. The interesting thing, is that we both balanced out through the years. She however, does not care for training.

It is my intention to explore healthy relationships that led me to my first teacher, sifu Jim Kragtwyk. I have since trained with many teachers, most importantly my husband sensei Jason Kanzan Boyd. They have all contributed to my well being in one way or another, especially the ones that have pissed me off. But it is only yesterday at a seminar with my first teacher that the light went on. It took me this long to realize why I did not enjoy training or failed to see it's value.

THAT IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU!

Gassho,

J

LOVE AND VIOLENT MEN…

I AM OPEN TO PEACE 

I have decided to question my thoughts about men, women, violence and human nature. You can deny love all you want, kick and scream if you want, but you probably won't change my heart.

I am done being paralyzed with fear.

LIFE is much more pleasant when I don't blame others for what I make of it. I no longer waste my time thinking others are at fault if my mind is not at peace. 

Yes, I am angry at times.

I have shared much time and space with violent men; I was raised by them. 

I was raised by a violent woman as well.

And I too, can be quite a nightmare sometimes, I am accountable.

 I know how challenging it is to be happy when our existence keeps on providing us with experiences that beat us to the ground. I know that it's possible to feel gratitude instead after all , and to allow everything the space to be questioned, including our own beliefs.

The moment I observe MY OWN mind, the minute I realize I am not separate, the world changes dramatically. I take responsibility for perceiving and experiencing my own life, it is a reflection of my own mind.  

Believe me, believe me not, it's up to you. If it suits you to be a victim, be my guest.

HOWEVER 

There is power in accepting what is. What remains after my story is not going to change by having a temper tantrum. I have experienced this for myself, I am not parroting...

STOP, BREATHE and LOOK WITHIN. 

If you have the guts to sit with what you see in your own mind, congratulations.

I am not telling you to remain at the mercy of violent men. 
I am telling you that power resides in you!

I know how difficult it is to deal with some people, men and women. I have rebelled and fought back often. I have decided to claim my space on this planet and to be happy, but fighting is exhausting. We also need to rest.

 I am very clear now that a solution lives within ME.

If you come to share stories of abuse, your pain and suffering, know that I will hold space for it all.

That being said

I LOVE men, and everything about them, so don't expect me to be on your team if you plan to go to war against them.

There are beautiful men and women in this world who are deeply caring and supportive as well as people who are suffering. They have taught me integrity patience, tolerance, compassion, resilience and self respect.

I am on THEIR team…

I feel deep joy sharing time and space with people who are loving and responsible, and the seed of hatred has been replaced by overflowing love towards my world and everyone in it as a result.

Somedays are more difficult than others, 

it's a daily practice, and it is WORTH IT!