HEALING TRAUMA through Martial Arts.

"Boxing to heal trauma is like smoking to alleviate stress, it may feel good in the moment, but eventually you'll have to drop it and address the problem."

The week I received my Shodan promotion (first degree black belt), I woke up to a very interesting realization; I felt inspired to create a women's only self defence class. I was surprised because I had never been a big fan of "women only" anything, still am not. I also held a belief that I could not measure up to a male martial artist instructor and be taken seriously. Somehow, I had chosen men as role models most of my life, knights being my top heroes. I was fiercely independent, yet broken in my own mind. I accepted that for one reason or another, I was gifted a female body at birth and would one day figure out why. I saw men as STRONG and women, well, I didn't even talk about it. I felt ugly and awkward, angry and oh! so lost… Up to that point, I thought that most of the skills I needed to acquire to become whole in this lifetime, I would learn from a man.

I WAS WRONG

I have learned both from men and women, but mostly, I have learned from being a woman.

What I hope to do here is to share my vision of what it is like to be at peace with the world, and how Martial Arts supports that vision. I do not think it is the only path to freedom, in fact, I believe that everything serves. But what I do know is that many of us carry beliefs about martial arts that are untrue, and that this, like in many other aspects of our lives, keeps us from experiencing the truth.

 I have learned that sensitivity is an important quality in a teacher, man or woman, and that gaining my trust and sharing information is one thing, but awareness of what it is like to walk as a woman on this planet is quite another, let alone if you have suffered from trauma. Recognizing and understanding the barriers that keep women from entering a dojo is something worth looking at in my opinion. Perhaps, like a fish in a pond looking at a cat staring back at him, a martial artist may not quite grasp why it is so difficult for some people to make a commitment to practice. We are so quick to judge. I've been sitting on this topic for a while now and it's very important to me to present my experience in a clear and compassionate way. There are many reasons why we don't find many women in dojos, and perhaps it's the equivalent of why very few men used to practice yoga in North America, until they too discovered it's benefits. However, in my observation, men and women avoid certain things for very different reasons. Women like myself tend to be very challenged in making big commitments to activities that distract us from our responsibilities, and quite honestly, I couldn't have cared less about martial arts when I first entered a dojo.


My relationship with my son is what truly began healing my mind. What I was seeking was to spend time with healthy men and discover why I wasn't attracting them. I was a single mom at the time, and the idea of tradition appealed to me. It was clear that in order to be raising a healthy child, I needed to be at peace with myself, the world, and everyone in it. Actually, that was my mantra.With the help of my mentor, I opened myself to different ideas. I began my spiritual awakening and practice trust in my Self. My mentor at the time in fact, was a woman. She displayed what I considered some very strong masculine traits, which made me trust her. The interesting thing, is that we both balanced out through the years. She however, does not care for training.

It is my intention to explore healthy relationships that led me to my first teacher, sifu Jim Kragtwyk. I have since trained with many teachers, most importantly my husband sensei Jason Kanzan Boyd. They have all contributed to my well being in one way or another, especially the ones that have pissed me off. But it is only yesterday at a seminar with my first teacher that the light went on. It took me this long to realize why I did not enjoy training or failed to see it's value.

THAT IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU!

Gassho,

J

To TALK or not to talk TO STRANGERS

That is the question...

I wish to say right off the bat, that this is my personal opinion and experience as a human being, a parent and a martial arts instructor. I am not asking that you take any sides, simply that you listen and reflect. I have often been angered, shocked and plain disturbed at other people's opinions, but one thing remains, and that is when I am respected and allowed to use critical thinking, I have often found myself experiencing a shift in perception. Sometimes it's immediate, sometimes it's later. So here it goes...

I think that it's natural for children to use their intuition. They may or may not foresee a problem coming, like they do not grasp why they need to pay attention crossing the street. It may be that people simply do what is natural to them, and many children simply believe in their goodness. My spiritual
practice is to wake up, be love, connect beings as oppose to separate, to honour intuition and have compassion. I believe that we can teach our children to use their common sense and to use their mind, loving comes naturally, not fear. We can teach them not to go and pet a strange dog without asking, not to take unnecessary risks and avoid petting strange dogs, or we can teach them not to trust any dogs... There is plenty of evidence that things go wrong in getting close to animal as well as human beings, but where is the boundary where we now ask our kids to see the world from our fearful point of view?

I know that my own son is one gregarious and friendly little man. Not talking to strangers is something I cannot enforce due to his nature. He just talks to practically everyone, always has, unless he doesn't feel comfortable. He's even come back from playdates and said he wasn't interested in going back, and why. As an aside, I personally have had my share of people trespassing my personal boundaries growing up, including my parents, as a result stranger danger is not even a concept I appreciate. However, I am honest with children about my experience and do not minimize danger in general. I also speak a language they understand and invite enquiry.

Now you may be wondering if my son has ever come across adversity, or encountered a situation that may get me to re-think my position about educating him to be more cautious... The answer is yes.

What came out of those experiences, has been a gift to all. He told someone he trusted would listen non-judgementally and we got through it together. It shouldn't come as a surprise either that the people involved in the crisis were NOT strangers to him. I brought my son up to trust in his ability to overcome anything, and to understand that with living life to its fullest also comes with risks and consequences. He already has more compassion, understanding and empathy than most people I know, let alone other children.

I give my son much more freedom than what a few people in my immediate surrounding are comfortable with, and I learned one thing early as a parent, that is people always have an opinion about other people's parenting choices. We can either try and conform, or be happy. So that being said, it's not like I am immune to having opinions about other people's parenting style, but I do know this:

I don't know what is in your highest good

As a martial arts teacher and human being around many children, what I do teach besides physical self defence, is awareness, critical thinking and clear communication, boundaries, listening to intuition, along with the importance of asking for help and healthy community. I am aware of the hard fact that we all have made choices against our parents best judgement, even our own best judgement, and that this is how we learn! But the few examples that paralyze us with fear as parents may, or may not be avoided by our best intentions; that is the sad truth. I have loved the work of Byron Katie immensely on that subject, and I cannot imagine any greater pain than a having experience the loss of a child, or to be taken. That being said, it's my job to connect with my intuition, not let fear take over my life and my family's. I really love seeing the world through children's eyes. It's unfortunate to miss out on the richness of children because they have been taught to fear others. And what do we teach them if we make all their decisions for them?

     I love the idea of

     FREE RANGE KIDS

LETTING GO OF FEAR

I am bathing into the phenomena of relating.



I am once again reminded of how it feels to be affected by an angry person that frightens us and feeling vulnerable as a result. I know what to do now though and how to be, but it does not mean that I am not afraid. That is part of what I teach as a martial artist.


In many ways, fear can be a gift...


With counselling training, sitting zazen and Self Defence practice, I still feel triggered from time to time when anger is directed at me. I have the tools not to take it personally, and even to see the situation entirely differently than through my story of perceived abuse. Being, is simply that, being. Now that I know martial arts, I need to be even more present when triggered because it means using deadly force if I ever was to react. What I have observed in other practitioners, even highly experienced ones, is that sometimes they justify their actions by judging other people's behaviour. For instance, a person who acts like a "bully" had it comming... Although I understand that train of thought, and have experienced it too. I now question my beliefs and seek the truth.


I'm not saying it's easy to keep my judgement out of it, but I do my best to mind my own business; judging another is not it. Responding however, is my business. So nowadays, I don't spend too much time speculating about what I would or would not do in any given situation. I just sincerely pray it comes from a loving place.If I feel angry, I say so. But I don't expect people to behave in ways that I believe are correct in my view anymore. I know I may not have the whole picture.


Underneath anger, there is a world of fear. Knowing this provides me with compassion and patience towards myself and others, but it does not always come right away. When that is the case, I take a pause and hope to see clearly.


I recently had the great opportunity to spend time with a beautiful man from my past, an ex boyfriend I used to be terrified of. Twenty years after our separation, we met with the intention to let go of our story, share our experience and be at peace. The presence and awareness possible between us now, has brought us both to tears. I am immensely grateful for this man's courage and openness to see me again, after so many years of living in pain from the thoughts he held about having hurt me. In my world, the work was done throughout the twenty years following our breakup. I had left this relationship with as much ease as ripping my own heart out of my chest. I had promised to love him forever, taken his son as my own, and even tattoed his name on my skin...


Breaking promises is something I despise, and I don't make them anymore unless I know I can follow through.


But THIS was a matter of life and death! And it was not the first, nor the last difficult relationship I experienced, but it was probably the scariest and most significant in influencing my decision to make some steps to find inner peace.


It took much time, dedication and dilligence in order to accept the fact that I was completely able to make peace with this man on my own. Besides, I had a restraining order against him, and I was clear about the sacrifices I had to make in order to get support from my loved ones and the community. The concept of closure is one that can be falsely promoted in needing both parties to be involved. Even though it may be wonderful to experience, it is not necessary. However, it can be very difficult to maintain this clarity under stress and confusion. Love after all, is not about separation.


It is in my 40's that I have finally found some thoughts that bring me complete peace over life in it's most difficult times. Thanks to my patient teachers, I may not be enlightened, but I am deeply happy, often.


To infinity and beyond I say!


I sincerely hope for all sentient beings, that we can show the courage necessary to still our minds and put all of our "weapons" down, if only for a moment, and love ourselves and one another.

Once that door is open, it cannot be forgotten.


Gassho