PHOENIX TEARS

PHOENIX & DRAGON 

on DEATH.

☯

PHOENIX: "We need to talk."

DRAGON: "I hate when you say this …"

PHOENIX: "How would you prefer I say it?"

DRAGON: "Just say what you have to say!"

PHOENIX: "I would like to talk to you about death."

DRAGON: "Oh, wait! WHAT? Lets not talk about death. No, wait, go back. I don't wanna talk."

"No way José!"

PHOENIX: "Yet you are not mindful with your life and the one of others, and you delight in watching violence. You seem fascinated with death and terrified of it at the same time?"

DRAGON: "Why do you have to be so blunt? Do you HAVE to be so direct about everything? 

PHOENIX: "It has to be done."

DRAGON: "Freaks me right out."

PHOENIX: "Death is inevitable."

(DRAMATIC SILENCE)

 "Would you rather WAIT until death comes knocking at your door?"

DRAGON: "I live in a cave; There is no door ..."

PHOENIX: *smiling 

"My teacher used to tell me: 'A smart ass will get you a sore one.' He was right."

DRAGON: "Funny… Who was your teacher?"

PAUSE

PHOENIX: "He was a very very wise Dragon." 

               

☯

TOUGH ENOUGH

What you need to know to protect yourself

I'm not going to provide you with a list here. I'm not going to tell you what the basics are in my books. There are too many lists out there already. Who knows what the perfect list is?

Working security, I often have women come to me showing their muscles and say they could easily do my job because they're really tough.  Interestingly enough, more women challenge me than men. Most guys respect that if I'm security, I might know a thing or two on how to deal with violence. 

Self defence is very much like that. We all have a personal viewpoint, and we all have unique experiences that form our perception of violence and what it takes to deal with it. Being alive is a sure sign that I have survived this planet and what it throws at me, but is it what YOU need to survive?

How do we know what it takes, when, how and where to use it?

First of all, I think it requires ACCEPTANCE.

As an educator, I have come to believe that all I can share with you really, is my experience. I am a mother, a friend, a daughter, a wife, a human being with observations and skills that I have acquired through experiencing LIFE. I can speak to you as an expert, telling you what is best for you, or I can simply share what's in my toolkit and hope it might one day serve you.

Does that make sense?

I don't think one person is naturally better at self protection than another, I simply realized that some people are more interested in the topic than others and are AWAKE to REALITY. I look at results. Everyone for better or worse, is a teacher. That's how I see you, as my teacher. Criminals are my teacher too. If you are closed minded about what I have to teach, I am not a good teacher for you. Does it matter how "good" or effective I am? Does it matter if I am a male or a female? The most effective people in my opinion, are the people who don't take shit for granted and are aware of the fact that we are never safe on this amazing planet called Earth. 

You might want to check out my article on what it takes to be my instructor nowadays...

I was just chatting with my friend Dave in the U.S.; he's a veteran, he's one of the toughest sons of bitches I know. With enough combat experience to put me to shame, he makes me sound like a princess. Dave is at war with himself and his country. Dave is not in a great space, he's fighting the biggest fight of his life, Dave has P.T.S.D. and is suicidal. He has fought for his country, he is intelligent and resourceful, he has learned more about violence than most people will ever know. Dave reminds me on a daily basis that being tough is important, but it may not be enough to live and be happy on this planet! At best, he merely EXISTS.

You can walk around with keys between your fingers all day and survive, but that may not be why you are still alive. 

So what does it take? What is the right and perfect tool kit? What is THE perfect self defence training?

What helps for you to FEEL strong, safe and confident may not be what you NEED when shit hits the fan, many martial artists can attest to that. Professionals in the industry are often very good at convincing people of what they need to know, but you need to ask yourself how it can be that a man or woman who knows nothing about you, can know what is best for you… How can a male or a teacher male OR female half your age, who has never seen violence as you may one day, know how to prepare you for some of the horrors of this planet...

I realize that I am raising more questions than I am answering them at this point, and that is EXACTLY what I want! As an educator, I share my experience like a mother would to her own children. I am not better than other self defence instructors, I just have a unique point of view and consequently a very unique set of skills. 

I'm not sure WHEN protection, first aid and survival became an option in our educational system, but I sure am questioning WHY. It's obvious to me that I cannot depend on the government to prepare my kid for life. This is my job as a matriarch. And I'm not just talking about my biological kids. I am talking about my community.

Dave reminds me of this fact. People like Dave are the reason why I came to be the parent I am. I got really clear on what I have to do in order to make sure my son gets the best chances at surviving on this planet, I take personal responsibility for it. My child matters, and it's THE MOST important job I will ever have. I also make sure he is not a danger to others.

What people WANT to learn and what they NEED may not match, one needs to ask themselves some hard questions about LIFE, conflict, violence and how to deal with it before claiming to know it all. This is why I love Rory Miller so much, he's done his homework. The sheer existence of his book Meditations on violence has given me enough faith in him to want to learn more from him. 

Coming back to what I need in order to do security, well, I thought I knew what I needed to be a doorwoman when I first started.

 I was wrong. 

How do I know? 

HUMILITY,

EXPERIENCE, 

RETROSPECTIVE 

and 

OPEN MINDEDNESS.

It's like giving birth, you don't KNOW until you go through it, and you still don't know it all once you've gone through it…

Let go of your assumptions, question your beliefs, ESPECIALLY if you are a teacher.

BE SAFE!

J Kaikan Boyd

LOYALTY AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Breach of contracts, official or not, either emotional, personal or business related is a very challenging issue to say the least. It is found in all relationships, in the family of origin, at play, at work and yes, in the dojo. In my observation, it lies within the mind.

Byron Katie speaks about living by a code of ethics and explains that it may sound like a good idea, but that ultimately it is a set of rules put in place in an attempt to establish control. We aim to live harmoniously by setting boundaries/limits, and bringing forth certain concepts we hope others will respect so we can feel SAFE.

In my experience, when we take the time to question our thoughts, we gain a lot of clarity. Acting from that place is living with integrity, loving perfection. That being said, not everyone might be on the same page. Our actions can seem to cause much confusion in others if they are not clear. This is where response-ability comes into place. It's one thing to acknowledge the presence of strong feelings, but it's quite another to know what to do with them!

Reality is that not everyone live up to our ideals. We bow to each other, we recite tenants, but we rarely sit and meditate on what it means to be a conscious leader in our community. Spiritual practice has been stripped from martial arts, and yet we have retained the lingo and we are still preaching! We speak on the concept of EGO, and yet, most of us don't even know what EGO actually is, let alone have a good hand on it...

We enter relationships and commitments with the best of intentions, until shit hits the fan. With experience, we make attempts to protect ourselves and prevent loss by creating contracts that clearly state our expectations. We do our best to get everyone on board, but in the end, life will take it's course and sometimes it is not according to our plan.

Brian Myers, a martial artist, anger management educator and verbal judo instructor wrote a beautiful article on the subject of loyalty. He speaks of it as a path of mutual support, based on integrity and gratitude. He continues to explain that in his experience, true loyalty leads a student to follow an instructor who shows honest care for their well being. He hopes that a good martial arts instructor demonstrates integrity and deep gratitude for the opportunity to teach someone what they know, while the student strives to demonstrate the ability to apply that knowledge in their lives and gratitude for the time and care their instructor pours into them. What I personally relate to in his article, is the idea that loyalty reveals our love for one another and our trust in each other, it creates deeper and more meaningful relationships that can positively impact our lives. The creation of a support system  can see us through the toughest times. From this stance, it sounds more like a consequence than a guarantied outcome.

That takes TIME and FAITH. Some people are much better at communicating effectively and honestly than others. Most often we get stuck in mush. My husband and I have had to work on this. Running a couple of schools together has required us to have many conversations in order to be at peace, sometimes involving others. It has been highly difficult at times, but I love the results. I am clear, and we know where we stand. However in the end, some changes needed to be made. What has been the foundation for our success, I think, is our strong commitment to the truth and to each other as compassionate human beings.

I have had conflicts, some pretty major in my life. Through adversity, I have concluded that I am loyal to myself. It might sound selfish, but demanding loyalty from others, in my opinion, is unreasonable and selfish. It's a romantic idea. Expecting it from a person like me is pointless. I am a loving being and I do what I believe is in everyone's highest good. I have learned that some people have absolutely no idea of the conditions they place on the loyalty they demand from their entourage. True loyalty for me comes with freedom, not a binding contract.

We may be filled with romantic fantasies about pledging alliance to a person, a cause, a group or a country, but what I have come to learn is that space and time are important for compassion to take place, and virtues such as loyalty, humility, respect etc, are not always understood the same way by all people, let alone realized! It would be wise, in my opinion, to be still and reflect on our own BEING-NESS before entering battle, to be MINDFUL, to connect with our source and see what lies there.

The simple practice of compassion itself is challenging. It is often mistaken for sympathy or enabling. We are all interacting with our own projections of the world, of each other. Being compassionate is not being a doormat. It is not a passive activity! Compassion is a life long practice; We're not even kind to ourselves most of the time, and yet we expect others to be. I'm suggesting we chillax a bit and consider what the human experience is all about. Accountability comes with understanding and clarity.

I say we put our weapons down, start there, BREATHE, and breathe again.


J Kaikan Boyd
State of Mind dojo

Yogi Warrior

I've been walking with gratitude for the ability to learn SELF DEFENCE and YOGA lately. 

As much as I have benefited from it in the past, I think I have a renewed appreciation for what it is teaching me. Taking deep breaths has been a real gift. I think the key, is that I have stopped being governed by others and decided to carve my own path…

 I am not a FIGHTER, but I can be a real shit disturber.

 I have never laid hands on anyone outside the ring, unless it was in self defence or required for my job; Even then, it wasn't intended. At work I use specific controlling techniques shown in tactical training, and I am mindful of the consequences of my actions. 

 I spent most of my life withholding anger and making attempts to be at peace with my family and love ones, until it reaches a limit. Having healthy boundaries has been a life long journey that led me to take a lot of training. I could barely hold it together, and it cost me my mental health and several relationships, so I began searching... 

I thought I had found the perfect outlet to let go of this anger by training martial arts, but I recently concluded that some combative training seems to only serve to move it around, not really addressing the root of it. 

So I took a break and meditated on it.

What I see, is the possibility that martial arts, in many schools that is, are deprived of mindfulness and wisdom. I don't think it's so much the art, but possibly the instructors that make the largest difference in the outcome. For instance I think that some people may seem calm and fairly peaceful individuals, but can justify violence and often pass this on to students who struggle with control and have a more aggressive nature, like myself. That, is rarely a peaceful combination. So even though an instructor may be well intended and with several years of practice on the mat, there is value in looking further in the the mind of a master. 

I can't say I identify easily with most female role models or the gentle archetypes.

I've been attracted to learn from men most of my life and being competitive is pretty natural to me.  I'm often perceived as an alpha expected to stand up for others, and challenge leadership. I'm not keen on joining groups, but I am willing to challenge myself. I would rather go through discomfort and build community, learning to be interdependent and hold my own than be scared to walk this Earth alone and be co-dependant.

 I enjoy a good battle, I usually commit fully to what I do in each moment. 

TRAINING can be difficult when you would much rather prepare beautiful meals, have a bath, practice YOGA, read, have tea with a friend, play with clothes and makeup, and do dishes, etc.

Reality is that my mind is often filled with confusion and fear. We attempt to control our environment in order to minimize danger, but in the end, I would rather learn martial arts than waiting passively for world peace to manifest. 

I need physical outlets or I create havoc in my life. I come across as an angry boar, destroying practically everything in the way with my words. 

Being careful is not enough. 

MINDFULNESS

 MARTIAL ARTS and YOGA are activities that effectively deal with that energy. 

I think many of us shy away from training in self defence because we hope to stay away from violence and perpetuating it. We can't imagine ourselves fighting, even less participating in a group where that seems to be the focus. We have SHIT to do!

 Some of us walk into a club and get a taste of blood, and want more, Somehow we unleash the beast! We become obsessed with this new found "power" and look forward to exercise the right to express it, which can become an imbalance in itself in my observation.

 I have found that training martial arts has brought new people in my life who process life in a very different way than others. Being an active participant in the holistic creation of my reality, I have found that most martial artist are at least committed to growing and living with excellence. The pamphlets may be right about the values training offers, but after my own experience, not all schools teach practical skills for walking on this earth safely and harmoniously. Not everyone embraces the spiritual traditions that martial arts offer either. FEAR of DEATH must be addressed beyond survival techniques. Freedom is found beyond form. Training the mind is sometimes more complex than punching pads and doing a thousand repetitions. 

THAT is why I LOVE YOGA.

Most people who stick with practice must at some point or another learn to live mindfully in a group, and accept leadership. Either that or they will be asked to leave. That right there, is an effective survival skill beyond knowing how to defend a body or kick the shit out of another human being.

Many of us allow conflict to interrupt our training at some point or another, justifying the need to quit. 

It is entirely possible that a style, teacher or the club may not be compatible, and if that's the case, we should give ourselves permission to seek something that is a better fit for us.

I believe that all experiences are beneficial..

 INTEGRITY, HONESTY and HUMILITY are very important values to me. I have learned to appreciate compassion, accept generosity, and let go of my expectations that all teachers should be perfect and egoless! 

Find a FAIR, PROFESSIONAL and CARING educator/mentor.

I would like to thank all my teacher past and present for being willing to share their experience, and for the peace I have found. I am deeply grateful.

A THOUSAND BOWS

J

POWER AND CONTROL

POWER AND CONTROL

I just watched the movie MAN OF TAI CHI last night, and even though some critics are very hard on Keanu Reeves as a director, I thought it was brilliant. It is actually my favourite martial arts movie so far. What I appreciate about it, is that women are not portrayed as victims to be rescued by a male hero, and the message is consistent with what traditional martial arts is about! 

I'm fascinated by how violence and sex are the primary focus in many films like with Steven Segal's work for instance. Many other actors I highly respect for their skills, also seem to promote aggression and machismo onscreen. Isn't it suppose to be about Peace and Harmony as opposed to revenge and chaos? It often turns women off self defence for that reason. And guys wonder why we don't want to sit through that shit…

I can only watch so much tits and ass, rape and powerless women on a big screen before I want to scream and hit something! 

I know Bruce Lee was very keen on becoming an actor and promoting martial arts, but I don't know that it truly serves people like myself. Violence itself is something I accept, but I also know that movies do not accurately represent my own training practice. I invite all men to look at how these movies are supposed to inspire us, and to rethink their strategy on getting our asses on the matts. It is a worthy discussion to have!

There is a gap between our experience and ability to communicate our convictions. An excellent movie to watch about this topic is DON JON, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson.

Unfortunately, action is what many of us want to see in a movie and what keeps us engaged. That reality transfers into the dojo, where students value movement over introspection, and kicking ass over mindfulness and prevention. Since business owners make more money when serving patrons what they want, many fail to reflect on their legacy and give their students what they need. 

 The guidance of an emotionally mature and responsible teacher is like mentorship for many, so I think it's crucial to be self aware and honest about what we teach. Focusing on techniques and fitness alone will not serve our world as well as a more wholistic program would. In rebelling against traditional martial arts, some of us have left being some basic educational values, like compassion, respect, courtesy and patience. We have an opportunity to set an example for many who do not get those virtues at home or at school, We have an important role and should be more mindful of the seeds we plant by all our actions.  

Money and survival being such a focus, I see sacrifices everywhere in our choices for creating a happy and balanced existence. We are consumed by fear, consequently getting us to move in directions that may not support our wellbeing and the one of others. That being said, I am a firm believer that everything serves, so I am not alarmed. I promote zazen and inquiry as practices to guide our choices.

Byron Katie says: "A healthy mind makes healthy choices, no decisions involved." So if that's true, and I trust her experience, how do we know if our mind is healthy or not? I guess that is a question for all of us to ask ourselves.

LETS LOOK CLOSELY AT OUR LEADERSHIP

Share your deepest truth instead of being a slave to ego.
There is a saying I HATE: "Leave your ego off the mats."My thoughts on that is that if we could leave our ego at the door, why on Earth would we want to pick it back up! We need to explore what ego is, and how to train our mind accordingly.Aggression is better expressed in a dojo among peers who learn about control and express that energy in a positive way, with the guidance experienced teachers who are responsible ON AND OFF THE MATTS. 

Training is a path of self discovery. Many people who would benefit from this practice, shy away from dojos due to misconceptions promoted at large. To make matters worse, many schools advertise the benefits of martial arts, only to serve us and our children a generous spoonful of ego driven goals as opposed to effective safety skills!

What is the solution? 

Meditate on it yourself, make choices with a healthy mind.

BE MINDFUL

BE AWAKE!

HEALING

The following video is a powerful story in the life of one couple, and the people who interact with them. 

 My intention in sharing with you, is first and foremost to create awareness, but also to share my own experience as a participant in such a relationship, as a witness to others who have been in one, and as a counsellor. I encourage you to watch and listen, to suspend your opinion about everything and everyone in this story. 

Then lets go from here…

In my counselling training, we were encouraged to watch videos like the one above, and discuss how we would approach each individual if they were to come through our door. We also role played being the therapist with our co-students, taking turns being clients and being counsellor. We got evaluated by the instructors and received feedback. Everyone else in the room watching gave feedback if they wanted. We were encouraged to be vulnerable, but not pushed beyond our boundaries. We were not even obliged to tell a true story, but I just dove in, like I usually do with everything. A consequence of such vulnerability is often to cause some stress, but in the end, I thought it was quite worth it for many reasons…

What I learned during my training with The Counsellor Training Institute was powerful in many ways, it went miles beyond traditional training and book theory. It was the most efficient practice to get beyond being a victims of abuse for me at the time, and it opened me up to other human beings in a way I never had before. As I embodied each role in the story during our training, I spent time getting in touch with that reality in my own mind. I was personally invested in doing a good job as an actor, so it wasn't difficult to tap into my own experience and deliver a good show. I can be pretty convincing! Little did I know, it was going to be the beginning of a huge transformation in my body, mind and heart. Each time I made an intention to clear conflict in my own life, it seemed to set in motion a whole bunch of opportunities to open up to experiences that would consequently support that intention.

Looking back, I realize that our story about any given event is a strong component in what guides our actions, inaction or non-action. Marie and Fred's story is no exception. As bystanders, we may have strong reactions and opinions about the video. I invite you to question everything. Their story could have many endings, and you will find one of those conclusions posted on YouTube. When I saw the proposed ending, I felt sick to my stomach.

It may not be for the reason you think. 

Many people have a limited view of what abuse is like, and are quick to make judgments about how other people should behave at any given time. What I'm interested in these days, is to investigate what is necessary for people to heal and be happy. What support do they need, and how I may be of service. I am open to explore all avenues and interact with anyone who wish to gain more freedom in their lives, regardless of their experience and history. In the end, everyone is unique and yet holds very common feelings. Whatever role we are playing in the story is not all that important to me now, and surely does not influence my willingness to support your journey to personal freedom.

Speaking of which, we rarely hear the stories of men as victims of abuse, I know many. I am aware that not addressing it has specific consequences, and I do my part in finding balance in everything. It is my hope that men who need support find their voice, and have the courage to trust the process of being vulnerable. Too often, we are stopped in our tracks by judgment, ours or other's, and we use that as an excuse for our behaviour. My experience, is that we can hold a story to justify pretty much anything, and once we have reached a place of extreme struggle and suffering, something will give.

I hope it isn't your life…

I have seen how challenging it is for us to accept reality from every angle. I have been on many sides of this experience. What I would like to shed light on, is that in my own mind, I believe that the answers to healing are within, and that with faith and support, anything is possible. What is hard is when we loose faith and we are confused, when we do not believe we have what it takes to bring about change.

 And what is faith exactly?

EXCUSES EXCUSES…

As a martial arts instructor, one thing I hear often is: "I need to get in shape before attending your class."

A statement like this, I think is an indication that something else may be going on.  It often is much more about appearances than fitness. Being in a group may be part of the problem since it can raise some issues of comparison. Regardless of our experience, we are all different. The truth of the matter is, we can benefit from learning self defence, regardless of our physical shape and cardio ability, and martial arts training is an excellent practice for people in general, athletic or not. One solution is to begin with private instruction, but that too can be a challenging experience.

We've all heard the statement NO PAIN NO GAIN!

That in itself can scare away many students. It is a philosophy I have heard most often with younger men, but it is everywhere. Even though I value that many instructors hold the belief that self defence is similar to getting ready for war, and that cardio training is a vital part of survival, I also believe that it is possible to train effectively without pushing ourselves to injury and burnout. Pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zone is an entirely different issue. Some martial arts schools or dojos do not focus on cardiovascular and muscle development workout (skipping, pushups, jumping jacks, sprinting, etc.) Such exercises are usually done in order to support the foundational aspects or martial arts since some concepts can be difficult to execute and require muscle strength, flexibility and speed. However the intensity of the technical training through repetition and good form benefits the body, mind and spirit equally as well. We can also supplement on our time by participating in sports or yoga, participate in extra curricular activities that focus on fitness with other members, or ask our sensei for more input on that topic.

I am known for being a hard ass teacher, and some of my classes are very difficult. I have a military background and I have always been pretty YANG in training. The average martial artist actually thrives under challenging conditions. But it has become clear to me after struggling with joint pain for the past couple years, that I had to rethink my training and therefore my teaching. Of course, I know some practitioners and instructors who wish for me to push through the pain, but I know myself. I think it's important to listen to our body and to be honest with ourselves. I'm also quite resistant to buying a million health product for proper management, and I am want to remain drug and surgery free if possible. I have already had a few significant injuries through training, one of which could have been prevented by utilizing discernment and being wiser. I was too busy trying to impress my instructor!

I will not give you a lesson on EGO, however, I will caution you about not giving into its games. It's unfortunate that something as useful as first aid and martial arts are optional and not considered for public school curriculum.  I can attest to the fact that it is highly beneficial for many reasons, one of which is clarity of mind. From that place of balance, I can make decisions for myself and my practice  feels solid. I am a very open minded person, but I am also very strong and spirited, so it can be tough to convince me if I can't see the value in your philosophy, however skilled you may be in debate. One tool I use to make decisions is meditation, and I have incorporated it in my classes for adults and children.

So what of physical conditioning?

I would like to believe that it is self evident that being healthy is something we should value highly, and that common sense points to the fact that being fit makes defending ourselves that much easier. So what exactly do YOU need to get in the dojo? Some would say discipline. I'm actually not a big fan of that word, or concept. I would like to think that inspiration is a more reliable source of motivation. I practice that with my son as a matter of fact. Apparently, people think I am a highly disciplined person. I would disagree. I can see how that could be perceived as such, but I'm very easily bored with routine. I simply have a very strong operating system because I have experienced what the consequences are if I don't do what is best for me. It's much more a matter of cause and effect than process. I allow my body to move according to what makes it happy. My mind on the other hand, doesn't always agree. That is where meditation comes into play. Practicing inquiry has been a very big part of my practice this past year, and it has served in being at peace with those places where my body and mind seem to be at war.

So if you KNOW that self defence is a pretty good idea, and that a class is calling you but your mind is coming up with excuses not to attend, however valid those excuses may be, you owe it to yourself to at least question your thoughts and get to the bottom of this issue.

After all, the only thing that comes from a split mind, is guilt.

So if you would like to explore this with someone, go right ahead and contact me. I'll be happy to guide you in the best direction for YOU!

It's my specialty after all…

J Kaikan Boyd

STOP BLAMING FEMINISM!

Here is Wikepedia's definition of feminism: "A collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment."

Now, if you don't know what a feminist really looks and sounds like, and you think that because a woman speaks up she is a feminist, think again. She may be a woman, but she is not necessarily awake. The fact that you speak ill of her, or men who sympathize with her, only shows that the real problem is within you.

I am speaking to the recent conversations on the internet following Miss Nevada's suggestion that women take up self defence training. What she said has been interpreted in many ways, but mostly points to the crowd of women who believe men should simply be educated not to rape in the first place. I am specifically addressing the fact that many people, mostly men say things like: "I hate when feminists say…" "Feminists are annoying." and "Typical feminist remark!" The fact is that we are often at war with one another, and feminism is not the issue here!                                                  

I would like to point out, that a person claiming to be part a movement, or presenting themselves in speech as if they may be part of this said movement and know what the hell they are talking about, does not necessarily mean they participate in its foundational practices, not do they accurately represent and speak for all others, let alone the leaders. This is true for instance with martial artists. We all know people who can talk smack, and we all know we pass judgements on each other. So maybe the mature thing to so here, is to smile and keep walking. It is absolutely fascinating to me to hear grown ups, some of them highly intelligent, blame one another and participate in huge debates online. I have to admit that one skill I have yet to see being genuinely practiced among adults, let alone by many martial artist, is true humility.

Any person who sounds naive, ignorant and/or stupid when it comes to the reality of our existence, is not a feminist. The fact that we bother listening to confused people, give power to their arguments, engage and reply may simply indicate that we are possibly INSANE… It is a complete waste of our time and energy, demonstrating our willingness to be at war with one another. Better put our attention to people who GET IT and lead by example.

Lets take personal responsibility for our own life shall we? Lets mind our own business and really get to know the difference! We can be of better service by creating a healthy community, exercising our right of freedom and critical thinking, educating ourselves and others on the ways of peaceful living instead of pointing out the ignorance of humanity by pointing fingers. We can be leaders in this movement by reflecting on how WE contribute to separation in our own mind instead of being mindful. I don't always agree with what other people say, but arguing with you and being angry won't solve anything either. I listen, I think, I ask questions, I respond, I reflect, I process and I grow.

I am very clear with others, children and adults, about my experience. I hope it can be of help if needed, and I am not attached to how you lead your life. I am responsible for my own. Most importantly, I have a specific spiritual practice, one of respect and forgiveness. I accept reality as it is, and I do everything in my power to remain peaceful and awake so I don't freak out on people I think are stupid. Because I know that as long as I see them, it's because I am being stupid too.

RAISING A WHOLE CHILD

Looking back over my own experience with schools of all sorts, I have been deeply reflecting over my role as a mother, teacher and human being. As many of you may know, it's one thing to carry an ideal and values about raising kids, but once those little people are your full responsibility, something changes, sometimes drastically. People are full of opinions on how we should raise our children, and in the end, I think our main job is to love them. The first thing I did when finding I was going to become a mother, was to pay close attention to my own being and snap out of denial. I made some fascinating discoveries after choosing to be honest and keep my eyes open; that led me to zen practice and martial arts.

Since then, I have met some fascinating people, men and women with huge hearts. Now, I understand and accept tradition and what zen and martial arts were intended for. I have experienced the methods some instructors use to teach, and I know they are based on proven facts about training. However, I have a very critical mind, and certainly am not a doormat. I ask questions, lots of questions! Sometimes, that is considered disrespectful in traditional settings.

Essentially, inquiry is healthy. We are a generation where violence is examined closely and criticized by many, but still exists. We deny our children from expressing anger or violence to the point of forbidding toy weapons without true understanding and foresight, or even acknowledging how we have participated in creating the whole problem of violence in the first place, at some level anyway! There have been many discussions on that topic, and it is still going. My goal is not to condemn violence, but to present the subject of martial arts training/self defence, non-violence and mindfulness in a way that leaves you open to what is possible when your mind is free of judgement, and when we are willing to experience the whole being that we are. The fact is that violence is part of our living experience, and if we are honest, it is sometimes present within us as well.

It's easy to tell children to be nice. Personally, I'm a pretty rebellious person, and being "nice" is not my thing…

Not only that, but it's not effective training, and it dismisses a whole world of emotions and natural consequences. I usually come across as a troublemaker because I'm bold, aggressive in nature, I rarely sit still and I have a wicked sense of humour, but in the end, I'm pretty obedient to what I consider truthful. That being said, I have observed that rebellion may be based on a couple of things among many, disrespect or conviction. What I had to hone was to trust people. After being in highly dysfunctional situations early in life, authority and adults in general were not my friends.

I love kids regardless of what they think about me, they are raw, and mostly honest, if not in words, in actions. My experience always informs my relationships. In the past, I wasn't as afraid of the consequences with parents as I am now, and I shared my time with kids very differently. I was straightforward and honest. I did what I thought was right and what created results. My leadership style was CONTROL and COMMAND. I used my judgement, but took more risks. I mostly lived in the moment. I certainly did not fear danger as I do now. Becoming a parent triggered a few things, some cool, some not so cool. I realized I experienced more fear! I became more vulnerable. It brought me closer to understanding what loss entails, and how it might affect everyone if someone gets hurt, let alone dies. But it also led me to meditate and get to the bottom of those issues. I started to inquire more about my style of leadership, understanding that FEAR was very present in my mind…

In fact, I was so freaked out for a while I wanted to become a zen monk.

I wanted to dedicate my life to introspection and not waste anymore time on Earth. I wanted to be the perfect parent. I was deeply traumatized by my own family experience, and I wanted to be at peace. Somehow, the Universe had a different plan for me than becoming a HERMIT. My path took a funny turn, and brought my son to martial arts practice where he wanted to learn to fight. I met some wonderful teachers who guided me after my son quit training. He found out he wasn't a fighter after all, and I discovered I was!

When done in a zen context, teaching martial arts to children is not about telling them no to talk to strangers to avoid being kidnapped; it's not about blind obedience, telling them what is good and bad, nor is it about being the top dog and "kicking ass"! So maybe we should do a little research before giving our children away when it has to do with such important matters as life and death.

It's mostly about modelling responsibility, mentoring, giving direct feedback in a very kinaesthetic way as oppose to theory and ideas, demonstrating healthy boundaries setting, how our actions affect the whole, and being mindful of the consequences while co-creating healthy community. It calls us to grow and if done properly, it's a beautiful practice where we can extend our creative potential.

I have been a witness to martial arts instruction for a while now, and defence techniques are often the first thing kids will learn, more so then critical thinking, emotional intelligence, mood management, verbal judo or other non-violent communication tools, safety measures, sensitivity, environmental and circumstantial awareness, defence and de-escalation strategies, the law and natural consequences. We seem to think our kids are too stupid to introduce these ideas, but we'll teach them how to rip testicles, choke people out and blind others?

Why? 

Often because children want to do what the guys do in the movies. It leads them to think they should be tough to survive and that fighting is cool. It might even make you popular! The biggest problem is not even the film industry, but that parents and teachers will give them what they want. And now it's all over the internet… You think kids stop and read the caution disclaimer? Hell it's generally one of many men's favourite activities and encourage their offsprings to watch or participate… Generally, women do not encourage what they consider violent sports or movies, as they don't know how to make sense of violence and aggression since they are not aware of their own. They can't see the difference between self defence and fighting sports because they refuse to train themselves, and because our heroes grossly misrepresents the arts. There is judgment and blame of society, genders, government etc, and unwillingness to take personal responsibility.

Often parents want their children to exercise, acquire self discipline, self confidence and everything else martial arts schools promise, so the spiritual side of practice is set aside, very much like what happened with yoga practice in the West. As business owners, we hope to make money, and teachers don't want to bore the hell out of the kids or get in confrontations about philosophy. Most haven't spent much time meditating on the issue to begin with. Traditionally speaking that is not a concern, it's actually the foundation of practice.

I invite you to put those fears to rest by challenging your thoughts, and really connecting with what is in our children's highest good here. We can nurture our children and share life skills without sacrificing our basic values. In the end we all suffer the consequences when our children are not considered as whole beings, or when money and EGO take precedent over young adults who find themselves in prison for assault and manslaughter because violence is so widely practiced without guidance and spiritual container.

Zen is not about religion, it's about mindfulness. I am not promoting Zen Buddhism, even though it is the basis of my own practice. I also know of many other practices that serve as excellent guidelines for people to explore their mind.

How does it help me to teach?

What we need to understand is that we are forming habits during training, for better or worse. Under stress, it's unlikely that we will use discernment and take time to think. Zen and martial arts is focused on being aware of our nature as human beings, and to reduce stress, not on being a fighting machine. It trains us not to let our thoughts get in the way of our actions, to be present to reality and respond accordingly. We are mindful and responsible during training so that we can act accordingly in a real situation. At the same time, we cannot expect ourselves to necessarily do what we would like to do as a defence simply because we have learned a few techniques over a weekend seminar. Survival instincts may be strong, but will not guaranty a safe escape. Stress is an interesting phenomenon. Even with massive training, it is advisable to remain humble and expect nothing. I have found a gift in being part of a supportive community. As my sensei says: "PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE." This applies with sensitivity, breathing and awareness.

We are responsible! We are suppressing our inquisitive minds with activity and addiction, we let EGO direct our choices and forget about consequences. Our children are watching us, and we have the ability to be excellent role models. But first, we should start to even know what ego IS! And instead of rectifying the problem, we keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

When I question my own mind, pay attention to my breath, practice patience and remain still long enough to allow clarity, I can find my truth and be happy. I have spent many days simply revisiting concepts and beliefs about myself and others, the world and leadership. Observing children and connecting with their heart/mind is much more effective and nurturing than filling them with information to program them according to our vision of reality. I am perfectly clear and honest with parents about my vision, and I invite feedback and participation. I make sure that I surround myself with people I trust and are open minded, who are loving and just. In the case of educating children, I find that humility and respect is more important than technical knowledge. Experts rarely impress me if they lack the essential qualities to inspire others.

My leadership style now id ASK and INSPIRE. I communicate my expectations with children and we have clear and respectful communication. I am also constantly checking in, practicing patience and reflecting on what I believe to be in everyone's highest good. I ask for help often, and when a challenge arises, I ask for feedback, and not only from people who agree with me! I am not afraid of competition or loosing students to another teacher. I'm also not afraid of men, and I value their honest opinion. For instance, I don't carry, but I know people who do… I mindfully expose my kids to practically everything in small dosage, and encourage open communication. I prefer a healthy community based on collaboration and respect, and where people learn easily and from compatible teachers. I believe that we are resilient and caring, therefore I am at peace with what is. I trust the process.

I love being with children because they are my teachers. When we listen closely, these little people have big hearts and wonderful minds that are only asking to love and soar, and THAT is what I hope to achieve. My job is to provide them with choices and encourage personal freedom.  I have learned that respect, for myself and others, has led me to inner peace. What I practice is honouring my own Being, my inner guidance, and with that I know what to do, I listen and do the right thing for me and consequently for the world. Sometimes it appears rebellious, but it comes from a different place than REACTION.

So that is what I teach, along with the techniques; I FOCUS ON THE WHOLE BEING.

Most teachers know very little of teaching, they simply regurgitate what they have learned themselves. They are afraid of children taking over the room and challenging them. The concept of critical thinking can be a problem for some educators and parents, because children will start questioning everything! Since when is that a PROBLEM?
We are confused…
SCARED!

We want control and with it comes leadership issues, power, violence. I have seen teachers who demand blind obedience, and some of them are even abusive about it. The sad thing is that many families believe that this is what martial arts are about, and they want their children to walk in line, learn discipline, not talk back; therefore it sounds like a great idea! I can understand that. I am a parent. But what I want is a happy and self sufficient resilient child with emotional intelligence. I want him or her to feel safe to ask questions and get some help when necessary. I want them to be FREE!

On the flip side, some parents ignore the need to learn self defence and live in denial, out of fear of becoming violent. The beauty of fostering discernment and independence is that kids won't resent you for your leadership later. They will go about their business as intended by their higher self because they have been taught to think for themselves, modelling powerful figures who respect them and encourage the healthy expressions of their whole being.

Would you not want that for your children?

Gassho,

Senpai Boyd

LOVE AND VIOLENT MEN…

I AM OPEN TO PEACE 

I have decided to question my thoughts about men, women, violence and human nature. You can deny love all you want, kick and scream if you want, but you probably won't change my heart.

I am done being paralyzed with fear.

LIFE is much more pleasant when I don't blame others for what I make of it. I no longer waste my time thinking others are at fault if my mind is not at peace. 

Yes, I am angry at times.

I have shared much time and space with violent men; I was raised by them. 

I was raised by a violent woman as well.

And I too, can be quite a nightmare sometimes, I am accountable.

 I know how challenging it is to be happy when our existence keeps on providing us with experiences that beat us to the ground. I know that it's possible to feel gratitude instead after all , and to allow everything the space to be questioned, including our own beliefs.

The moment I observe MY OWN mind, the minute I realize I am not separate, the world changes dramatically. I take responsibility for perceiving and experiencing my own life, it is a reflection of my own mind.  

Believe me, believe me not, it's up to you. If it suits you to be a victim, be my guest.

HOWEVER 

There is power in accepting what is. What remains after my story is not going to change by having a temper tantrum. I have experienced this for myself, I am not parroting...

STOP, BREATHE and LOOK WITHIN. 

If you have the guts to sit with what you see in your own mind, congratulations.

I am not telling you to remain at the mercy of violent men. 
I am telling you that power resides in you!

I know how difficult it is to deal with some people, men and women. I have rebelled and fought back often. I have decided to claim my space on this planet and to be happy, but fighting is exhausting. We also need to rest.

 I am very clear now that a solution lives within ME.

If you come to share stories of abuse, your pain and suffering, know that I will hold space for it all.

That being said

I LOVE men, and everything about them, so don't expect me to be on your team if you plan to go to war against them.

There are beautiful men and women in this world who are deeply caring and supportive as well as people who are suffering. They have taught me integrity patience, tolerance, compassion, resilience and self respect.

I am on THEIR team…

I feel deep joy sharing time and space with people who are loving and responsible, and the seed of hatred has been replaced by overflowing love towards my world and everyone in it as a result.

Somedays are more difficult than others, 

it's a daily practice, and it is WORTH IT!