Breach of contracts, official or not, either emotional, personal or business related is a very challenging issue to say the least. It is found in all relationships, in the family of origin, at play, at work and yes, in the dojo. In my observation, it lies within the mind.
Byron Katie speaks about living by a code of ethics and explains that it may sound like a good idea, but that ultimately it is a set of rules put in place in an attempt to establish control. We aim to live harmoniously by setting boundaries/limits, and bringing forth certain concepts we hope others will respect so we can feel SAFE.
In my experience, when we take the time to question our thoughts, we gain a lot of clarity. Acting from that place is living with integrity, loving perfection. That being said, not everyone might be on the same page. Our actions can seem to cause much confusion in others if they are not clear. This is where response-ability comes into place. It's one thing to acknowledge the presence of strong feelings, but it's quite another to know what to do with them!
Reality is that not everyone live up to our ideals. We bow to each other, we recite tenants, but we rarely sit and meditate on what it means to be a conscious leader in our community. Spiritual practice has been stripped from martial arts, and yet we have retained the lingo and we are still preaching! We speak on the concept of EGO, and yet, most of us don't even know what EGO actually is, let alone have a good hand on it...
We enter relationships and commitments with the best of intentions, until shit hits the fan. With experience, we make attempts to protect ourselves and prevent loss by creating contracts that clearly state our expectations. We do our best to get everyone on board, but in the end, life will take it's course and sometimes it is not according to our plan.
Brian Myers, a martial artist, anger management educator and verbal judo instructor wrote a beautiful article on the subject of loyalty. He speaks of it as a path of mutual support, based on integrity and gratitude. He continues to explain that in his experience, true loyalty leads a student to follow an instructor who shows honest care for their well being. He hopes that a good martial arts instructor demonstrates integrity and deep gratitude for the opportunity to teach someone what they know, while the student strives to demonstrate the ability to apply that knowledge in their lives and gratitude for the time and care their instructor pours into them. What I personally relate to in his article, is the idea that loyalty reveals our love for one another and our trust in each other, it creates deeper and more meaningful relationships that can positively impact our lives. The creation of a support system can see us through the toughest times. From this stance, it sounds more like a consequence than a guarantied outcome.
That takes TIME and FAITH. Some people are much better at communicating effectively and honestly than others. Most often we get stuck in mush. My husband and I have had to work on this. Running a couple of schools together has required us to have many conversations in order to be at peace, sometimes involving others. It has been highly difficult at times, but I love the results. I am clear, and we know where we stand. However in the end, some changes needed to be made. What has been the foundation for our success, I think, is our strong commitment to the truth and to each other as compassionate human beings.
I have had conflicts, some pretty major in my life. Through adversity, I have concluded that I am loyal to myself. It might sound selfish, but demanding loyalty from others, in my opinion, is unreasonable and selfish. It's a romantic idea. Expecting it from a person like me is pointless. I am a loving being and I do what I believe is in everyone's highest good. I have learned that some people have absolutely no idea of the conditions they place on the loyalty they demand from their entourage. True loyalty for me comes with freedom, not a binding contract.
We may be filled with romantic fantasies about pledging alliance to a person, a cause, a group or a country, but what I have come to learn is that space and time are important for compassion to take place, and virtues such as loyalty, humility, respect etc, are not always understood the same way by all people, let alone realized! It would be wise, in my opinion, to be still and reflect on our own BEING-NESS before entering battle, to be MINDFUL, to connect with our source and see what lies there.
The simple practice of compassion itself is challenging. It is often mistaken for sympathy or enabling. We are all interacting with our own projections of the world, of each other. Being compassionate is not being a doormat. It is not a passive activity! Compassion is a life long practice; We're not even kind to ourselves most of the time, and yet we expect others to be. I'm suggesting we chillax a bit and consider what the human experience is all about. Accountability comes with understanding and clarity.
I say we put our weapons down, start there, BREATHE, and breathe again.
J Kaikan Boyd
State of Mind dojo
