LETTING GO OF FEAR

I am bathing into the phenomena of relating.



I am once again reminded of how it feels to be affected by an angry person that frightens us and feeling vulnerable as a result. I know what to do now though and how to be, but it does not mean that I am not afraid. That is part of what I teach as a martial artist.


In many ways, fear can be a gift...


With counselling training, sitting zazen and Self Defence practice, I still feel triggered from time to time when anger is directed at me. I have the tools not to take it personally, and even to see the situation entirely differently than through my story of perceived abuse. Being, is simply that, being. Now that I know martial arts, I need to be even more present when triggered because it means using deadly force if I ever was to react. What I have observed in other practitioners, even highly experienced ones, is that sometimes they justify their actions by judging other people's behaviour. For instance, a person who acts like a "bully" had it comming... Although I understand that train of thought, and have experienced it too. I now question my beliefs and seek the truth.


I'm not saying it's easy to keep my judgement out of it, but I do my best to mind my own business; judging another is not it. Responding however, is my business. So nowadays, I don't spend too much time speculating about what I would or would not do in any given situation. I just sincerely pray it comes from a loving place.If I feel angry, I say so. But I don't expect people to behave in ways that I believe are correct in my view anymore. I know I may not have the whole picture.


Underneath anger, there is a world of fear. Knowing this provides me with compassion and patience towards myself and others, but it does not always come right away. When that is the case, I take a pause and hope to see clearly.


I recently had the great opportunity to spend time with a beautiful man from my past, an ex boyfriend I used to be terrified of. Twenty years after our separation, we met with the intention to let go of our story, share our experience and be at peace. The presence and awareness possible between us now, has brought us both to tears. I am immensely grateful for this man's courage and openness to see me again, after so many years of living in pain from the thoughts he held about having hurt me. In my world, the work was done throughout the twenty years following our breakup. I had left this relationship with as much ease as ripping my own heart out of my chest. I had promised to love him forever, taken his son as my own, and even tattoed his name on my skin...


Breaking promises is something I despise, and I don't make them anymore unless I know I can follow through.


But THIS was a matter of life and death! And it was not the first, nor the last difficult relationship I experienced, but it was probably the scariest and most significant in influencing my decision to make some steps to find inner peace.


It took much time, dedication and dilligence in order to accept the fact that I was completely able to make peace with this man on my own. Besides, I had a restraining order against him, and I was clear about the sacrifices I had to make in order to get support from my loved ones and the community. The concept of closure is one that can be falsely promoted in needing both parties to be involved. Even though it may be wonderful to experience, it is not necessary. However, it can be very difficult to maintain this clarity under stress and confusion. Love after all, is not about separation.


It is in my 40's that I have finally found some thoughts that bring me complete peace over life in it's most difficult times. Thanks to my patient teachers, I may not be enlightened, but I am deeply happy, often.


To infinity and beyond I say!


I sincerely hope for all sentient beings, that we can show the courage necessary to still our minds and put all of our "weapons" down, if only for a moment, and love ourselves and one another.

Once that door is open, it cannot be forgotten.


Gassho