Looking back over my own experience with schools of all sorts, I have been deeply reflecting over my role as a mother, teacher and human being. As many of you may know, it's one thing to carry an ideal and values about raising kids, but once those little people are your full responsibility, something changes, sometimes drastically. People are full of opinions on how we should raise our children, and in the end, I think our main job is to love them. The first thing I did when finding I was going to become a mother, was to pay close attention to my own being and snap out of denial. I made some fascinating discoveries after choosing to be honest and keep my eyes open; that led me to zen practice and martial arts.
Since then, I have met some fascinating people, men and women with huge hearts. Now, I understand and accept tradition and what zen and martial arts were intended for. I have experienced the methods some instructors use to teach, and I know they are based on proven facts about training. However, I have a very critical mind, and certainly am not a doormat. I ask questions, lots of questions! Sometimes, that is considered disrespectful in traditional settings.
Essentially, inquiry is healthy. We are a generation where violence is examined closely and criticized by many, but still exists. We deny our children from expressing anger or violence to the point of forbidding toy weapons without true understanding and foresight, or even acknowledging how we have participated in creating the whole problem of violence in the first place, at some level anyway! There have been many discussions on that topic, and it is still going. My goal is not to condemn violence, but to present the subject of martial arts training/self defence, non-violence and mindfulness in a way that leaves you open to what is possible when your mind is free of judgement, and when we are willing to experience the whole being that we are. The fact is that violence is part of our living experience, and if we are honest, it is sometimes present within us as well.
It's easy to tell children to be nice. Personally, I'm a pretty rebellious person, and being "nice" is not my thing…
Not only that, but it's not effective training, and it dismisses a whole world of emotions and natural consequences. I usually come across as a troublemaker because I'm bold, aggressive in nature, I rarely sit still and I have a wicked sense of humour, but in the end, I'm pretty obedient to what I consider truthful. That being said, I have observed that rebellion may be based on a couple of things among many, disrespect or conviction. What I had to hone was to trust people. After being in highly dysfunctional situations early in life, authority and adults in general were not my friends.
I love kids regardless of what they think about me, they are raw, and mostly honest, if not in words, in actions. My experience always informs my relationships. In the past, I wasn't as afraid of the consequences with parents as I am now, and I shared my time with kids very differently. I was straightforward and honest. I did what I thought was right and what created results. My leadership style was CONTROL and COMMAND. I used my judgement, but took more risks. I mostly lived in the moment. I certainly did not fear danger as I do now. Becoming a parent triggered a few things, some cool, some not so cool. I realized I experienced more fear! I became more vulnerable. It brought me closer to understanding what loss entails, and how it might affect everyone if someone gets hurt, let alone dies. But it also led me to meditate and get to the bottom of those issues. I started to inquire more about my style of leadership, understanding that FEAR was very present in my mind…
In fact, I was so freaked out for a while I wanted to become a zen monk.
I wanted to dedicate my life to introspection and not waste anymore time on Earth. I wanted to be the perfect parent. I was deeply traumatized by my own family experience, and I wanted to be at peace. Somehow, the Universe had a different plan for me than becoming a HERMIT. My path took a funny turn, and brought my son to martial arts practice where he wanted to learn to fight. I met some wonderful teachers who guided me after my son quit training. He found out he wasn't a fighter after all, and I discovered I was!
When done in a zen context, teaching martial arts to children is not about telling them no to talk to strangers to avoid being kidnapped; it's not about blind obedience, telling them what is good and bad, nor is it about being the top dog and "kicking ass"! So maybe we should do a little research before giving our children away when it has to do with such important matters as life and death.
It's mostly about modelling responsibility, mentoring, giving direct feedback in a very kinaesthetic way as oppose to theory and ideas, demonstrating healthy boundaries setting, how our actions affect the whole, and being mindful of the consequences while co-creating healthy community. It calls us to grow and if done properly, it's a beautiful practice where we can extend our creative potential.
I have been a witness to martial arts instruction for a while now, and defence techniques are often the first thing kids will learn, more so then critical thinking, emotional intelligence, mood management, verbal judo or other non-violent communication tools, safety measures, sensitivity, environmental and circumstantial awareness, defence and de-escalation strategies, the law and natural consequences. We seem to think our kids are too stupid to introduce these ideas, but we'll teach them how to rip testicles, choke people out and blind others?
Why?
Often because children want to do what the guys do in the movies. It leads them to think they should be tough to survive and that fighting is cool. It might even make you popular! The biggest problem is not even the film industry, but that parents and teachers will give them what they want. And now it's all over the internet… You think kids stop and read the caution disclaimer? Hell it's generally one of many men's favourite activities and encourage their offsprings to watch or participate… Generally, women do not encourage what they consider violent sports or movies, as they don't know how to make sense of violence and aggression since they are not aware of their own. They can't see the difference between self defence and fighting sports because they refuse to train themselves, and because our heroes grossly misrepresents the arts. There is judgment and blame of society, genders, government etc, and unwillingness to take personal responsibility.
Often parents want their children to exercise, acquire self discipline, self confidence and everything else martial arts schools promise, so the spiritual side of practice is set aside, very much like what happened with yoga practice in the West. As business owners, we hope to make money, and teachers don't want to bore the hell out of the kids or get in confrontations about philosophy. Most haven't spent much time meditating on the issue to begin with. Traditionally speaking that is not a concern, it's actually the foundation of practice.
I invite you to put those fears to rest by challenging your thoughts, and really connecting with what is in our children's highest good here. We can nurture our children and share life skills without sacrificing our basic values. In the end we all suffer the consequences when our children are not considered as whole beings, or when money and EGO take precedent over young adults who find themselves in prison for assault and manslaughter because violence is so widely practiced without guidance and spiritual container.
Zen is not about religion, it's about mindfulness. I am not promoting Zen Buddhism, even though it is the basis of my own practice. I also know of many other practices that serve as excellent guidelines for people to explore their mind.
How does it help me to teach?
What we need to understand is that we are forming habits during training, for better or worse. Under stress, it's unlikely that we will use discernment and take time to think. Zen and martial arts is focused on being aware of our nature as human beings, and to reduce stress, not on being a fighting machine. It trains us not to let our thoughts get in the way of our actions, to be present to reality and respond accordingly. We are mindful and responsible during training so that we can act accordingly in a real situation. At the same time, we cannot expect ourselves to necessarily do what we would like to do as a defence simply because we have learned a few techniques over a weekend seminar. Survival instincts may be strong, but will not guaranty a safe escape. Stress is an interesting phenomenon. Even with massive training, it is advisable to remain humble and expect nothing. I have found a gift in being part of a supportive community. As my sensei says: "PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE." This applies with sensitivity, breathing and awareness.
We are responsible! We are suppressing our inquisitive minds with activity and addiction, we let EGO direct our choices and forget about consequences. Our children are watching us, and we have the ability to be excellent role models. But first, we should start to even know what ego IS! And instead of rectifying the problem, we keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
When I question my own mind, pay attention to my breath, practice patience and remain still long enough to allow clarity, I can find my truth and be happy. I have spent many days simply revisiting concepts and beliefs about myself and others, the world and leadership. Observing children and connecting with their heart/mind is much more effective and nurturing than filling them with information to program them according to our vision of reality. I am perfectly clear and honest with parents about my vision, and I invite feedback and participation. I make sure that I surround myself with people I trust and are open minded, who are loving and just. In the case of educating children, I find that humility and respect is more important than technical knowledge. Experts rarely impress me if they lack the essential qualities to inspire others.
My leadership style now id ASK and INSPIRE. I communicate my expectations with children and we have clear and respectful communication. I am also constantly checking in, practicing patience and reflecting on what I believe to be in everyone's highest good. I ask for help often, and when a challenge arises, I ask for feedback, and not only from people who agree with me! I am not afraid of competition or loosing students to another teacher. I'm also not afraid of men, and I value their honest opinion. For instance, I don't carry, but I know people who do… I mindfully expose my kids to practically everything in small dosage, and encourage open communication. I prefer a healthy community based on collaboration and respect, and where people learn easily and from compatible teachers. I believe that we are resilient and caring, therefore I am at peace with what is. I trust the process.
I love being with children because they are my teachers. When we listen closely, these little people have big hearts and wonderful minds that are only asking to love and soar, and THAT is what I hope to achieve. My job is to provide them with choices and encourage personal freedom. I have learned that respect, for myself and others, has led me to inner peace. What I practice is honouring my own Being, my inner guidance, and with that I know what to do, I listen and do the right thing for me and consequently for the world. Sometimes it appears rebellious, but it comes from a different place than REACTION.
So that is what I teach, along with the techniques; I FOCUS ON THE WHOLE BEING.
Most teachers know very little of teaching, they simply regurgitate what they have learned themselves. They are afraid of children taking over the room and challenging them. The concept of critical thinking can be a problem for some educators and parents, because children will start questioning everything! Since when is that a PROBLEM?
We are confused…
SCARED!
We want control and with it comes leadership issues, power, violence. I have seen teachers who demand blind obedience, and some of them are even abusive about it. The sad thing is that many families believe that this is what martial arts are about, and they want their children to walk in line, learn discipline, not talk back; therefore it sounds like a great idea! I can understand that. I am a parent. But what I want is a happy and self sufficient resilient child with emotional intelligence. I want him or her to feel safe to ask questions and get some help when necessary. I want them to be FREE!
On the flip side, some parents ignore the need to learn self defence and live in denial, out of fear of becoming violent. The beauty of fostering discernment and independence is that kids won't resent you for your leadership later. They will go about their business as intended by their higher self because they have been taught to think for themselves, modelling powerful figures who respect them and encourage the healthy expressions of their whole being.
Would you not want that for your children?
Gassho,
Senpai Boyd
