FORGIVENESS AND REDEMPTION

I met THOR in the military. THOR is not his real name of course. I remember him saying that he didn't like trimming his eyebrows as it might affect his strength, I laughed. THOR was as handsome as they get in my books. He was strong and muscular, he had a beautiful tan and soft blonde hair. I always said he was a mix between Robert Redford and Hulk Hogan. He sat across from me at the table where we ate lunch that day, feet on a chair and chewing gum. We were all waiting to be released from the forces for one reason or another. He and I were both navy. He had served for quite a while, I was just shy of twelve agonizing months in. I was much younger than him. In retrospective, from his tone, his demeanour and his reputation, I should have known better than to fall for him.

I was smitten, instantly…

THOR uttered a highly sarcastic remark asking why I was getting out of the military, implying that I had gotten pregnant by an innocent sailor and had alterior motives. I later found out where the bitterness came from on that topic.  He was awaiting knee surgery and getting out from what he considered hell. He was angry, rebellious and pushing the boundaries of the Canadian Forces simply by having longer hair and being high all day. I on the other hand, was pretty obedient at the time. It's only much later that I started being more assertive, but I still don't rebel against authority for the sake of it. I was getting out because I had been raped by a guy in my platoon, and because I could no longer deal the lack of integrity of most people in charge. I found a loophole in order to break my three year contract, left and never looked back.

I left a tribe of assholes and ran away with their king...

THOR told stories from a very different point of view. I can see how I contributed to the problem by moving in with him, and staying. As much as I comprehend that many women are also violent  in such relationships, I think it often comes into play when we are unwilling to leave, shit might escalate from time to time. He would tell you now that I did nothing to deserve the words he shouted, the physical violence and the unjust treatment. I agree, and there are days where I defended myself, and that meant I reacted in self defence and sometimes frustration. Somedays I spoke back, argued. I once grabbed his testicles to get out of a choke hold, and mostly I cried A LOT. I did my best not to anger him, and he got angry REALLY easily, and often. It had nothing to do with me.

Nonetheless, he was much stronger than I, and I'm the one who got hurt. He used steroids and many other drugs on a daily basis, I didn't. Her now takes responsibility and admits being a violent man at the time. Apparently he seriously questioned his behaviour for years after I left. Somehow, he came to see me as an innocent victim of his rage and was hoping to make amends. It was amazingly refreshing to hear him speak. Before that, I always questioned his sanity and perception. I felt quite sorry for him and thought it was my divine mission to love him into kindness. (I just realized that my son said the same thing about a boy in elementary school, who bullied him and others.)

After listening to THOR's sad stories of previous relationships, I made a promise to never abandon him, ever. I even agreed to get a tattoo that said "property of ..." on my wrist. You probably see how naive I was, and possibly even think I was stupid. It's nothing compared to what I thought of myself when I finally left him!

The day came when that promise became impossible to keep. It was either staying or dying. I never really grasped how to establish boundaries with him, but when it came to my loved ones, I was clear and unwilling to listen to his unfounded negative criticism and insults. Actually, I left on the day he called my best friend a whore.

That day was his birthday.

I knew it would hurt.

I no longer cared.

The following days, weeks, months, years were possibly the hardest times of my life. Looking back, I'm surprised I made it. Before that, I simply fell blindly from one bad thing to another, but after THOR, I had to get help. Anger was my best friend, and I felt justified. Of course it got me in trouble, but somehow I managed to stay out of jail. My mental health was in serious jeopardy, and very few people seemed alarmed by my behaviour. They should have!

I did my best to keep a job, to sleep at night and to survive. I barely ate. I had a restraining order against THOR, little good that really served me. He was determined to make my life miserable. Nothing like a stalker to realize you need self defence training, and yet it never was offered and it never crossed my mind to save my ass! It took a lot before I finally put my foot down and said something sarcastic that got him off my back permanently. He had called my work once too many times making threats, and I'd gotten fired because my boss was done seeing me get upset. I was terminated without warning.

Twenty years later, I bumped into THOR at a martial arts tournament. It was nothing less then absolutely shocking to be standing in front of him again. I had no warning, no premonitions, no friend saying: "I just saw your ex, he's in the house!". I stood in front of him, not knowing who he was at first, until it was too late for me to walk away. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was almost a black belt in Kenpo, that my sensei, husband and a thousand of my kickass friends were around, I don't know, but I had a huge epiphany. I was not afraid of being struck or killed in that moment. As I listened to his words, I realized how much I had changed, and grown.

I was way beyond wanting revenge.

Some time past, and we kept in touch. I welcomed Facebook communication. It proved to be very healing in fact. We communicated in writing for a while, and I eventually offered to meet in person. He made it clear that he needed to share some difficult things with me, and that he felt guilty and was suffering. I thought he was ill and dying it sounded so bad! I knew my intuition was reliable, and the thought of being alone with him in person did not scare me. That in itself was a huge testament to my training I thought. I felt clam, strong and filled with LOVE.

The meeting took place by the ocean on Dallas road, and it was nothing short of a miracle in my experience. I told him I was dedicating my black belt test to him, and that without him I would not be as effective as a teacher. I knew first hand about violence in relationships, and I knew how I had gotten out of it alive and whole. I knew how difficult it was to love a man who is in pain and cannot help but being violent. I knew how difficult it is to leave and trust that whatever happened next, was out of my hands. I knew what it was like to be afraid for my life and to love at the same time. I also knew that he probably did not find it easy to believe he had been the bad guy in this story, but that I was grateful he had the humility and courage to ask for forgiveness for his own sake. I also told him he had been forgiven a long time ago and that it was not my place to judge him. Saying that I held no resentment towards him or our time together was a bit much for him to take in. It was a powerful reunion for both of us. He cried A LOT, and I felt nothing, just emptiness, the good kind of nothing.

Space, or openness might be better words than NOTHING. I just remember smiling and breathing, like a mother listening to a child in pain. I knew this experience was special and unique. I knew I was the lucky one. In that instant, I realized how priviledged we were to have a resolution in the same lifetime. Balance was restored, sweet justice had been served, not from him suffering, but from him having a true shot at being happy and finally accepting love to enter his heart/mind. All the work I had done alone, the scarifies, the numerous nights talking to my mentor and crying from a sense of separation and despair. All that became perfect in that instant. What became obvious is that all my life was perfect and that from now on, I could just trust the process. Interestingly enough, I have many other stories like this one. All it took was having faith. I'm not asking you to be a believer, but it certainly has made my own life more pleasant and manageable. I have renewed trust in the concept that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE…

Yogi Warrior

I've been walking with gratitude for the ability to learn SELF DEFENCE and YOGA lately. 

As much as I have benefited from it in the past, I think I have a renewed appreciation for what it is teaching me. Taking deep breaths has been a real gift. I think the key, is that I have stopped being governed by others and decided to carve my own path…

 I am not a FIGHTER, but I can be a real shit disturber.

 I have never laid hands on anyone outside the ring, unless it was in self defence or required for my job; Even then, it wasn't intended. At work I use specific controlling techniques shown in tactical training, and I am mindful of the consequences of my actions. 

 I spent most of my life withholding anger and making attempts to be at peace with my family and love ones, until it reaches a limit. Having healthy boundaries has been a life long journey that led me to take a lot of training. I could barely hold it together, and it cost me my mental health and several relationships, so I began searching... 

I thought I had found the perfect outlet to let go of this anger by training martial arts, but I recently concluded that some combative training seems to only serve to move it around, not really addressing the root of it. 

So I took a break and meditated on it.

What I see, is the possibility that martial arts, in many schools that is, are deprived of mindfulness and wisdom. I don't think it's so much the art, but possibly the instructors that make the largest difference in the outcome. For instance I think that some people may seem calm and fairly peaceful individuals, but can justify violence and often pass this on to students who struggle with control and have a more aggressive nature, like myself. That, is rarely a peaceful combination. So even though an instructor may be well intended and with several years of practice on the mat, there is value in looking further in the the mind of a master. 

I can't say I identify easily with most female role models or the gentle archetypes.

I've been attracted to learn from men most of my life and being competitive is pretty natural to me.  I'm often perceived as an alpha expected to stand up for others, and challenge leadership. I'm not keen on joining groups, but I am willing to challenge myself. I would rather go through discomfort and build community, learning to be interdependent and hold my own than be scared to walk this Earth alone and be co-dependant.

 I enjoy a good battle, I usually commit fully to what I do in each moment. 

TRAINING can be difficult when you would much rather prepare beautiful meals, have a bath, practice YOGA, read, have tea with a friend, play with clothes and makeup, and do dishes, etc.

Reality is that my mind is often filled with confusion and fear. We attempt to control our environment in order to minimize danger, but in the end, I would rather learn martial arts than waiting passively for world peace to manifest. 

I need physical outlets or I create havoc in my life. I come across as an angry boar, destroying practically everything in the way with my words. 

Being careful is not enough. 

MINDFULNESS

 MARTIAL ARTS and YOGA are activities that effectively deal with that energy. 

I think many of us shy away from training in self defence because we hope to stay away from violence and perpetuating it. We can't imagine ourselves fighting, even less participating in a group where that seems to be the focus. We have SHIT to do!

 Some of us walk into a club and get a taste of blood, and want more, Somehow we unleash the beast! We become obsessed with this new found "power" and look forward to exercise the right to express it, which can become an imbalance in itself in my observation.

 I have found that training martial arts has brought new people in my life who process life in a very different way than others. Being an active participant in the holistic creation of my reality, I have found that most martial artist are at least committed to growing and living with excellence. The pamphlets may be right about the values training offers, but after my own experience, not all schools teach practical skills for walking on this earth safely and harmoniously. Not everyone embraces the spiritual traditions that martial arts offer either. FEAR of DEATH must be addressed beyond survival techniques. Freedom is found beyond form. Training the mind is sometimes more complex than punching pads and doing a thousand repetitions. 

THAT is why I LOVE YOGA.

Most people who stick with practice must at some point or another learn to live mindfully in a group, and accept leadership. Either that or they will be asked to leave. That right there, is an effective survival skill beyond knowing how to defend a body or kick the shit out of another human being.

Many of us allow conflict to interrupt our training at some point or another, justifying the need to quit. 

It is entirely possible that a style, teacher or the club may not be compatible, and if that's the case, we should give ourselves permission to seek something that is a better fit for us.

I believe that all experiences are beneficial..

 INTEGRITY, HONESTY and HUMILITY are very important values to me. I have learned to appreciate compassion, accept generosity, and let go of my expectations that all teachers should be perfect and egoless! 

Find a FAIR, PROFESSIONAL and CARING educator/mentor.

I would like to thank all my teacher past and present for being willing to share their experience, and for the peace I have found. I am deeply grateful.

A THOUSAND BOWS

J

HEALING

The following video is a powerful story in the life of one couple, and the people who interact with them. 

 My intention in sharing with you, is first and foremost to create awareness, but also to share my own experience as a participant in such a relationship, as a witness to others who have been in one, and as a counsellor. I encourage you to watch and listen, to suspend your opinion about everything and everyone in this story. 

Then lets go from here…

In my counselling training, we were encouraged to watch videos like the one above, and discuss how we would approach each individual if they were to come through our door. We also role played being the therapist with our co-students, taking turns being clients and being counsellor. We got evaluated by the instructors and received feedback. Everyone else in the room watching gave feedback if they wanted. We were encouraged to be vulnerable, but not pushed beyond our boundaries. We were not even obliged to tell a true story, but I just dove in, like I usually do with everything. A consequence of such vulnerability is often to cause some stress, but in the end, I thought it was quite worth it for many reasons…

What I learned during my training with The Counsellor Training Institute was powerful in many ways, it went miles beyond traditional training and book theory. It was the most efficient practice to get beyond being a victims of abuse for me at the time, and it opened me up to other human beings in a way I never had before. As I embodied each role in the story during our training, I spent time getting in touch with that reality in my own mind. I was personally invested in doing a good job as an actor, so it wasn't difficult to tap into my own experience and deliver a good show. I can be pretty convincing! Little did I know, it was going to be the beginning of a huge transformation in my body, mind and heart. Each time I made an intention to clear conflict in my own life, it seemed to set in motion a whole bunch of opportunities to open up to experiences that would consequently support that intention.

Looking back, I realize that our story about any given event is a strong component in what guides our actions, inaction or non-action. Marie and Fred's story is no exception. As bystanders, we may have strong reactions and opinions about the video. I invite you to question everything. Their story could have many endings, and you will find one of those conclusions posted on YouTube. When I saw the proposed ending, I felt sick to my stomach.

It may not be for the reason you think. 

Many people have a limited view of what abuse is like, and are quick to make judgments about how other people should behave at any given time. What I'm interested in these days, is to investigate what is necessary for people to heal and be happy. What support do they need, and how I may be of service. I am open to explore all avenues and interact with anyone who wish to gain more freedom in their lives, regardless of their experience and history. In the end, everyone is unique and yet holds very common feelings. Whatever role we are playing in the story is not all that important to me now, and surely does not influence my willingness to support your journey to personal freedom.

Speaking of which, we rarely hear the stories of men as victims of abuse, I know many. I am aware that not addressing it has specific consequences, and I do my part in finding balance in everything. It is my hope that men who need support find their voice, and have the courage to trust the process of being vulnerable. Too often, we are stopped in our tracks by judgment, ours or other's, and we use that as an excuse for our behaviour. My experience, is that we can hold a story to justify pretty much anything, and once we have reached a place of extreme struggle and suffering, something will give.

I hope it isn't your life…

I have seen how challenging it is for us to accept reality from every angle. I have been on many sides of this experience. What I would like to shed light on, is that in my own mind, I believe that the answers to healing are within, and that with faith and support, anything is possible. What is hard is when we loose faith and we are confused, when we do not believe we have what it takes to bring about change.

 And what is faith exactly?

When you find yourself in hell, KEEP WALKING.

I heard that statement from a man once, and it has changed my attitude about emotional struggle.  So often, women tend to live in the emotions. It is a common belief that men don't want to deal with emotions, theirs and ours. It may, or may not be true. They often would rather choose humour over tears, and fighting over being vulnerable. While I let go of my own fears and simply witnessed my brothers, I have laughed and loved more than ever in their presence.

My own personal experience is that we may be willing to talk about emotions, but dealing with the heart goes beyond talking…

I'm personally a very analytical and expressive person. It's only recently that I have noticed how I have lived in the mind, emotionally charging my story of the world and how I experience it. Everyone else is just a player in my story, and I'm not sure they ever existed beyond that.

Defeat brought me to a still point. It became clear that I needed to learn a new way to relate to others if I was to remain alive.

Being in the body and expressing energy is a god sent not to be taken for granted in my opinion. Yoga, dance, sex and other movement oriented activities have always been very attractive to me. However, it does not always express powerful energy in a way that serves me, let alone others.

It is my hope that all sisters can be open to what I have to say. You may agree, or not. That is not important to me. So before you reply, just sit with it…
All I am interested in is to present you with options on how to relate to men.

So many of us are angry, at the world, the weather, at men, our mothers, our elders, our children, at God, and at ourselves. We are not always mindful. Too often we lash out, taking advantage of the fact that our male counterparts are physically stronger and should therefore not feel threatened. Many of us even deny this! Some of us also suppress our anger and suffer from depression, or we do both. We can go on for a very long time coping in one way and another, but in order to find peace and long lasting happiness, something's gotta give, and changing the world may, or may not be the answer to all our woes.

I have learned that change is possible, that deep and honest communication is easiest when I am willing to listen, and sit with it for a while. That being said, I need to feel safe in order for THAT to happen.

I have always been very clear about wanting to work with men's energy, but also terrified. It wasn't always experienced positively however. Since I was very small, I have expressed my yang abundantly, and now looking back, I know that I am not all that different than what scares me. Being in male dominated environments has been an amazing journey of awakening. From being in the military to zen practice, becoming a bouncer and working as a security professional, and finally in the dojo, I have been invited to experience what so many of us women dream of:

 MEN'S TRUE HEART/MIND.

What I have learned, is not that they essentially behave differently among their peers for the sake of playing games, but that when we are willing to listen without judgement, these amazing creatures only wish to give of themselves selflessly and to be of service. Their blunt honesty is often denied by us, rejected and twisted into something that it is not. A little understanding goes a long way, and for that to happen, it's important not to take what is expressed personally, and to be honest with ourselves!

Being among martial artists, in and out of the dojo, has been nothing but transformational. I finally found men I could not only relate to, but respect and learn consciously from.

Men martial artists have taught me a few things about being a powerful woman. Not by acting like a man, but by honouring my true Self; being solid while moving energy through martial arts and applying that to my life. They taught me about community, about vulnerability, and brotherhood. They taught me about true power, responsibility, how to focus the mind, and being quiet sometimes. They taught me discipline; forget about the discipline of doing a thousand pushups, try practicing patience, acceptance and resilience! They taught me about strength, about control, about respect and about compassion.

I have had the great privilege of sharing time and space with amazing men. Only with this attitude have they accepted me as one of their own. And with that honour, they have never asked me to be a man...

In return, I understand that to love men, is to accept and love who they are now, fiercely, and simply, without projections. The qualities expressed in brotherhood are often without words, yet when spoken, they pierce deeply and are heartfelt. Those words are not always audible, it is up to us to listen. It is not a different tongue, we just need to quiet our mind to hear it… In the process of finding our own voice and power, some of them shut down. I think it would be wise to remember their innocence and allow some space for them in a peaceful world.

Being among men, has inspired me to be a better woman, human being, a better mother and a respectful lover. It has brought me balance, the ability to attract joy and live peacefully.

I am a samurai among them; until I breathe my last breath, I will live and love fully without regrets. Bleeding or not, I will stand up after each fall. I will stand for what I know is worthy, and I will do so with my peers by my side. And if I find myself alone, I will always remember that their spirit lives within me.

Gassho

HEALING TRAUMA through Martial Arts.

"Boxing to heal trauma is like smoking to alleviate stress, it may feel good in the moment, but eventually you'll have to drop it and address the problem."

The week I received my Shodan promotion (first degree black belt), I woke up to a very interesting realization; I felt inspired to create a women's only self defence class. I was surprised because I had never been a big fan of "women only" anything, still am not. I also held a belief that I could not measure up to a male martial artist instructor and be taken seriously. Somehow, I had chosen men as role models most of my life, knights being my top heroes. I was fiercely independent, yet broken in my own mind. I accepted that for one reason or another, I was gifted a female body at birth and would one day figure out why. I saw men as STRONG and women, well, I didn't even talk about it. I felt ugly and awkward, angry and oh! so lost… Up to that point, I thought that most of the skills I needed to acquire to become whole in this lifetime, I would learn from a man.

I WAS WRONG

I have learned both from men and women, but mostly, I have learned from being a woman.

What I hope to do here is to share my vision of what it is like to be at peace with the world, and how Martial Arts supports that vision. I do not think it is the only path to freedom, in fact, I believe that everything serves. But what I do know is that many of us carry beliefs about martial arts that are untrue, and that this, like in many other aspects of our lives, keeps us from experiencing the truth.

 I have learned that sensitivity is an important quality in a teacher, man or woman, and that gaining my trust and sharing information is one thing, but awareness of what it is like to walk as a woman on this planet is quite another, let alone if you have suffered from trauma. Recognizing and understanding the barriers that keep women from entering a dojo is something worth looking at in my opinion. Perhaps, like a fish in a pond looking at a cat staring back at him, a martial artist may not quite grasp why it is so difficult for some people to make a commitment to practice. We are so quick to judge. I've been sitting on this topic for a while now and it's very important to me to present my experience in a clear and compassionate way. There are many reasons why we don't find many women in dojos, and perhaps it's the equivalent of why very few men used to practice yoga in North America, until they too discovered it's benefits. However, in my observation, men and women avoid certain things for very different reasons. Women like myself tend to be very challenged in making big commitments to activities that distract us from our responsibilities, and quite honestly, I couldn't have cared less about martial arts when I first entered a dojo.


My relationship with my son is what truly began healing my mind. What I was seeking was to spend time with healthy men and discover why I wasn't attracting them. I was a single mom at the time, and the idea of tradition appealed to me. It was clear that in order to be raising a healthy child, I needed to be at peace with myself, the world, and everyone in it. Actually, that was my mantra.With the help of my mentor, I opened myself to different ideas. I began my spiritual awakening and practice trust in my Self. My mentor at the time in fact, was a woman. She displayed what I considered some very strong masculine traits, which made me trust her. The interesting thing, is that we both balanced out through the years. She however, does not care for training.

It is my intention to explore healthy relationships that led me to my first teacher, sifu Jim Kragtwyk. I have since trained with many teachers, most importantly my husband sensei Jason Kanzan Boyd. They have all contributed to my well being in one way or another, especially the ones that have pissed me off. But it is only yesterday at a seminar with my first teacher that the light went on. It took me this long to realize why I did not enjoy training or failed to see it's value.

THAT IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU!

Gassho,

J

CLEAR LEADERSHIP

It is by far, the most inspired I have been by a book I have ever read about interpersonal relationships at work.

What I would like to share here, is that Gervase's work can be applied in all aspects of living. In my own experience, I have found this information to be true in most people who have come to me for help.

What makes me stand apart from most others, is that I am not letting fear get in the way of telling the truth of my experience to you, and I practise those principles to the best of my ability.

I encourage YOU to listen, and reflect on what he has to say.

ENJOY!

To TALK or not to talk TO STRANGERS

That is the question...

I wish to say right off the bat, that this is my personal opinion and experience as a human being, a parent and a martial arts instructor. I am not asking that you take any sides, simply that you listen and reflect. I have often been angered, shocked and plain disturbed at other people's opinions, but one thing remains, and that is when I am respected and allowed to use critical thinking, I have often found myself experiencing a shift in perception. Sometimes it's immediate, sometimes it's later. So here it goes...

I think that it's natural for children to use their intuition. They may or may not foresee a problem coming, like they do not grasp why they need to pay attention crossing the street. It may be that people simply do what is natural to them, and many children simply believe in their goodness. My spiritual
practice is to wake up, be love, connect beings as oppose to separate, to honour intuition and have compassion. I believe that we can teach our children to use their common sense and to use their mind, loving comes naturally, not fear. We can teach them not to go and pet a strange dog without asking, not to take unnecessary risks and avoid petting strange dogs, or we can teach them not to trust any dogs... There is plenty of evidence that things go wrong in getting close to animal as well as human beings, but where is the boundary where we now ask our kids to see the world from our fearful point of view?

I know that my own son is one gregarious and friendly little man. Not talking to strangers is something I cannot enforce due to his nature. He just talks to practically everyone, always has, unless he doesn't feel comfortable. He's even come back from playdates and said he wasn't interested in going back, and why. As an aside, I personally have had my share of people trespassing my personal boundaries growing up, including my parents, as a result stranger danger is not even a concept I appreciate. However, I am honest with children about my experience and do not minimize danger in general. I also speak a language they understand and invite enquiry.

Now you may be wondering if my son has ever come across adversity, or encountered a situation that may get me to re-think my position about educating him to be more cautious... The answer is yes.

What came out of those experiences, has been a gift to all. He told someone he trusted would listen non-judgementally and we got through it together. It shouldn't come as a surprise either that the people involved in the crisis were NOT strangers to him. I brought my son up to trust in his ability to overcome anything, and to understand that with living life to its fullest also comes with risks and consequences. He already has more compassion, understanding and empathy than most people I know, let alone other children.

I give my son much more freedom than what a few people in my immediate surrounding are comfortable with, and I learned one thing early as a parent, that is people always have an opinion about other people's parenting choices. We can either try and conform, or be happy. So that being said, it's not like I am immune to having opinions about other people's parenting style, but I do know this:

I don't know what is in your highest good

As a martial arts teacher and human being around many children, what I do teach besides physical self defence, is awareness, critical thinking and clear communication, boundaries, listening to intuition, along with the importance of asking for help and healthy community. I am aware of the hard fact that we all have made choices against our parents best judgement, even our own best judgement, and that this is how we learn! But the few examples that paralyze us with fear as parents may, or may not be avoided by our best intentions; that is the sad truth. I have loved the work of Byron Katie immensely on that subject, and I cannot imagine any greater pain than a having experience the loss of a child, or to be taken. That being said, it's my job to connect with my intuition, not let fear take over my life and my family's. I really love seeing the world through children's eyes. It's unfortunate to miss out on the richness of children because they have been taught to fear others. And what do we teach them if we make all their decisions for them?

     I love the idea of

     FREE RANGE KIDS