PHOENIX TEARS

PHOENIX & DRAGON 

on DEATH.

☯

PHOENIX: "We need to talk."

DRAGON: "I hate when you say this …"

PHOENIX: "How would you prefer I say it?"

DRAGON: "Just say what you have to say!"

PHOENIX: "I would like to talk to you about death."

DRAGON: "Oh, wait! WHAT? Lets not talk about death. No, wait, go back. I don't wanna talk."

"No way José!"

PHOENIX: "Yet you are not mindful with your life and the one of others, and you delight in watching violence. You seem fascinated with death and terrified of it at the same time?"

DRAGON: "Why do you have to be so blunt? Do you HAVE to be so direct about everything? 

PHOENIX: "It has to be done."

DRAGON: "Freaks me right out."

PHOENIX: "Death is inevitable."

(DRAMATIC SILENCE)

 "Would you rather WAIT until death comes knocking at your door?"

DRAGON: "I live in a cave; There is no door ..."

PHOENIX: *smiling 

"My teacher used to tell me: 'A smart ass will get you a sore one.' He was right."

DRAGON: "Funny… Who was your teacher?"

PAUSE

PHOENIX: "He was a very very wise Dragon." 

               

☯

FORGIVENESS AND REDEMPTION

I met THOR in the military. THOR is not his real name of course. I remember him saying that he didn't like trimming his eyebrows as it might affect his strength, I laughed. THOR was as handsome as they get in my books. He was strong and muscular, he had a beautiful tan and soft blonde hair. I always said he was a mix between Robert Redford and Hulk Hogan. He sat across from me at the table where we ate lunch that day, feet on a chair and chewing gum. We were all waiting to be released from the forces for one reason or another. He and I were both navy. He had served for quite a while, I was just shy of twelve agonizing months in. I was much younger than him. In retrospective, from his tone, his demeanour and his reputation, I should have known better than to fall for him.

I was smitten, instantly…

THOR uttered a highly sarcastic remark asking why I was getting out of the military, implying that I had gotten pregnant by an innocent sailor and had alterior motives. I later found out where the bitterness came from on that topic.  He was awaiting knee surgery and getting out from what he considered hell. He was angry, rebellious and pushing the boundaries of the Canadian Forces simply by having longer hair and being high all day. I on the other hand, was pretty obedient at the time. It's only much later that I started being more assertive, but I still don't rebel against authority for the sake of it. I was getting out because I had been raped by a guy in my platoon, and because I could no longer deal the lack of integrity of most people in charge. I found a loophole in order to break my three year contract, left and never looked back.

I left a tribe of assholes and ran away with their king...

THOR told stories from a very different point of view. I can see how I contributed to the problem by moving in with him, and staying. As much as I comprehend that many women are also violent  in such relationships, I think it often comes into play when we are unwilling to leave, shit might escalate from time to time. He would tell you now that I did nothing to deserve the words he shouted, the physical violence and the unjust treatment. I agree, and there are days where I defended myself, and that meant I reacted in self defence and sometimes frustration. Somedays I spoke back, argued. I once grabbed his testicles to get out of a choke hold, and mostly I cried A LOT. I did my best not to anger him, and he got angry REALLY easily, and often. It had nothing to do with me.

Nonetheless, he was much stronger than I, and I'm the one who got hurt. He used steroids and many other drugs on a daily basis, I didn't. Her now takes responsibility and admits being a violent man at the time. Apparently he seriously questioned his behaviour for years after I left. Somehow, he came to see me as an innocent victim of his rage and was hoping to make amends. It was amazingly refreshing to hear him speak. Before that, I always questioned his sanity and perception. I felt quite sorry for him and thought it was my divine mission to love him into kindness. (I just realized that my son said the same thing about a boy in elementary school, who bullied him and others.)

After listening to THOR's sad stories of previous relationships, I made a promise to never abandon him, ever. I even agreed to get a tattoo that said "property of ..." on my wrist. You probably see how naive I was, and possibly even think I was stupid. It's nothing compared to what I thought of myself when I finally left him!

The day came when that promise became impossible to keep. It was either staying or dying. I never really grasped how to establish boundaries with him, but when it came to my loved ones, I was clear and unwilling to listen to his unfounded negative criticism and insults. Actually, I left on the day he called my best friend a whore.

That day was his birthday.

I knew it would hurt.

I no longer cared.

The following days, weeks, months, years were possibly the hardest times of my life. Looking back, I'm surprised I made it. Before that, I simply fell blindly from one bad thing to another, but after THOR, I had to get help. Anger was my best friend, and I felt justified. Of course it got me in trouble, but somehow I managed to stay out of jail. My mental health was in serious jeopardy, and very few people seemed alarmed by my behaviour. They should have!

I did my best to keep a job, to sleep at night and to survive. I barely ate. I had a restraining order against THOR, little good that really served me. He was determined to make my life miserable. Nothing like a stalker to realize you need self defence training, and yet it never was offered and it never crossed my mind to save my ass! It took a lot before I finally put my foot down and said something sarcastic that got him off my back permanently. He had called my work once too many times making threats, and I'd gotten fired because my boss was done seeing me get upset. I was terminated without warning.

Twenty years later, I bumped into THOR at a martial arts tournament. It was nothing less then absolutely shocking to be standing in front of him again. I had no warning, no premonitions, no friend saying: "I just saw your ex, he's in the house!". I stood in front of him, not knowing who he was at first, until it was too late for me to walk away. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was almost a black belt in Kenpo, that my sensei, husband and a thousand of my kickass friends were around, I don't know, but I had a huge epiphany. I was not afraid of being struck or killed in that moment. As I listened to his words, I realized how much I had changed, and grown.

I was way beyond wanting revenge.

Some time past, and we kept in touch. I welcomed Facebook communication. It proved to be very healing in fact. We communicated in writing for a while, and I eventually offered to meet in person. He made it clear that he needed to share some difficult things with me, and that he felt guilty and was suffering. I thought he was ill and dying it sounded so bad! I knew my intuition was reliable, and the thought of being alone with him in person did not scare me. That in itself was a huge testament to my training I thought. I felt clam, strong and filled with LOVE.

The meeting took place by the ocean on Dallas road, and it was nothing short of a miracle in my experience. I told him I was dedicating my black belt test to him, and that without him I would not be as effective as a teacher. I knew first hand about violence in relationships, and I knew how I had gotten out of it alive and whole. I knew how difficult it was to love a man who is in pain and cannot help but being violent. I knew how difficult it is to leave and trust that whatever happened next, was out of my hands. I knew what it was like to be afraid for my life and to love at the same time. I also knew that he probably did not find it easy to believe he had been the bad guy in this story, but that I was grateful he had the humility and courage to ask for forgiveness for his own sake. I also told him he had been forgiven a long time ago and that it was not my place to judge him. Saying that I held no resentment towards him or our time together was a bit much for him to take in. It was a powerful reunion for both of us. He cried A LOT, and I felt nothing, just emptiness, the good kind of nothing.

Space, or openness might be better words than NOTHING. I just remember smiling and breathing, like a mother listening to a child in pain. I knew this experience was special and unique. I knew I was the lucky one. In that instant, I realized how priviledged we were to have a resolution in the same lifetime. Balance was restored, sweet justice had been served, not from him suffering, but from him having a true shot at being happy and finally accepting love to enter his heart/mind. All the work I had done alone, the scarifies, the numerous nights talking to my mentor and crying from a sense of separation and despair. All that became perfect in that instant. What became obvious is that all my life was perfect and that from now on, I could just trust the process. Interestingly enough, I have many other stories like this one. All it took was having faith. I'm not asking you to be a believer, but it certainly has made my own life more pleasant and manageable. I have renewed trust in the concept that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE…

TOUGH ENOUGH

What you need to know to protect yourself

I'm not going to provide you with a list here. I'm not going to tell you what the basics are in my books. There are too many lists out there already. Who knows what the perfect list is?

Working security, I often have women come to me showing their muscles and say they could easily do my job because they're really tough.  Interestingly enough, more women challenge me than men. Most guys respect that if I'm security, I might know a thing or two on how to deal with violence. 

Self defence is very much like that. We all have a personal viewpoint, and we all have unique experiences that form our perception of violence and what it takes to deal with it. Being alive is a sure sign that I have survived this planet and what it throws at me, but is it what YOU need to survive?

How do we know what it takes, when, how and where to use it?

First of all, I think it requires ACCEPTANCE.

As an educator, I have come to believe that all I can share with you really, is my experience. I am a mother, a friend, a daughter, a wife, a human being with observations and skills that I have acquired through experiencing LIFE. I can speak to you as an expert, telling you what is best for you, or I can simply share what's in my toolkit and hope it might one day serve you.

Does that make sense?

I don't think one person is naturally better at self protection than another, I simply realized that some people are more interested in the topic than others and are AWAKE to REALITY. I look at results. Everyone for better or worse, is a teacher. That's how I see you, as my teacher. Criminals are my teacher too. If you are closed minded about what I have to teach, I am not a good teacher for you. Does it matter how "good" or effective I am? Does it matter if I am a male or a female? The most effective people in my opinion, are the people who don't take shit for granted and are aware of the fact that we are never safe on this amazing planet called Earth. 

You might want to check out my article on what it takes to be my instructor nowadays...

I was just chatting with my friend Dave in the U.S.; he's a veteran, he's one of the toughest sons of bitches I know. With enough combat experience to put me to shame, he makes me sound like a princess. Dave is at war with himself and his country. Dave is not in a great space, he's fighting the biggest fight of his life, Dave has P.T.S.D. and is suicidal. He has fought for his country, he is intelligent and resourceful, he has learned more about violence than most people will ever know. Dave reminds me on a daily basis that being tough is important, but it may not be enough to live and be happy on this planet! At best, he merely EXISTS.

You can walk around with keys between your fingers all day and survive, but that may not be why you are still alive. 

So what does it take? What is the right and perfect tool kit? What is THE perfect self defence training?

What helps for you to FEEL strong, safe and confident may not be what you NEED when shit hits the fan, many martial artists can attest to that. Professionals in the industry are often very good at convincing people of what they need to know, but you need to ask yourself how it can be that a man or woman who knows nothing about you, can know what is best for you… How can a male or a teacher male OR female half your age, who has never seen violence as you may one day, know how to prepare you for some of the horrors of this planet...

I realize that I am raising more questions than I am answering them at this point, and that is EXACTLY what I want! As an educator, I share my experience like a mother would to her own children. I am not better than other self defence instructors, I just have a unique point of view and consequently a very unique set of skills. 

I'm not sure WHEN protection, first aid and survival became an option in our educational system, but I sure am questioning WHY. It's obvious to me that I cannot depend on the government to prepare my kid for life. This is my job as a matriarch. And I'm not just talking about my biological kids. I am talking about my community.

Dave reminds me of this fact. People like Dave are the reason why I came to be the parent I am. I got really clear on what I have to do in order to make sure my son gets the best chances at surviving on this planet, I take personal responsibility for it. My child matters, and it's THE MOST important job I will ever have. I also make sure he is not a danger to others.

What people WANT to learn and what they NEED may not match, one needs to ask themselves some hard questions about LIFE, conflict, violence and how to deal with it before claiming to know it all. This is why I love Rory Miller so much, he's done his homework. The sheer existence of his book Meditations on violence has given me enough faith in him to want to learn more from him. 

Coming back to what I need in order to do security, well, I thought I knew what I needed to be a doorwoman when I first started.

 I was wrong. 

How do I know? 

HUMILITY,

EXPERIENCE, 

RETROSPECTIVE 

and 

OPEN MINDEDNESS.

It's like giving birth, you don't KNOW until you go through it, and you still don't know it all once you've gone through it…

Let go of your assumptions, question your beliefs, ESPECIALLY if you are a teacher.

BE SAFE!

J Kaikan Boyd

HEALING

The following video is a powerful story in the life of one couple, and the people who interact with them. 

 My intention in sharing with you, is first and foremost to create awareness, but also to share my own experience as a participant in such a relationship, as a witness to others who have been in one, and as a counsellor. I encourage you to watch and listen, to suspend your opinion about everything and everyone in this story. 

Then lets go from here…

In my counselling training, we were encouraged to watch videos like the one above, and discuss how we would approach each individual if they were to come through our door. We also role played being the therapist with our co-students, taking turns being clients and being counsellor. We got evaluated by the instructors and received feedback. Everyone else in the room watching gave feedback if they wanted. We were encouraged to be vulnerable, but not pushed beyond our boundaries. We were not even obliged to tell a true story, but I just dove in, like I usually do with everything. A consequence of such vulnerability is often to cause some stress, but in the end, I thought it was quite worth it for many reasons…

What I learned during my training with The Counsellor Training Institute was powerful in many ways, it went miles beyond traditional training and book theory. It was the most efficient practice to get beyond being a victims of abuse for me at the time, and it opened me up to other human beings in a way I never had before. As I embodied each role in the story during our training, I spent time getting in touch with that reality in my own mind. I was personally invested in doing a good job as an actor, so it wasn't difficult to tap into my own experience and deliver a good show. I can be pretty convincing! Little did I know, it was going to be the beginning of a huge transformation in my body, mind and heart. Each time I made an intention to clear conflict in my own life, it seemed to set in motion a whole bunch of opportunities to open up to experiences that would consequently support that intention.

Looking back, I realize that our story about any given event is a strong component in what guides our actions, inaction or non-action. Marie and Fred's story is no exception. As bystanders, we may have strong reactions and opinions about the video. I invite you to question everything. Their story could have many endings, and you will find one of those conclusions posted on YouTube. When I saw the proposed ending, I felt sick to my stomach.

It may not be for the reason you think. 

Many people have a limited view of what abuse is like, and are quick to make judgments about how other people should behave at any given time. What I'm interested in these days, is to investigate what is necessary for people to heal and be happy. What support do they need, and how I may be of service. I am open to explore all avenues and interact with anyone who wish to gain more freedom in their lives, regardless of their experience and history. In the end, everyone is unique and yet holds very common feelings. Whatever role we are playing in the story is not all that important to me now, and surely does not influence my willingness to support your journey to personal freedom.

Speaking of which, we rarely hear the stories of men as victims of abuse, I know many. I am aware that not addressing it has specific consequences, and I do my part in finding balance in everything. It is my hope that men who need support find their voice, and have the courage to trust the process of being vulnerable. Too often, we are stopped in our tracks by judgment, ours or other's, and we use that as an excuse for our behaviour. My experience, is that we can hold a story to justify pretty much anything, and once we have reached a place of extreme struggle and suffering, something will give.

I hope it isn't your life…

I have seen how challenging it is for us to accept reality from every angle. I have been on many sides of this experience. What I would like to shed light on, is that in my own mind, I believe that the answers to healing are within, and that with faith and support, anything is possible. What is hard is when we loose faith and we are confused, when we do not believe we have what it takes to bring about change.

 And what is faith exactly?

STOP BLAMING FEMINISM!

Here is Wikepedia's definition of feminism: "A collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment."

Now, if you don't know what a feminist really looks and sounds like, and you think that because a woman speaks up she is a feminist, think again. She may be a woman, but she is not necessarily awake. The fact that you speak ill of her, or men who sympathize with her, only shows that the real problem is within you.

I am speaking to the recent conversations on the internet following Miss Nevada's suggestion that women take up self defence training. What she said has been interpreted in many ways, but mostly points to the crowd of women who believe men should simply be educated not to rape in the first place. I am specifically addressing the fact that many people, mostly men say things like: "I hate when feminists say…" "Feminists are annoying." and "Typical feminist remark!" The fact is that we are often at war with one another, and feminism is not the issue here!                                                  

I would like to point out, that a person claiming to be part a movement, or presenting themselves in speech as if they may be part of this said movement and know what the hell they are talking about, does not necessarily mean they participate in its foundational practices, not do they accurately represent and speak for all others, let alone the leaders. This is true for instance with martial artists. We all know people who can talk smack, and we all know we pass judgements on each other. So maybe the mature thing to so here, is to smile and keep walking. It is absolutely fascinating to me to hear grown ups, some of them highly intelligent, blame one another and participate in huge debates online. I have to admit that one skill I have yet to see being genuinely practiced among adults, let alone by many martial artist, is true humility.

Any person who sounds naive, ignorant and/or stupid when it comes to the reality of our existence, is not a feminist. The fact that we bother listening to confused people, give power to their arguments, engage and reply may simply indicate that we are possibly INSANE… It is a complete waste of our time and energy, demonstrating our willingness to be at war with one another. Better put our attention to people who GET IT and lead by example.

Lets take personal responsibility for our own life shall we? Lets mind our own business and really get to know the difference! We can be of better service by creating a healthy community, exercising our right of freedom and critical thinking, educating ourselves and others on the ways of peaceful living instead of pointing out the ignorance of humanity by pointing fingers. We can be leaders in this movement by reflecting on how WE contribute to separation in our own mind instead of being mindful. I don't always agree with what other people say, but arguing with you and being angry won't solve anything either. I listen, I think, I ask questions, I respond, I reflect, I process and I grow.

I am very clear with others, children and adults, about my experience. I hope it can be of help if needed, and I am not attached to how you lead your life. I am responsible for my own. Most importantly, I have a specific spiritual practice, one of respect and forgiveness. I accept reality as it is, and I do everything in my power to remain peaceful and awake so I don't freak out on people I think are stupid. Because I know that as long as I see them, it's because I am being stupid too.

Online Self Defence for Women...

  It's not flashy, it sounds basic and actually, it may not be all that interesting for many of us to watch! It's certainly not SIMPLE information.

This is the kind of stuff my husband loves to teach. Thankfully, he has a captivating way to explain things, and I am a big fan of his teaching method. My biggest criticism however is:

IS THIS REALLY ABOUT BASIC SELF DEFENCE?

Being educated consumers is wise, but wisdom often comes with experience, which many online teachers claim to have PLENTY of…

Most of us won't commit to a lifetime practice. I personally think it should be about AVOIDING conflict. The scenarios may change, but what inspired me to seek instruction is pretty simple, I wanted to avoid getting hurt.

 Learning how to manage conflict and avoiding violence is a big topic, and one most women would rather do without pain.

So how do we know what is helpful?

 In browsing for education, we should keep an open mind and use critical thinking. You should be able to ask questions, safely put it in practice with someone EXPERIENCED, reliable and with INTEGRITY.
Follow your instinct.

YOUR COMPASS IS YOUR GUT!

❃ WHAT I DO LIKE about the above video, is the demonstration that being fit and thin are not pre requisites in learning effective self defence. 

You can start learning today, no matter what your fitness level and age may be.

There is huge benefit in being fit in self defence, but we also need to be aware of the effects of fear. Knowing the fundamentals in self defence mechanics are wonderful, but that alone will not save your life! What many instructors fail to do, especially online, is to share crucial information on prevention, awareness and de-escalation.

 ❃ WHAT I DON'T LIKE about this video, is how unsafe it looks! 

I have seen many injuries resulting from this kind of training with inexperience folks. It takes VERY LITTLE to cause injury. We need to be mindful and care for everyone's welfare when training…

 It can take years to recover from injury due to negligence.

When it comes to training, you will find people with different philosophies in the self defence industry, and like with any other products and services, it can be challenging when it comes time to make a decision, especially if money is involved…

Remember, TECHNIQUE IS NOT EVERYTHING!

You may not be aware about it, but philosophy is often discussed AT LENGTH between experts and self defence instructors. It's a passion for us. If a person thinks they know it all, RUN!
Many people are quite focused on practical knowledge and spending time on the matts, but others are addressing the problem from a different angle and also creating awareness by speaking and writing.

 Conversations often deal with effectiveness, execution. and how to teach. Lately,  a lot is being discussed about how to tackle the VICTIM BLAMING argument. For many men who are committed in creating SAFETY on the planet, being attacked verbally and being bombarded with comments that seem irrational is quite alarming. Most people I know who teach self defence around the world, are amazingly caring and generous individuals.

 That is why I think it's a good idea to be SMART in shopping for Self Defence online.

We are offered to buy into a system we may or may know nothing about. Lets remember that salesmanship is also an art, and that many online classes are questionable and a way to hook you into getting to buy their products. It's a highly competitive industry.That being said, there is much to be said about honesty and having a common goal in creating a SAFER world.

 ❃ A great teacher will tell you to try it, and find out for yourself.

❃ A humble teacher will not claim his or her system is THE BEST and only way to survive.

❃ A responsible teacher will be clear about the SAFETY guidelines and the reality of violence for women PRIOR to jumping to techniques…


Why do we find so much online stuff that deal with physical attacks and not prevention?

THAT is an excellent question.

Here is my guess:

People are bored with prevention and avoidance. Most people want quick and effective methods to deal with an attack. Teachers would rather give you what you want than what you need. We get all excited about how to get out of a grab, but we have very little awareness on what it might look like and feel like when a person has intent to harm or kill, and even less about WHAT IT TAKES to defend against more than one attacker!

So if you want to a good idea on how to make a decision as a consumer of Self Defence for you and your loved ones, look at how much time a teacher spends on prevention. The rest is all damage control.

Once they can touch you, it's too late!

Please feel free to contact me
 with questions or comments.

Warmly,

J Kaikan Boyd

stateofminddojo@gmail.com

THE WORK

I don't think a day goes by where I don't mention or post something about Byron Katie and the tools that she has created to free her mind. I have struggled heavily most of my life. I have looked in many different directions for relief. I have reached out to many, and I have lived as best and as fully as possible based on my beliefs and values. I see this reflected in my environment as well. We all do the best we can with what we've got. One thing I find fascinating right now, is the fact that even though there are tools that work in order to illiminate suffering, we often choose to bathe in our woes.

I call it THE ONE MAN/WOMAN PITY PARTY.

I discovered The Work on Bowen Island a few years ago after hitting rock bottom. My mentor brought me there for some time alone and healing. At first, The Work didn't have the impact it has now on my life. I didn't understand how to apply it properly, and I had some personal issues with the facilitator.

I was also presented to another tool at the same time. It was pretty phenomenal and unblocked some pretty huge stuff, but it was very pricey like many self development tools out there. Unfortunately, I stopped having access to it and that was that. Since then, I have listened to and read many of Byron Katie's published work, and it is what I consider to be the most powerful transformational tool out there for a person like me who made the choice NOT to become a zen monk after all. I also love how it is not attached to a religion, therefore it can be used by anyone with an open mind…

The gift in all of the different fascinating experiences I have had through the years, is that I now realize why I love The Work so much; IT'S FREE, it's easy to use, and it's readily available on her website!

NO EXCUSES!

I won't go in details to describe The Work here, I will let you do that for yourself. If you are curious, eager to help yourself and find joy where you never thought it was possible, check it out!

The Work

I DARE YOU TO BE HAPPY

COMPASSION AND VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS

We often read about

 "Why women do not leave abusive relationships" 

But many of us really want to

 UNDERSTAND

 The first step for me when I do not understand, is to exercise compassion. I have lived long enough for the Universe to show me a few things, I find that less and less, I choose to judge others. I may have an opinion over their choices and behaviour, but in the end, I do not know what is best for anyone else, and sometimes even for myself. I have been a woman in violent relationships with men. It goes back to childhood. I will not go in details about my story right now, but I will share what I have found helpful when leaving.

❄

∙Compassionate and patient friends, willing to take a risk in helping me, and loving me unconditionally. That in itself does not mean enabling…

∙Seeing myself as WHOLE, not just a victim.

∙Learning martial arts and being part of a mindful community, including strong men who demonstrated what a healthy relationship looks like. 

∙An honest look at my own mind, and the space to do so. 

∙Learning new skills through counselling/training and programs such as Bridges for Women.

∙Enquiry with The Work of Byron Katie and Zen practice and other simple tools.

∙A healthy a balanced female mentor. 

∙A DREAM; something positive to live for and grow into. 

∙ACCEPTANCE that this moment is perfect, and that I did nothing wrong by loving violent men. However, understanding that I am worthy of love and respect. Knowing now that my faith pulled me through, and that even when I did not care about the concept of a higher power, I was not alone.

❄

The path to freedom and happiness can be a difficult one, and each person is unique. I am grateful for my experience now; I have become a very strong woman am now married to a very powerful and gentle loving man, but I wasn't attracted to him when I first met him in 2000. I was still very much attracted to violent men who would not hesitate to kill. The most frightening part of it all, is to finally see my own tendencies to be aggressive, and loving myself through it.  I am and always have been very strong, but my parents did not raise me to be independent. I was raised in a highly chaotic environment. I did my best to navigate through life until I recognized I needed help.

When I became a mother, I knew I wanted to make better choices, but the awareness is only the beginning. I can see where I am vulnerable, and how easily it might be to not act responsibly towards others if our mind is not in check. I am lucky to not be an addict, I known how to manage, but it takes a lot of willpower and honesty to be on this path. Most women who feel trapped do not think they have what it takes or deserve better. It is with that awareness that I have given birth to STATE OF MIND.

CLEAR LEADERSHIP

It is by far, the most inspired I have been by a book I have ever read about interpersonal relationships at work.

What I would like to share here, is that Gervase's work can be applied in all aspects of living. In my own experience, I have found this information to be true in most people who have come to me for help.

What makes me stand apart from most others, is that I am not letting fear get in the way of telling the truth of my experience to you, and I practise those principles to the best of my ability.

I encourage YOU to listen, and reflect on what he has to say.

ENJOY!

To TALK or not to talk TO STRANGERS

That is the question...

I wish to say right off the bat, that this is my personal opinion and experience as a human being, a parent and a martial arts instructor. I am not asking that you take any sides, simply that you listen and reflect. I have often been angered, shocked and plain disturbed at other people's opinions, but one thing remains, and that is when I am respected and allowed to use critical thinking, I have often found myself experiencing a shift in perception. Sometimes it's immediate, sometimes it's later. So here it goes...

I think that it's natural for children to use their intuition. They may or may not foresee a problem coming, like they do not grasp why they need to pay attention crossing the street. It may be that people simply do what is natural to them, and many children simply believe in their goodness. My spiritual
practice is to wake up, be love, connect beings as oppose to separate, to honour intuition and have compassion. I believe that we can teach our children to use their common sense and to use their mind, loving comes naturally, not fear. We can teach them not to go and pet a strange dog without asking, not to take unnecessary risks and avoid petting strange dogs, or we can teach them not to trust any dogs... There is plenty of evidence that things go wrong in getting close to animal as well as human beings, but where is the boundary where we now ask our kids to see the world from our fearful point of view?

I know that my own son is one gregarious and friendly little man. Not talking to strangers is something I cannot enforce due to his nature. He just talks to practically everyone, always has, unless he doesn't feel comfortable. He's even come back from playdates and said he wasn't interested in going back, and why. As an aside, I personally have had my share of people trespassing my personal boundaries growing up, including my parents, as a result stranger danger is not even a concept I appreciate. However, I am honest with children about my experience and do not minimize danger in general. I also speak a language they understand and invite enquiry.

Now you may be wondering if my son has ever come across adversity, or encountered a situation that may get me to re-think my position about educating him to be more cautious... The answer is yes.

What came out of those experiences, has been a gift to all. He told someone he trusted would listen non-judgementally and we got through it together. It shouldn't come as a surprise either that the people involved in the crisis were NOT strangers to him. I brought my son up to trust in his ability to overcome anything, and to understand that with living life to its fullest also comes with risks and consequences. He already has more compassion, understanding and empathy than most people I know, let alone other children.

I give my son much more freedom than what a few people in my immediate surrounding are comfortable with, and I learned one thing early as a parent, that is people always have an opinion about other people's parenting choices. We can either try and conform, or be happy. So that being said, it's not like I am immune to having opinions about other people's parenting style, but I do know this:

I don't know what is in your highest good

As a martial arts teacher and human being around many children, what I do teach besides physical self defence, is awareness, critical thinking and clear communication, boundaries, listening to intuition, along with the importance of asking for help and healthy community. I am aware of the hard fact that we all have made choices against our parents best judgement, even our own best judgement, and that this is how we learn! But the few examples that paralyze us with fear as parents may, or may not be avoided by our best intentions; that is the sad truth. I have loved the work of Byron Katie immensely on that subject, and I cannot imagine any greater pain than a having experience the loss of a child, or to be taken. That being said, it's my job to connect with my intuition, not let fear take over my life and my family's. I really love seeing the world through children's eyes. It's unfortunate to miss out on the richness of children because they have been taught to fear others. And what do we teach them if we make all their decisions for them?

     I love the idea of

     FREE RANGE KIDS

LETTING GO OF FEAR

I am bathing into the phenomena of relating.



I am once again reminded of how it feels to be affected by an angry person that frightens us and feeling vulnerable as a result. I know what to do now though and how to be, but it does not mean that I am not afraid. That is part of what I teach as a martial artist.


In many ways, fear can be a gift...


With counselling training, sitting zazen and Self Defence practice, I still feel triggered from time to time when anger is directed at me. I have the tools not to take it personally, and even to see the situation entirely differently than through my story of perceived abuse. Being, is simply that, being. Now that I know martial arts, I need to be even more present when triggered because it means using deadly force if I ever was to react. What I have observed in other practitioners, even highly experienced ones, is that sometimes they justify their actions by judging other people's behaviour. For instance, a person who acts like a "bully" had it comming... Although I understand that train of thought, and have experienced it too. I now question my beliefs and seek the truth.


I'm not saying it's easy to keep my judgement out of it, but I do my best to mind my own business; judging another is not it. Responding however, is my business. So nowadays, I don't spend too much time speculating about what I would or would not do in any given situation. I just sincerely pray it comes from a loving place.If I feel angry, I say so. But I don't expect people to behave in ways that I believe are correct in my view anymore. I know I may not have the whole picture.


Underneath anger, there is a world of fear. Knowing this provides me with compassion and patience towards myself and others, but it does not always come right away. When that is the case, I take a pause and hope to see clearly.


I recently had the great opportunity to spend time with a beautiful man from my past, an ex boyfriend I used to be terrified of. Twenty years after our separation, we met with the intention to let go of our story, share our experience and be at peace. The presence and awareness possible between us now, has brought us both to tears. I am immensely grateful for this man's courage and openness to see me again, after so many years of living in pain from the thoughts he held about having hurt me. In my world, the work was done throughout the twenty years following our breakup. I had left this relationship with as much ease as ripping my own heart out of my chest. I had promised to love him forever, taken his son as my own, and even tattoed his name on my skin...


Breaking promises is something I despise, and I don't make them anymore unless I know I can follow through.


But THIS was a matter of life and death! And it was not the first, nor the last difficult relationship I experienced, but it was probably the scariest and most significant in influencing my decision to make some steps to find inner peace.


It took much time, dedication and dilligence in order to accept the fact that I was completely able to make peace with this man on my own. Besides, I had a restraining order against him, and I was clear about the sacrifices I had to make in order to get support from my loved ones and the community. The concept of closure is one that can be falsely promoted in needing both parties to be involved. Even though it may be wonderful to experience, it is not necessary. However, it can be very difficult to maintain this clarity under stress and confusion. Love after all, is not about separation.


It is in my 40's that I have finally found some thoughts that bring me complete peace over life in it's most difficult times. Thanks to my patient teachers, I may not be enlightened, but I am deeply happy, often.


To infinity and beyond I say!


I sincerely hope for all sentient beings, that we can show the courage necessary to still our minds and put all of our "weapons" down, if only for a moment, and love ourselves and one another.

Once that door is open, it cannot be forgotten.


Gassho

LOVE AND VIOLENT MEN…

I AM OPEN TO PEACE 

I have decided to question my thoughts about men, women, violence and human nature. You can deny love all you want, kick and scream if you want, but you probably won't change my heart.

I am done being paralyzed with fear.

LIFE is much more pleasant when I don't blame others for what I make of it. I no longer waste my time thinking others are at fault if my mind is not at peace. 

Yes, I am angry at times.

I have shared much time and space with violent men; I was raised by them. 

I was raised by a violent woman as well.

And I too, can be quite a nightmare sometimes, I am accountable.

 I know how challenging it is to be happy when our existence keeps on providing us with experiences that beat us to the ground. I know that it's possible to feel gratitude instead after all , and to allow everything the space to be questioned, including our own beliefs.

The moment I observe MY OWN mind, the minute I realize I am not separate, the world changes dramatically. I take responsibility for perceiving and experiencing my own life, it is a reflection of my own mind.  

Believe me, believe me not, it's up to you. If it suits you to be a victim, be my guest.

HOWEVER 

There is power in accepting what is. What remains after my story is not going to change by having a temper tantrum. I have experienced this for myself, I am not parroting...

STOP, BREATHE and LOOK WITHIN. 

If you have the guts to sit with what you see in your own mind, congratulations.

I am not telling you to remain at the mercy of violent men. 
I am telling you that power resides in you!

I know how difficult it is to deal with some people, men and women. I have rebelled and fought back often. I have decided to claim my space on this planet and to be happy, but fighting is exhausting. We also need to rest.

 I am very clear now that a solution lives within ME.

If you come to share stories of abuse, your pain and suffering, know that I will hold space for it all.

That being said

I LOVE men, and everything about them, so don't expect me to be on your team if you plan to go to war against them.

There are beautiful men and women in this world who are deeply caring and supportive as well as people who are suffering. They have taught me integrity patience, tolerance, compassion, resilience and self respect.

I am on THEIR team…

I feel deep joy sharing time and space with people who are loving and responsible, and the seed of hatred has been replaced by overflowing love towards my world and everyone in it as a result.

Somedays are more difficult than others, 

it's a daily practice, and it is WORTH IT!