PUT IT DOWN!

It's fascinating to observe people when you do security…

And by fascinating, I mean ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

A lot of accidents and injuries could be prevented from simply paying attention to our environment.  The unfortunate thing is that our common sense seems to go right out the window with those bloody things in our possession. It takes a lot of willpower to use electronics intelligently and moderately.

What I would like to address, is the use of cellphones in liquor establishments. Please please PLEASE! Can you look where you are walking? It's not only for your safety. If you haven't noticed, there are people walking around with hot food and beverages all over the place, and they are working very diligently to remain patient and professional in the face of much ignorance. We're a little luckier in security since we don't carry trays filled with beverages and food, but we are attempting to keep order while many of you are obliviously glued to your screen and completely oblivious to what's going on around you, including conflict!

I saw a little boy with his family the other day, no more than 4 years of age, he walked out of my pub ahead of his parents after they had a late dinner, not looking AT ALL where he was going. I stood in front of him until he bumped into me and we had a chat… He obviously had no idea that at any moment, he could have been stampeded by grownups who are unaware of little people at this time of the day. Lets not focus on parenting here, but hey, that's a good place to start, right?

A phone is a tool, not a limb, so please understand that it can be a real nuisance for people who are working and attempting to serve YOU, if you appear to not be present. Yes, many employees are guilty of that as well, but not where I work. Besides, pointing fingers at others who are joining you in the unawareness club is not going to help the fact that you, yes YOU, need to WAKE UP!

Thank you kindly,
PHOENIX

FORGIVENESS AND REDEMPTION

I met THOR in the military. THOR is not his real name of course. I remember him saying that he didn't like trimming his eyebrows as it might affect his strength, I laughed. THOR was as handsome as they get in my books. He was strong and muscular, he had a beautiful tan and soft blonde hair. I always said he was a mix between Robert Redford and Hulk Hogan. He sat across from me at the table where we ate lunch that day, feet on a chair and chewing gum. We were all waiting to be released from the forces for one reason or another. He and I were both navy. He had served for quite a while, I was just shy of twelve agonizing months in. I was much younger than him. In retrospective, from his tone, his demeanour and his reputation, I should have known better than to fall for him.

I was smitten, instantly…

THOR uttered a highly sarcastic remark asking why I was getting out of the military, implying that I had gotten pregnant by an innocent sailor and had alterior motives. I later found out where the bitterness came from on that topic.  He was awaiting knee surgery and getting out from what he considered hell. He was angry, rebellious and pushing the boundaries of the Canadian Forces simply by having longer hair and being high all day. I on the other hand, was pretty obedient at the time. It's only much later that I started being more assertive, but I still don't rebel against authority for the sake of it. I was getting out because I had been raped by a guy in my platoon, and because I could no longer deal the lack of integrity of most people in charge. I found a loophole in order to break my three year contract, left and never looked back.

I left a tribe of assholes and ran away with their king...

THOR told stories from a very different point of view. I can see how I contributed to the problem by moving in with him, and staying. As much as I comprehend that many women are also violent  in such relationships, I think it often comes into play when we are unwilling to leave, shit might escalate from time to time. He would tell you now that I did nothing to deserve the words he shouted, the physical violence and the unjust treatment. I agree, and there are days where I defended myself, and that meant I reacted in self defence and sometimes frustration. Somedays I spoke back, argued. I once grabbed his testicles to get out of a choke hold, and mostly I cried A LOT. I did my best not to anger him, and he got angry REALLY easily, and often. It had nothing to do with me.

Nonetheless, he was much stronger than I, and I'm the one who got hurt. He used steroids and many other drugs on a daily basis, I didn't. Her now takes responsibility and admits being a violent man at the time. Apparently he seriously questioned his behaviour for years after I left. Somehow, he came to see me as an innocent victim of his rage and was hoping to make amends. It was amazingly refreshing to hear him speak. Before that, I always questioned his sanity and perception. I felt quite sorry for him and thought it was my divine mission to love him into kindness. (I just realized that my son said the same thing about a boy in elementary school, who bullied him and others.)

After listening to THOR's sad stories of previous relationships, I made a promise to never abandon him, ever. I even agreed to get a tattoo that said "property of ..." on my wrist. You probably see how naive I was, and possibly even think I was stupid. It's nothing compared to what I thought of myself when I finally left him!

The day came when that promise became impossible to keep. It was either staying or dying. I never really grasped how to establish boundaries with him, but when it came to my loved ones, I was clear and unwilling to listen to his unfounded negative criticism and insults. Actually, I left on the day he called my best friend a whore.

That day was his birthday.

I knew it would hurt.

I no longer cared.

The following days, weeks, months, years were possibly the hardest times of my life. Looking back, I'm surprised I made it. Before that, I simply fell blindly from one bad thing to another, but after THOR, I had to get help. Anger was my best friend, and I felt justified. Of course it got me in trouble, but somehow I managed to stay out of jail. My mental health was in serious jeopardy, and very few people seemed alarmed by my behaviour. They should have!

I did my best to keep a job, to sleep at night and to survive. I barely ate. I had a restraining order against THOR, little good that really served me. He was determined to make my life miserable. Nothing like a stalker to realize you need self defence training, and yet it never was offered and it never crossed my mind to save my ass! It took a lot before I finally put my foot down and said something sarcastic that got him off my back permanently. He had called my work once too many times making threats, and I'd gotten fired because my boss was done seeing me get upset. I was terminated without warning.

Twenty years later, I bumped into THOR at a martial arts tournament. It was nothing less then absolutely shocking to be standing in front of him again. I had no warning, no premonitions, no friend saying: "I just saw your ex, he's in the house!". I stood in front of him, not knowing who he was at first, until it was too late for me to walk away. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was almost a black belt in Kenpo, that my sensei, husband and a thousand of my kickass friends were around, I don't know, but I had a huge epiphany. I was not afraid of being struck or killed in that moment. As I listened to his words, I realized how much I had changed, and grown.

I was way beyond wanting revenge.

Some time past, and we kept in touch. I welcomed Facebook communication. It proved to be very healing in fact. We communicated in writing for a while, and I eventually offered to meet in person. He made it clear that he needed to share some difficult things with me, and that he felt guilty and was suffering. I thought he was ill and dying it sounded so bad! I knew my intuition was reliable, and the thought of being alone with him in person did not scare me. That in itself was a huge testament to my training I thought. I felt clam, strong and filled with LOVE.

The meeting took place by the ocean on Dallas road, and it was nothing short of a miracle in my experience. I told him I was dedicating my black belt test to him, and that without him I would not be as effective as a teacher. I knew first hand about violence in relationships, and I knew how I had gotten out of it alive and whole. I knew how difficult it was to love a man who is in pain and cannot help but being violent. I knew how difficult it is to leave and trust that whatever happened next, was out of my hands. I knew what it was like to be afraid for my life and to love at the same time. I also knew that he probably did not find it easy to believe he had been the bad guy in this story, but that I was grateful he had the humility and courage to ask for forgiveness for his own sake. I also told him he had been forgiven a long time ago and that it was not my place to judge him. Saying that I held no resentment towards him or our time together was a bit much for him to take in. It was a powerful reunion for both of us. He cried A LOT, and I felt nothing, just emptiness, the good kind of nothing.

Space, or openness might be better words than NOTHING. I just remember smiling and breathing, like a mother listening to a child in pain. I knew this experience was special and unique. I knew I was the lucky one. In that instant, I realized how priviledged we were to have a resolution in the same lifetime. Balance was restored, sweet justice had been served, not from him suffering, but from him having a true shot at being happy and finally accepting love to enter his heart/mind. All the work I had done alone, the scarifies, the numerous nights talking to my mentor and crying from a sense of separation and despair. All that became perfect in that instant. What became obvious is that all my life was perfect and that from now on, I could just trust the process. Interestingly enough, I have many other stories like this one. All it took was having faith. I'm not asking you to be a believer, but it certainly has made my own life more pleasant and manageable. I have renewed trust in the concept that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE…

TOUGH ENOUGH

What you need to know to protect yourself

I'm not going to provide you with a list here. I'm not going to tell you what the basics are in my books. There are too many lists out there already. Who knows what the perfect list is?

Working security, I often have women come to me showing their muscles and say they could easily do my job because they're really tough.  Interestingly enough, more women challenge me than men. Most guys respect that if I'm security, I might know a thing or two on how to deal with violence. 

Self defence is very much like that. We all have a personal viewpoint, and we all have unique experiences that form our perception of violence and what it takes to deal with it. Being alive is a sure sign that I have survived this planet and what it throws at me, but is it what YOU need to survive?

How do we know what it takes, when, how and where to use it?

First of all, I think it requires ACCEPTANCE.

As an educator, I have come to believe that all I can share with you really, is my experience. I am a mother, a friend, a daughter, a wife, a human being with observations and skills that I have acquired through experiencing LIFE. I can speak to you as an expert, telling you what is best for you, or I can simply share what's in my toolkit and hope it might one day serve you.

Does that make sense?

I don't think one person is naturally better at self protection than another, I simply realized that some people are more interested in the topic than others and are AWAKE to REALITY. I look at results. Everyone for better or worse, is a teacher. That's how I see you, as my teacher. Criminals are my teacher too. If you are closed minded about what I have to teach, I am not a good teacher for you. Does it matter how "good" or effective I am? Does it matter if I am a male or a female? The most effective people in my opinion, are the people who don't take shit for granted and are aware of the fact that we are never safe on this amazing planet called Earth. 

You might want to check out my article on what it takes to be my instructor nowadays...

I was just chatting with my friend Dave in the U.S.; he's a veteran, he's one of the toughest sons of bitches I know. With enough combat experience to put me to shame, he makes me sound like a princess. Dave is at war with himself and his country. Dave is not in a great space, he's fighting the biggest fight of his life, Dave has P.T.S.D. and is suicidal. He has fought for his country, he is intelligent and resourceful, he has learned more about violence than most people will ever know. Dave reminds me on a daily basis that being tough is important, but it may not be enough to live and be happy on this planet! At best, he merely EXISTS.

You can walk around with keys between your fingers all day and survive, but that may not be why you are still alive. 

So what does it take? What is the right and perfect tool kit? What is THE perfect self defence training?

What helps for you to FEEL strong, safe and confident may not be what you NEED when shit hits the fan, many martial artists can attest to that. Professionals in the industry are often very good at convincing people of what they need to know, but you need to ask yourself how it can be that a man or woman who knows nothing about you, can know what is best for you… How can a male or a teacher male OR female half your age, who has never seen violence as you may one day, know how to prepare you for some of the horrors of this planet...

I realize that I am raising more questions than I am answering them at this point, and that is EXACTLY what I want! As an educator, I share my experience like a mother would to her own children. I am not better than other self defence instructors, I just have a unique point of view and consequently a very unique set of skills. 

I'm not sure WHEN protection, first aid and survival became an option in our educational system, but I sure am questioning WHY. It's obvious to me that I cannot depend on the government to prepare my kid for life. This is my job as a matriarch. And I'm not just talking about my biological kids. I am talking about my community.

Dave reminds me of this fact. People like Dave are the reason why I came to be the parent I am. I got really clear on what I have to do in order to make sure my son gets the best chances at surviving on this planet, I take personal responsibility for it. My child matters, and it's THE MOST important job I will ever have. I also make sure he is not a danger to others.

What people WANT to learn and what they NEED may not match, one needs to ask themselves some hard questions about LIFE, conflict, violence and how to deal with it before claiming to know it all. This is why I love Rory Miller so much, he's done his homework. The sheer existence of his book Meditations on violence has given me enough faith in him to want to learn more from him. 

Coming back to what I need in order to do security, well, I thought I knew what I needed to be a doorwoman when I first started.

 I was wrong. 

How do I know? 

HUMILITY,

EXPERIENCE, 

RETROSPECTIVE 

and 

OPEN MINDEDNESS.

It's like giving birth, you don't KNOW until you go through it, and you still don't know it all once you've gone through it…

Let go of your assumptions, question your beliefs, ESPECIALLY if you are a teacher.

BE SAFE!

J Kaikan Boyd

STOP BLAMING FEMINISM!

Here is Wikepedia's definition of feminism: "A collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment."

Now, if you don't know what a feminist really looks and sounds like, and you think that because a woman speaks up she is a feminist, think again. She may be a woman, but she is not necessarily awake. The fact that you speak ill of her, or men who sympathize with her, only shows that the real problem is within you.

I am speaking to the recent conversations on the internet following Miss Nevada's suggestion that women take up self defence training. What she said has been interpreted in many ways, but mostly points to the crowd of women who believe men should simply be educated not to rape in the first place. I am specifically addressing the fact that many people, mostly men say things like: "I hate when feminists say…" "Feminists are annoying." and "Typical feminist remark!" The fact is that we are often at war with one another, and feminism is not the issue here!                                                  

I would like to point out, that a person claiming to be part a movement, or presenting themselves in speech as if they may be part of this said movement and know what the hell they are talking about, does not necessarily mean they participate in its foundational practices, not do they accurately represent and speak for all others, let alone the leaders. This is true for instance with martial artists. We all know people who can talk smack, and we all know we pass judgements on each other. So maybe the mature thing to so here, is to smile and keep walking. It is absolutely fascinating to me to hear grown ups, some of them highly intelligent, blame one another and participate in huge debates online. I have to admit that one skill I have yet to see being genuinely practiced among adults, let alone by many martial artist, is true humility.

Any person who sounds naive, ignorant and/or stupid when it comes to the reality of our existence, is not a feminist. The fact that we bother listening to confused people, give power to their arguments, engage and reply may simply indicate that we are possibly INSANE… It is a complete waste of our time and energy, demonstrating our willingness to be at war with one another. Better put our attention to people who GET IT and lead by example.

Lets take personal responsibility for our own life shall we? Lets mind our own business and really get to know the difference! We can be of better service by creating a healthy community, exercising our right of freedom and critical thinking, educating ourselves and others on the ways of peaceful living instead of pointing out the ignorance of humanity by pointing fingers. We can be leaders in this movement by reflecting on how WE contribute to separation in our own mind instead of being mindful. I don't always agree with what other people say, but arguing with you and being angry won't solve anything either. I listen, I think, I ask questions, I respond, I reflect, I process and I grow.

I am very clear with others, children and adults, about my experience. I hope it can be of help if needed, and I am not attached to how you lead your life. I am responsible for my own. Most importantly, I have a specific spiritual practice, one of respect and forgiveness. I accept reality as it is, and I do everything in my power to remain peaceful and awake so I don't freak out on people I think are stupid. Because I know that as long as I see them, it's because I am being stupid too.

Online Self Defence for Women...

  It's not flashy, it sounds basic and actually, it may not be all that interesting for many of us to watch! It's certainly not SIMPLE information.

This is the kind of stuff my husband loves to teach. Thankfully, he has a captivating way to explain things, and I am a big fan of his teaching method. My biggest criticism however is:

IS THIS REALLY ABOUT BASIC SELF DEFENCE?

Being educated consumers is wise, but wisdom often comes with experience, which many online teachers claim to have PLENTY of…

Most of us won't commit to a lifetime practice. I personally think it should be about AVOIDING conflict. The scenarios may change, but what inspired me to seek instruction is pretty simple, I wanted to avoid getting hurt.

 Learning how to manage conflict and avoiding violence is a big topic, and one most women would rather do without pain.

So how do we know what is helpful?

 In browsing for education, we should keep an open mind and use critical thinking. You should be able to ask questions, safely put it in practice with someone EXPERIENCED, reliable and with INTEGRITY.
Follow your instinct.

YOUR COMPASS IS YOUR GUT!

❃ WHAT I DO LIKE about the above video, is the demonstration that being fit and thin are not pre requisites in learning effective self defence. 

You can start learning today, no matter what your fitness level and age may be.

There is huge benefit in being fit in self defence, but we also need to be aware of the effects of fear. Knowing the fundamentals in self defence mechanics are wonderful, but that alone will not save your life! What many instructors fail to do, especially online, is to share crucial information on prevention, awareness and de-escalation.

 ❃ WHAT I DON'T LIKE about this video, is how unsafe it looks! 

I have seen many injuries resulting from this kind of training with inexperience folks. It takes VERY LITTLE to cause injury. We need to be mindful and care for everyone's welfare when training…

 It can take years to recover from injury due to negligence.

When it comes to training, you will find people with different philosophies in the self defence industry, and like with any other products and services, it can be challenging when it comes time to make a decision, especially if money is involved…

Remember, TECHNIQUE IS NOT EVERYTHING!

You may not be aware about it, but philosophy is often discussed AT LENGTH between experts and self defence instructors. It's a passion for us. If a person thinks they know it all, RUN!
Many people are quite focused on practical knowledge and spending time on the matts, but others are addressing the problem from a different angle and also creating awareness by speaking and writing.

 Conversations often deal with effectiveness, execution. and how to teach. Lately,  a lot is being discussed about how to tackle the VICTIM BLAMING argument. For many men who are committed in creating SAFETY on the planet, being attacked verbally and being bombarded with comments that seem irrational is quite alarming. Most people I know who teach self defence around the world, are amazingly caring and generous individuals.

 That is why I think it's a good idea to be SMART in shopping for Self Defence online.

We are offered to buy into a system we may or may know nothing about. Lets remember that salesmanship is also an art, and that many online classes are questionable and a way to hook you into getting to buy their products. It's a highly competitive industry.That being said, there is much to be said about honesty and having a common goal in creating a SAFER world.

 ❃ A great teacher will tell you to try it, and find out for yourself.

❃ A humble teacher will not claim his or her system is THE BEST and only way to survive.

❃ A responsible teacher will be clear about the SAFETY guidelines and the reality of violence for women PRIOR to jumping to techniques…


Why do we find so much online stuff that deal with physical attacks and not prevention?

THAT is an excellent question.

Here is my guess:

People are bored with prevention and avoidance. Most people want quick and effective methods to deal with an attack. Teachers would rather give you what you want than what you need. We get all excited about how to get out of a grab, but we have very little awareness on what it might look like and feel like when a person has intent to harm or kill, and even less about WHAT IT TAKES to defend against more than one attacker!

So if you want to a good idea on how to make a decision as a consumer of Self Defence for you and your loved ones, look at how much time a teacher spends on prevention. The rest is all damage control.

Once they can touch you, it's too late!

Please feel free to contact me
 with questions or comments.

Warmly,

J Kaikan Boyd

stateofminddojo@gmail.com

RAISING A WHOLE CHILD

Looking back over my own experience with schools of all sorts, I have been deeply reflecting over my role as a mother, teacher and human being. As many of you may know, it's one thing to carry an ideal and values about raising kids, but once those little people are your full responsibility, something changes, sometimes drastically. People are full of opinions on how we should raise our children, and in the end, I think our main job is to love them. The first thing I did when finding I was going to become a mother, was to pay close attention to my own being and snap out of denial. I made some fascinating discoveries after choosing to be honest and keep my eyes open; that led me to zen practice and martial arts.

Since then, I have met some fascinating people, men and women with huge hearts. Now, I understand and accept tradition and what zen and martial arts were intended for. I have experienced the methods some instructors use to teach, and I know they are based on proven facts about training. However, I have a very critical mind, and certainly am not a doormat. I ask questions, lots of questions! Sometimes, that is considered disrespectful in traditional settings.

Essentially, inquiry is healthy. We are a generation where violence is examined closely and criticized by many, but still exists. We deny our children from expressing anger or violence to the point of forbidding toy weapons without true understanding and foresight, or even acknowledging how we have participated in creating the whole problem of violence in the first place, at some level anyway! There have been many discussions on that topic, and it is still going. My goal is not to condemn violence, but to present the subject of martial arts training/self defence, non-violence and mindfulness in a way that leaves you open to what is possible when your mind is free of judgement, and when we are willing to experience the whole being that we are. The fact is that violence is part of our living experience, and if we are honest, it is sometimes present within us as well.

It's easy to tell children to be nice. Personally, I'm a pretty rebellious person, and being "nice" is not my thing…

Not only that, but it's not effective training, and it dismisses a whole world of emotions and natural consequences. I usually come across as a troublemaker because I'm bold, aggressive in nature, I rarely sit still and I have a wicked sense of humour, but in the end, I'm pretty obedient to what I consider truthful. That being said, I have observed that rebellion may be based on a couple of things among many, disrespect or conviction. What I had to hone was to trust people. After being in highly dysfunctional situations early in life, authority and adults in general were not my friends.

I love kids regardless of what they think about me, they are raw, and mostly honest, if not in words, in actions. My experience always informs my relationships. In the past, I wasn't as afraid of the consequences with parents as I am now, and I shared my time with kids very differently. I was straightforward and honest. I did what I thought was right and what created results. My leadership style was CONTROL and COMMAND. I used my judgement, but took more risks. I mostly lived in the moment. I certainly did not fear danger as I do now. Becoming a parent triggered a few things, some cool, some not so cool. I realized I experienced more fear! I became more vulnerable. It brought me closer to understanding what loss entails, and how it might affect everyone if someone gets hurt, let alone dies. But it also led me to meditate and get to the bottom of those issues. I started to inquire more about my style of leadership, understanding that FEAR was very present in my mind…

In fact, I was so freaked out for a while I wanted to become a zen monk.

I wanted to dedicate my life to introspection and not waste anymore time on Earth. I wanted to be the perfect parent. I was deeply traumatized by my own family experience, and I wanted to be at peace. Somehow, the Universe had a different plan for me than becoming a HERMIT. My path took a funny turn, and brought my son to martial arts practice where he wanted to learn to fight. I met some wonderful teachers who guided me after my son quit training. He found out he wasn't a fighter after all, and I discovered I was!

When done in a zen context, teaching martial arts to children is not about telling them no to talk to strangers to avoid being kidnapped; it's not about blind obedience, telling them what is good and bad, nor is it about being the top dog and "kicking ass"! So maybe we should do a little research before giving our children away when it has to do with such important matters as life and death.

It's mostly about modelling responsibility, mentoring, giving direct feedback in a very kinaesthetic way as oppose to theory and ideas, demonstrating healthy boundaries setting, how our actions affect the whole, and being mindful of the consequences while co-creating healthy community. It calls us to grow and if done properly, it's a beautiful practice where we can extend our creative potential.

I have been a witness to martial arts instruction for a while now, and defence techniques are often the first thing kids will learn, more so then critical thinking, emotional intelligence, mood management, verbal judo or other non-violent communication tools, safety measures, sensitivity, environmental and circumstantial awareness, defence and de-escalation strategies, the law and natural consequences. We seem to think our kids are too stupid to introduce these ideas, but we'll teach them how to rip testicles, choke people out and blind others?

Why? 

Often because children want to do what the guys do in the movies. It leads them to think they should be tough to survive and that fighting is cool. It might even make you popular! The biggest problem is not even the film industry, but that parents and teachers will give them what they want. And now it's all over the internet… You think kids stop and read the caution disclaimer? Hell it's generally one of many men's favourite activities and encourage their offsprings to watch or participate… Generally, women do not encourage what they consider violent sports or movies, as they don't know how to make sense of violence and aggression since they are not aware of their own. They can't see the difference between self defence and fighting sports because they refuse to train themselves, and because our heroes grossly misrepresents the arts. There is judgment and blame of society, genders, government etc, and unwillingness to take personal responsibility.

Often parents want their children to exercise, acquire self discipline, self confidence and everything else martial arts schools promise, so the spiritual side of practice is set aside, very much like what happened with yoga practice in the West. As business owners, we hope to make money, and teachers don't want to bore the hell out of the kids or get in confrontations about philosophy. Most haven't spent much time meditating on the issue to begin with. Traditionally speaking that is not a concern, it's actually the foundation of practice.

I invite you to put those fears to rest by challenging your thoughts, and really connecting with what is in our children's highest good here. We can nurture our children and share life skills without sacrificing our basic values. In the end we all suffer the consequences when our children are not considered as whole beings, or when money and EGO take precedent over young adults who find themselves in prison for assault and manslaughter because violence is so widely practiced without guidance and spiritual container.

Zen is not about religion, it's about mindfulness. I am not promoting Zen Buddhism, even though it is the basis of my own practice. I also know of many other practices that serve as excellent guidelines for people to explore their mind.

How does it help me to teach?

What we need to understand is that we are forming habits during training, for better or worse. Under stress, it's unlikely that we will use discernment and take time to think. Zen and martial arts is focused on being aware of our nature as human beings, and to reduce stress, not on being a fighting machine. It trains us not to let our thoughts get in the way of our actions, to be present to reality and respond accordingly. We are mindful and responsible during training so that we can act accordingly in a real situation. At the same time, we cannot expect ourselves to necessarily do what we would like to do as a defence simply because we have learned a few techniques over a weekend seminar. Survival instincts may be strong, but will not guaranty a safe escape. Stress is an interesting phenomenon. Even with massive training, it is advisable to remain humble and expect nothing. I have found a gift in being part of a supportive community. As my sensei says: "PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE." This applies with sensitivity, breathing and awareness.

We are responsible! We are suppressing our inquisitive minds with activity and addiction, we let EGO direct our choices and forget about consequences. Our children are watching us, and we have the ability to be excellent role models. But first, we should start to even know what ego IS! And instead of rectifying the problem, we keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

When I question my own mind, pay attention to my breath, practice patience and remain still long enough to allow clarity, I can find my truth and be happy. I have spent many days simply revisiting concepts and beliefs about myself and others, the world and leadership. Observing children and connecting with their heart/mind is much more effective and nurturing than filling them with information to program them according to our vision of reality. I am perfectly clear and honest with parents about my vision, and I invite feedback and participation. I make sure that I surround myself with people I trust and are open minded, who are loving and just. In the case of educating children, I find that humility and respect is more important than technical knowledge. Experts rarely impress me if they lack the essential qualities to inspire others.

My leadership style now id ASK and INSPIRE. I communicate my expectations with children and we have clear and respectful communication. I am also constantly checking in, practicing patience and reflecting on what I believe to be in everyone's highest good. I ask for help often, and when a challenge arises, I ask for feedback, and not only from people who agree with me! I am not afraid of competition or loosing students to another teacher. I'm also not afraid of men, and I value their honest opinion. For instance, I don't carry, but I know people who do… I mindfully expose my kids to practically everything in small dosage, and encourage open communication. I prefer a healthy community based on collaboration and respect, and where people learn easily and from compatible teachers. I believe that we are resilient and caring, therefore I am at peace with what is. I trust the process.

I love being with children because they are my teachers. When we listen closely, these little people have big hearts and wonderful minds that are only asking to love and soar, and THAT is what I hope to achieve. My job is to provide them with choices and encourage personal freedom.  I have learned that respect, for myself and others, has led me to inner peace. What I practice is honouring my own Being, my inner guidance, and with that I know what to do, I listen and do the right thing for me and consequently for the world. Sometimes it appears rebellious, but it comes from a different place than REACTION.

So that is what I teach, along with the techniques; I FOCUS ON THE WHOLE BEING.

Most teachers know very little of teaching, they simply regurgitate what they have learned themselves. They are afraid of children taking over the room and challenging them. The concept of critical thinking can be a problem for some educators and parents, because children will start questioning everything! Since when is that a PROBLEM?
We are confused…
SCARED!

We want control and with it comes leadership issues, power, violence. I have seen teachers who demand blind obedience, and some of them are even abusive about it. The sad thing is that many families believe that this is what martial arts are about, and they want their children to walk in line, learn discipline, not talk back; therefore it sounds like a great idea! I can understand that. I am a parent. But what I want is a happy and self sufficient resilient child with emotional intelligence. I want him or her to feel safe to ask questions and get some help when necessary. I want them to be FREE!

On the flip side, some parents ignore the need to learn self defence and live in denial, out of fear of becoming violent. The beauty of fostering discernment and independence is that kids won't resent you for your leadership later. They will go about their business as intended by their higher self because they have been taught to think for themselves, modelling powerful figures who respect them and encourage the healthy expressions of their whole being.

Would you not want that for your children?

Gassho,

Senpai Boyd

DETACHMENT

Lesson #1 at our dojo:
Don't take it personally!

I know you've heard this before, so what's going to make a difference today? 

This is what I teach our children. It's a difficult lesson, and let me tell you this, training your body to respond to an attack, whether perceived or not, can be dangerous, and not everyone fully grasps the consequences. It's as easy as to lash out at your loved ones when they piss you off. And if you think that martial arts train people to exercise control, you are right, in most case… But not all.

The reason I wanted to bring this up is because I have a message about Self Defence. It looks to me like I'm much more inspired to create awareness by speaking out than by going to kick ass in the dojo everyday… 

Why?

Because I am committed to being of service and doing my part for PEACE. People like Bruce Lee trained very very hard everyday to achieve what he did. He entered competitions in order to challenge himself and his art, to re-evaluate and adjust his practice and conquer his mind. That being said, this is the role model for many of our children. If not him, someone like him. My question to you is, if Martial Arts is intended to avoid violence, why are they portrayed differently in movies? Do me a favour and watch DRAGON: The Bruce Lee story, and realize how tormented this human being was…

Where does that leave us? I've notice that many people are stuck on blaming others, the state of the world, themselves, or all of the above instead of taking responsibility for their state of mind. Many of us carry a lot of anger, and that anger most often covers a great amount of fear about death. Many people think that being tough is a great solution and the best practice for safety. Well, being tough has its advantages, but it doesn't solve the problem. In taking things personally, we often create a problem that doesn't even exist and respond from that place. What I suggest here, is that we truly reflect on the importance of meditation. I don't really care what kind and what the name of it is, however, I do know that sitting with your eyes closed and alone is not necessarily going to cut it. Having a teacher and a community to practice with is very important if we truly wish to blossom as a peaceful being. Many dojos neglect the importance of such practice and avoid conversations of spiritual nature for fear to loose you as a student. The problem with that is that now you are getting some tools, but no container. 

Being part of a dojo is often becoming part of a family, but not always. A conscious community feels very different than a gym. What is important to me is to nurture critical thinking and independence, in children and adults alike. I promote taking personal responsibility for our body and mind, and I also hold space for community. It's not always easy for me to be around people. I was adopted in a family where was an only child and where I was served violence for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I learned that grown ups are crazy and that my adults are often too scared to help me. As a result, community living has been extremely difficult, but it is obvious to me now that I need connection with others in order to be whole, and that my thoughts and beliefs in general need to be revisited.

Being tough is not enough. Sometimes it manifests as an armour and justifies are actions. It's part of what people capable of bullying are made of. Being resilient however, that's a whole different ball game! So how do we deal with our children when we want to protect them from what we fear ourselves? One of the greatest gifts I have received in parenting has been my intuition, and learning to listen and honour it, regardless of what other people say. The other is a book called LOVING WHAT IS by Byron Katie. She clearly, and simply, offers tools in order for us to make choices that bring us peace.
What I would like to point out here though, is that non-violence is not apathy, and that many of us mothers need to really get that. We need to be very honest with ourselves about our children and what makes them whole, we need to look within, and accept what violence has to teach us and express it somehow, become friends with it like my friend sifu Jim Kragtwyk would say. I get that, I am without a doubt, the embodiment of what a powerful and sometimes very angry woman can be like, and I know too well what violence brings. With the right mind, we can nurture that part of us and keep it in check, with the right practice, we can prevent mental illness and violence within ourselves, and change the world! 

My invitation, is that instead of trying to keep ourselves safe by trying to changing others, we look within our own mind and practice compassion and acceptance.
The question I leave you with is:

What IS compassion and what does it really look, sound, taste and feel like?
What does it mean in terms of having the right to self defence,

In my world, it is not a bloody war… 

Gassho,

J

HEALING TRAUMA through Martial Arts.

"Boxing to heal trauma is like smoking to alleviate stress, it may feel good in the moment, but eventually you'll have to drop it and address the problem."

The week I received my Shodan promotion (first degree black belt), I woke up to a very interesting realization; I felt inspired to create a women's only self defence class. I was surprised because I had never been a big fan of "women only" anything, still am not. I also held a belief that I could not measure up to a male martial artist instructor and be taken seriously. Somehow, I had chosen men as role models most of my life, knights being my top heroes. I was fiercely independent, yet broken in my own mind. I accepted that for one reason or another, I was gifted a female body at birth and would one day figure out why. I saw men as STRONG and women, well, I didn't even talk about it. I felt ugly and awkward, angry and oh! so lost… Up to that point, I thought that most of the skills I needed to acquire to become whole in this lifetime, I would learn from a man.

I WAS WRONG

I have learned both from men and women, but mostly, I have learned from being a woman.

What I hope to do here is to share my vision of what it is like to be at peace with the world, and how Martial Arts supports that vision. I do not think it is the only path to freedom, in fact, I believe that everything serves. But what I do know is that many of us carry beliefs about martial arts that are untrue, and that this, like in many other aspects of our lives, keeps us from experiencing the truth.

 I have learned that sensitivity is an important quality in a teacher, man or woman, and that gaining my trust and sharing information is one thing, but awareness of what it is like to walk as a woman on this planet is quite another, let alone if you have suffered from trauma. Recognizing and understanding the barriers that keep women from entering a dojo is something worth looking at in my opinion. Perhaps, like a fish in a pond looking at a cat staring back at him, a martial artist may not quite grasp why it is so difficult for some people to make a commitment to practice. We are so quick to judge. I've been sitting on this topic for a while now and it's very important to me to present my experience in a clear and compassionate way. There are many reasons why we don't find many women in dojos, and perhaps it's the equivalent of why very few men used to practice yoga in North America, until they too discovered it's benefits. However, in my observation, men and women avoid certain things for very different reasons. Women like myself tend to be very challenged in making big commitments to activities that distract us from our responsibilities, and quite honestly, I couldn't have cared less about martial arts when I first entered a dojo.


My relationship with my son is what truly began healing my mind. What I was seeking was to spend time with healthy men and discover why I wasn't attracting them. I was a single mom at the time, and the idea of tradition appealed to me. It was clear that in order to be raising a healthy child, I needed to be at peace with myself, the world, and everyone in it. Actually, that was my mantra.With the help of my mentor, I opened myself to different ideas. I began my spiritual awakening and practice trust in my Self. My mentor at the time in fact, was a woman. She displayed what I considered some very strong masculine traits, which made me trust her. The interesting thing, is that we both balanced out through the years. She however, does not care for training.

It is my intention to explore healthy relationships that led me to my first teacher, sifu Jim Kragtwyk. I have since trained with many teachers, most importantly my husband sensei Jason Kanzan Boyd. They have all contributed to my well being in one way or another, especially the ones that have pissed me off. But it is only yesterday at a seminar with my first teacher that the light went on. It took me this long to realize why I did not enjoy training or failed to see it's value.

THAT IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU!

Gassho,

J

THERE IS A GIFT IN EVERYTHING

I have learned to trust that every experience, regardless of how it may appear, holds a lesson and a gift. Even when it looks like I am trapped in a corner, where I may not feel like I can manage or hold my own, I keep faith.

Recently, my husband and I have had to reflect on our martial arts journey, and make some adjustments in our training due to property rights. Since his departure from our old dojo limits him as a result of a contract, he will not be able to join me at State of Mind until next summer when the non compete clause is no longer in effect. It is easy to take this barrier as a problem. However, what a beautiful opportunity to relax, learn with a new teacher and feel the freedom of not having the responsibilities of managing a business accompanied by long hours away from loved ones.

What I have learned through my experience at the old dojo is that being a manager is difficult, that holding space for others can be very expensive and sometimes takes away from the basic idea of sharing an art. It is also much more rewarding to give birth to my own dojo and express our own heartfelt values. The fantasy of being part of a traditional family sometimes, is only that; an illusion. What matters to me is integrity.

There is much more to share on this subject and on our new adventure with American Kenpo, but for now, I leave you with this small video. 

*Crossing Talon is a technique I have learned already. American Kenpo has similar if not exact moves as the Kenpo I know (sometimes it's just arranged differently or with a different name.) The main thing I would like to point out is his GM Larry Tatum's style. This man has been sensei Jason's role model for a long time, and when we cut ties with the old dojo, I asked Jason what he would like to do if all his dream could come true and money was not an issue.

 His answer was: "I would learn under Larry Tatum..."

So we called him!

I am pleased to announce that State of Mind will be affiliated with Grandmaster Larry Tatum.

After seeing this particular videoclip, I can see where my teacher, sensei Jason Kanzan Boyd comes from in his gentle yet deadly instruction. I understand where he want to bring his own art, and I see that there is much for me to learn still.  I am thankful for all the past fellow martial artists who have crossed my path and contributed to my own art.

 I also do not hold the same ideas about authority as my husband does, and feel no shame in saying that sometimes, it's time to move on and break away from what no longer serves us. I respectfully bow to all of you who came to teach us, in one way or another, that we are worthy of the new dojo we now call HOME.

My special thanks go out to:

KOSEN ESHU, OSHO, ABBOT OF ZENWEST 

(for teaching me the value of zen practice)

sifu JIM KRAGTWYK

sensei DEAN HOUSTON

sensei GREG LAMOTHE

sensei MIKE MARTELLE

sensei ARI KNAZAN

sensei KEITH VARGA

sensei MICHAEL TURNER

sensei BRIAN SHEW

KEANA and ZENA 

MICHIYO SHEW

Grandmaster RALPH CHINNICK

Grandmaster AL TRACY

All of our friends and students past and present,

OUR FAMILIES

♡

my beautiful son

 DAE

and humble husband

☯sensei JASON KANZAN BOYD☯

To TALK or not to talk TO STRANGERS

That is the question...

I wish to say right off the bat, that this is my personal opinion and experience as a human being, a parent and a martial arts instructor. I am not asking that you take any sides, simply that you listen and reflect. I have often been angered, shocked and plain disturbed at other people's opinions, but one thing remains, and that is when I am respected and allowed to use critical thinking, I have often found myself experiencing a shift in perception. Sometimes it's immediate, sometimes it's later. So here it goes...

I think that it's natural for children to use their intuition. They may or may not foresee a problem coming, like they do not grasp why they need to pay attention crossing the street. It may be that people simply do what is natural to them, and many children simply believe in their goodness. My spiritual
practice is to wake up, be love, connect beings as oppose to separate, to honour intuition and have compassion. I believe that we can teach our children to use their common sense and to use their mind, loving comes naturally, not fear. We can teach them not to go and pet a strange dog without asking, not to take unnecessary risks and avoid petting strange dogs, or we can teach them not to trust any dogs... There is plenty of evidence that things go wrong in getting close to animal as well as human beings, but where is the boundary where we now ask our kids to see the world from our fearful point of view?

I know that my own son is one gregarious and friendly little man. Not talking to strangers is something I cannot enforce due to his nature. He just talks to practically everyone, always has, unless he doesn't feel comfortable. He's even come back from playdates and said he wasn't interested in going back, and why. As an aside, I personally have had my share of people trespassing my personal boundaries growing up, including my parents, as a result stranger danger is not even a concept I appreciate. However, I am honest with children about my experience and do not minimize danger in general. I also speak a language they understand and invite enquiry.

Now you may be wondering if my son has ever come across adversity, or encountered a situation that may get me to re-think my position about educating him to be more cautious... The answer is yes.

What came out of those experiences, has been a gift to all. He told someone he trusted would listen non-judgementally and we got through it together. It shouldn't come as a surprise either that the people involved in the crisis were NOT strangers to him. I brought my son up to trust in his ability to overcome anything, and to understand that with living life to its fullest also comes with risks and consequences. He already has more compassion, understanding and empathy than most people I know, let alone other children.

I give my son much more freedom than what a few people in my immediate surrounding are comfortable with, and I learned one thing early as a parent, that is people always have an opinion about other people's parenting choices. We can either try and conform, or be happy. So that being said, it's not like I am immune to having opinions about other people's parenting style, but I do know this:

I don't know what is in your highest good

As a martial arts teacher and human being around many children, what I do teach besides physical self defence, is awareness, critical thinking and clear communication, boundaries, listening to intuition, along with the importance of asking for help and healthy community. I am aware of the hard fact that we all have made choices against our parents best judgement, even our own best judgement, and that this is how we learn! But the few examples that paralyze us with fear as parents may, or may not be avoided by our best intentions; that is the sad truth. I have loved the work of Byron Katie immensely on that subject, and I cannot imagine any greater pain than a having experience the loss of a child, or to be taken. That being said, it's my job to connect with my intuition, not let fear take over my life and my family's. I really love seeing the world through children's eyes. It's unfortunate to miss out on the richness of children because they have been taught to fear others. And what do we teach them if we make all their decisions for them?

     I love the idea of

     FREE RANGE KIDS

LETTING GO OF FEAR

I am bathing into the phenomena of relating.



I am once again reminded of how it feels to be affected by an angry person that frightens us and feeling vulnerable as a result. I know what to do now though and how to be, but it does not mean that I am not afraid. That is part of what I teach as a martial artist.


In many ways, fear can be a gift...


With counselling training, sitting zazen and Self Defence practice, I still feel triggered from time to time when anger is directed at me. I have the tools not to take it personally, and even to see the situation entirely differently than through my story of perceived abuse. Being, is simply that, being. Now that I know martial arts, I need to be even more present when triggered because it means using deadly force if I ever was to react. What I have observed in other practitioners, even highly experienced ones, is that sometimes they justify their actions by judging other people's behaviour. For instance, a person who acts like a "bully" had it comming... Although I understand that train of thought, and have experienced it too. I now question my beliefs and seek the truth.


I'm not saying it's easy to keep my judgement out of it, but I do my best to mind my own business; judging another is not it. Responding however, is my business. So nowadays, I don't spend too much time speculating about what I would or would not do in any given situation. I just sincerely pray it comes from a loving place.If I feel angry, I say so. But I don't expect people to behave in ways that I believe are correct in my view anymore. I know I may not have the whole picture.


Underneath anger, there is a world of fear. Knowing this provides me with compassion and patience towards myself and others, but it does not always come right away. When that is the case, I take a pause and hope to see clearly.


I recently had the great opportunity to spend time with a beautiful man from my past, an ex boyfriend I used to be terrified of. Twenty years after our separation, we met with the intention to let go of our story, share our experience and be at peace. The presence and awareness possible between us now, has brought us both to tears. I am immensely grateful for this man's courage and openness to see me again, after so many years of living in pain from the thoughts he held about having hurt me. In my world, the work was done throughout the twenty years following our breakup. I had left this relationship with as much ease as ripping my own heart out of my chest. I had promised to love him forever, taken his son as my own, and even tattoed his name on my skin...


Breaking promises is something I despise, and I don't make them anymore unless I know I can follow through.


But THIS was a matter of life and death! And it was not the first, nor the last difficult relationship I experienced, but it was probably the scariest and most significant in influencing my decision to make some steps to find inner peace.


It took much time, dedication and dilligence in order to accept the fact that I was completely able to make peace with this man on my own. Besides, I had a restraining order against him, and I was clear about the sacrifices I had to make in order to get support from my loved ones and the community. The concept of closure is one that can be falsely promoted in needing both parties to be involved. Even though it may be wonderful to experience, it is not necessary. However, it can be very difficult to maintain this clarity under stress and confusion. Love after all, is not about separation.


It is in my 40's that I have finally found some thoughts that bring me complete peace over life in it's most difficult times. Thanks to my patient teachers, I may not be enlightened, but I am deeply happy, often.


To infinity and beyond I say!


I sincerely hope for all sentient beings, that we can show the courage necessary to still our minds and put all of our "weapons" down, if only for a moment, and love ourselves and one another.

Once that door is open, it cannot be forgotten.


Gassho