LOYALTY AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Breach of contracts, official or not, either emotional, personal or business related is a very challenging issue to say the least. It is found in all relationships, in the family of origin, at play, at work and yes, in the dojo. In my observation, it lies within the mind.

Byron Katie speaks about living by a code of ethics and explains that it may sound like a good idea, but that ultimately it is a set of rules put in place in an attempt to establish control. We aim to live harmoniously by setting boundaries/limits, and bringing forth certain concepts we hope others will respect so we can feel SAFE.

In my experience, when we take the time to question our thoughts, we gain a lot of clarity. Acting from that place is living with integrity, loving perfection. That being said, not everyone might be on the same page. Our actions can seem to cause much confusion in others if they are not clear. This is where response-ability comes into place. It's one thing to acknowledge the presence of strong feelings, but it's quite another to know what to do with them!

Reality is that not everyone live up to our ideals. We bow to each other, we recite tenants, but we rarely sit and meditate on what it means to be a conscious leader in our community. Spiritual practice has been stripped from martial arts, and yet we have retained the lingo and we are still preaching! We speak on the concept of EGO, and yet, most of us don't even know what EGO actually is, let alone have a good hand on it...

We enter relationships and commitments with the best of intentions, until shit hits the fan. With experience, we make attempts to protect ourselves and prevent loss by creating contracts that clearly state our expectations. We do our best to get everyone on board, but in the end, life will take it's course and sometimes it is not according to our plan.

Brian Myers, a martial artist, anger management educator and verbal judo instructor wrote a beautiful article on the subject of loyalty. He speaks of it as a path of mutual support, based on integrity and gratitude. He continues to explain that in his experience, true loyalty leads a student to follow an instructor who shows honest care for their well being. He hopes that a good martial arts instructor demonstrates integrity and deep gratitude for the opportunity to teach someone what they know, while the student strives to demonstrate the ability to apply that knowledge in their lives and gratitude for the time and care their instructor pours into them. What I personally relate to in his article, is the idea that loyalty reveals our love for one another and our trust in each other, it creates deeper and more meaningful relationships that can positively impact our lives. The creation of a support system  can see us through the toughest times. From this stance, it sounds more like a consequence than a guarantied outcome.

That takes TIME and FAITH. Some people are much better at communicating effectively and honestly than others. Most often we get stuck in mush. My husband and I have had to work on this. Running a couple of schools together has required us to have many conversations in order to be at peace, sometimes involving others. It has been highly difficult at times, but I love the results. I am clear, and we know where we stand. However in the end, some changes needed to be made. What has been the foundation for our success, I think, is our strong commitment to the truth and to each other as compassionate human beings.

I have had conflicts, some pretty major in my life. Through adversity, I have concluded that I am loyal to myself. It might sound selfish, but demanding loyalty from others, in my opinion, is unreasonable and selfish. It's a romantic idea. Expecting it from a person like me is pointless. I am a loving being and I do what I believe is in everyone's highest good. I have learned that some people have absolutely no idea of the conditions they place on the loyalty they demand from their entourage. True loyalty for me comes with freedom, not a binding contract.

We may be filled with romantic fantasies about pledging alliance to a person, a cause, a group or a country, but what I have come to learn is that space and time are important for compassion to take place, and virtues such as loyalty, humility, respect etc, are not always understood the same way by all people, let alone realized! It would be wise, in my opinion, to be still and reflect on our own BEING-NESS before entering battle, to be MINDFUL, to connect with our source and see what lies there.

The simple practice of compassion itself is challenging. It is often mistaken for sympathy or enabling. We are all interacting with our own projections of the world, of each other. Being compassionate is not being a doormat. It is not a passive activity! Compassion is a life long practice; We're not even kind to ourselves most of the time, and yet we expect others to be. I'm suggesting we chillax a bit and consider what the human experience is all about. Accountability comes with understanding and clarity.

I say we put our weapons down, start there, BREATHE, and breathe again.


J Kaikan Boyd
State of Mind dojo

DETACHMENT

Lesson #1 at our dojo:
Don't take it personally!

I know you've heard this before, so what's going to make a difference today? 

This is what I teach our children. It's a difficult lesson, and let me tell you this, training your body to respond to an attack, whether perceived or not, can be dangerous, and not everyone fully grasps the consequences. It's as easy as to lash out at your loved ones when they piss you off. And if you think that martial arts train people to exercise control, you are right, in most case… But not all.

The reason I wanted to bring this up is because I have a message about Self Defence. It looks to me like I'm much more inspired to create awareness by speaking out than by going to kick ass in the dojo everyday… 

Why?

Because I am committed to being of service and doing my part for PEACE. People like Bruce Lee trained very very hard everyday to achieve what he did. He entered competitions in order to challenge himself and his art, to re-evaluate and adjust his practice and conquer his mind. That being said, this is the role model for many of our children. If not him, someone like him. My question to you is, if Martial Arts is intended to avoid violence, why are they portrayed differently in movies? Do me a favour and watch DRAGON: The Bruce Lee story, and realize how tormented this human being was…

Where does that leave us? I've notice that many people are stuck on blaming others, the state of the world, themselves, or all of the above instead of taking responsibility for their state of mind. Many of us carry a lot of anger, and that anger most often covers a great amount of fear about death. Many people think that being tough is a great solution and the best practice for safety. Well, being tough has its advantages, but it doesn't solve the problem. In taking things personally, we often create a problem that doesn't even exist and respond from that place. What I suggest here, is that we truly reflect on the importance of meditation. I don't really care what kind and what the name of it is, however, I do know that sitting with your eyes closed and alone is not necessarily going to cut it. Having a teacher and a community to practice with is very important if we truly wish to blossom as a peaceful being. Many dojos neglect the importance of such practice and avoid conversations of spiritual nature for fear to loose you as a student. The problem with that is that now you are getting some tools, but no container. 

Being part of a dojo is often becoming part of a family, but not always. A conscious community feels very different than a gym. What is important to me is to nurture critical thinking and independence, in children and adults alike. I promote taking personal responsibility for our body and mind, and I also hold space for community. It's not always easy for me to be around people. I was adopted in a family where was an only child and where I was served violence for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I learned that grown ups are crazy and that my adults are often too scared to help me. As a result, community living has been extremely difficult, but it is obvious to me now that I need connection with others in order to be whole, and that my thoughts and beliefs in general need to be revisited.

Being tough is not enough. Sometimes it manifests as an armour and justifies are actions. It's part of what people capable of bullying are made of. Being resilient however, that's a whole different ball game! So how do we deal with our children when we want to protect them from what we fear ourselves? One of the greatest gifts I have received in parenting has been my intuition, and learning to listen and honour it, regardless of what other people say. The other is a book called LOVING WHAT IS by Byron Katie. She clearly, and simply, offers tools in order for us to make choices that bring us peace.
What I would like to point out here though, is that non-violence is not apathy, and that many of us mothers need to really get that. We need to be very honest with ourselves about our children and what makes them whole, we need to look within, and accept what violence has to teach us and express it somehow, become friends with it like my friend sifu Jim Kragtwyk would say. I get that, I am without a doubt, the embodiment of what a powerful and sometimes very angry woman can be like, and I know too well what violence brings. With the right mind, we can nurture that part of us and keep it in check, with the right practice, we can prevent mental illness and violence within ourselves, and change the world! 

My invitation, is that instead of trying to keep ourselves safe by trying to changing others, we look within our own mind and practice compassion and acceptance.
The question I leave you with is:

What IS compassion and what does it really look, sound, taste and feel like?
What does it mean in terms of having the right to self defence,

In my world, it is not a bloody war… 

Gassho,

J